UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Warning: This blog is purely a rant.
Today is one of those days where I just want to kick and scream, cry, and throw something at the wall, all at the same time. Because today is one of those days where, no matter what it seems that I do, Diabetes has bested me.
This morning was perfectly fanfreakingtastic. I woke up with a Blood Glucose of 76 and was happy with where I was at. I've been eating cereal for the past few breakfast's, as opposed to my usual breakfast of eggs and toast. There are no eggs here, in Statesboro with Josh, hence eating the cereal. I should probably go get some but I am stubborn. So this continuous eating of cereal was probably my first mistake. Ever since getting Diabetes I have tried to stay away from eating cereal because I like to eat copious amounts of the stuff. I love cereal. And when you have Diabetes this is a problem. If you bolus for a certain amount of cereal, then you should only eat said amount of cereal. Eating more than Bolused-for amounts of cereal leads to higher-than-intended blood sugars. I tried giving myself 3 units of what Novolog I have left to cover me, however this usually leads to mid-afternoon lows and so I switched it back down to 2. However, 2 is usually too little, and what I really need to be giving myself is 2.5. However, my Novolog pen only does insulin in whole units. My new Humalog pen does half units, however, if you know how frustrating insurance companies can be (namely Government-owned ones) then you can sympathize with me when I say that by no means do you ever want to be wasteful because there's no way of saying how much crap you'll have to put up with before you can get your next prescription refill. So I'm doing my best to make do and use what I have in order to avoid having to deal with *shudder* CVS and their God-forsaken special people any sooner than I have to. What a mess.
I've found that Diabetes is usually a good indicator of what is and isn't good for you. Special K usually leaves my blood sugar reasonably happy if I bolus and eat accordingly. On the other hand Captain Crunch Crunch Berries usually turn my Diabetes into the equivalent of a PMS'ing Bipolar woman. You can guess which cereal I had this morning when I checked 4 hours later and my BG was at 157. Perhaps it may seem like I'm being too hard on myself, 157 isn't that bad after all, but I have enjoyed near-perfect Diabetes management for the past month and had managed to bring my BG average down to 87. Now I have watched as all my past month's work has been undone in the last week and a half after a string of respective highs has sent my BG springboarding back towards an average of 108. Thanks, Diabetes.
So Josh, his roommate who's name is coincidentally also Josh, and his girlfriend Kara and I go to a Mexican Restaurant (this word brought to you by spell check -- why can't I ever spell that word right??) today for lunch and in an attempt to be good I order the taco shell-less salad instead of a burrito and chips like everyone else. Another question - why is the most healthy item on the menu always one of the most expensive? I give myself one unit of Novolog to cover whatever carbs might be in the salad and to calm down my raging blood sugar and I feel really good for the rest of the afternoon. I check my blood sugar again at 6:30 and smile to see that it is at 82 - hurrah! I've done something right! Lunch was late today so I didn't really feel like having a whole other meal for dinner. I opt instead for a 19-carb ice cream bar and decide not to give myself any insulin, seeing as, being full, I'm not planning on eating for the rest of the night, and I'd end up going to bed lower than I'd like. 1.5 hours later I feel a little funny. My heartbeat is racing a bit, I feel kind of shaky... am I low? That would make absolutely no logical sense. I go to check my BG just in case.
187.
W.T.F?!
That can't be right. I wash my hands again.
150.
Come on, One Touch, what is your problem? What kind of excuse do you have to have for a margin of error like that?
I check again.
Error 5: Not enough blood on the test strip.
So much for not being wasteful.
Take 4.
177.
I end up feeling frustrated and defeated. I have no earthly clue what the hell my Blood Sugar really is, why I feel funny, and I do not understand why a 19-carb ice cream bar that would usually have no negative effect on my Blood Sugar sent it skyrocketing over 100 points. I just want to collapse on the floor into a ball of self pity and cry.
Diabetes is a mystery to me. Sometimes my Diabetes behaves perfectly, responding to my careful treatment with respect and good behavior. And other times, despite my best attempts, I get days like this, where it seems that no matter what I try and do, I can do nothing right. I don't know why my Blood Sugar is acting so crazy lately. Is it because I am nearing the end of my honeymoon period and need to up my basal? Is it because is is nearing a month since I started using this pen of Novolog and the insulin has now lost its potency? Is it because it's that time of the month? Is it because Diabetes is a freaking lunatic? Are the Diabetes Gods looking down on me with a magnifying glass in the full sunlight and laughing loudly amongst themselves?
I do not understand.
I could be less hard on myself but I cannot afford to. I want to be one the few to live over 50 years with Diabetes, to experience no complications. It is a near impossible task, but if I am one of the few to have gotten Type 1 Diabetes, than why on Earth can't I be one of the few to live a long and healthy, complication-free life despite of it? But it is so much easier said than done. I have to up my efforts, have to prevent myself from slipping up. I do not want to go through days like this. I do not want these highs to happen. I realize they are sometimes unavoidable but why, how, when I am trying so hard? Diabetes control isn't rocket science. But sometimes I think that it's harder. There is no set formula to figuring out Diabetes, no tried and true way to manage it, that works for everyone. Like fingerprints, everyone's Diabetes is unique. And eating low carb can work but I want to live my life, too. I can't just live my whole life eating only salad and broccoli. What kind of a life is that? I want to enjoy food like I always used to, but it is so hard to find the balance when you have to continuously try harder to count carbs, stay on top of your swinging basal rates, emotionally manage the stress of all the bad days. Watch out, Diabetes. If I have to deal with another week of this, first thing I'm doing post-Fourth of July is going to the store, buying myself a nice food scale, and counting my carbs like it's nobody's business.
I hate Diabetes.
The feeling appears to be mutual.
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