I've come to learn that stress always comes in waves. It's rarely a little bit here, a little but there, but rather it builds up all at once and pummels you at full force. This is how I felt lately. There's been so much on my mind. I apologize if this blog seems like it comes off as a rant, but, well, I suppose it is.
Organic Chemistry stresses me out. I think our professor wants to see us fail. She'll give out practice quizzes before our quiz, make us think we are prepared, then give us a quiz about nothing we've gone over in class. I am doing okay in this class for now but maintaining that "okay" status is going to make me in for a rough 2 months. I want out of this class. With a passing grade. December cannot come soon enough.
Thinking about where to go to Grad School - balancing location with finance - is stressful. You may think it's a little early to be considering this but apparently it's not. Change of plans. Registration for Spring Semester is coming up. My summer counselor at Wesleyan had previously convinced me that graduating in 3 years was a good idea. I would have more time to finish my classes, be less stressed, etc. Wesleyan's organizes its students by a class system that puts every new incoming class into one of 4 different classes. Right now it is Golden Hearts 2015, Purple Knights 2014, Red Pirates 2013, and Green Knights 2012. After the Senior Green Knights graduate this year our next incoming class will be the new Green Knight Class of 2016, next incoming class will be the Pirates of 2017, and so on. So graduating in 3 years made me a Purple Knight. But I looked over the list of classes this week that I need to graduate with my biology major, only to realize that I am easily going to finish my requirements in two years. I love Wesleyan dearly already but there's truly no point in staying, and paying for, another year that I do not need. Academically I will not feel challenged - I'll feel like I'm simply floating along. Financially I don't need to be paying for another unnecessary year when I could put that money towards grad school. I have a goal, and Wesleyan is simply a stepping stone on the way to the big picture. With this said, today I talked with my counselor and decided that I would be a Junior, graduate in 2013, and thus become a "Pirate".
So... I know this is going to be a stressful next year and a half. Being a College Junior slates me for picking out grad schools, applying and taking my GRE this time next year. I need to come up with a game plan, and I have little time to lose. One one side it hardly seems fair that I have just finished working out the stress of getting into Undergrad and now have to worry about the what comes next already. It's exhausting. And I'm scared. Did I just make a huge mistake? How am I going to make the right decision on which school I go to? I want to go to school in Atlanta but is the hefty price I will pay in student loans worth it? How can I make Grad School fit into the rest of my life, my plans outside of school? What is the best choice? What do I do?
The matter of Diabetes as well as In-State Residency really stresses me out. As I said above, I do want to go to Graduate School in Atlanta. It is a good fit for me; my entertainment business is working out really well. Most of my work is in Atlanta and I have to drive there just about every weekend as it is. In over a year I will have formed a clientele base with a job that I can maintain all throughout college. It brings in good money, and since it is only weekends, I do not have to worry about it conflicting too much with school - any other job might very well be out of the question due to the time and academic rigor that Graduate School will prove to be. My two main interests so far are Mercer's Doctorate of Physical Therapy program, which is located in Atlanta, and Georgia State University's. Georgia State University has great prices... for in state students. Mercer is private so I don't pay out of state fees, but, it costs nearly $9000 a semester for a three year program. So is it worth it to pay a high price at Mercer for a good name? After all, GSU tuition is half that. But becoming an in-state resident is complicated as I do not have an actual, non-college, address of my own with which to register to vote, get a license, register a vehicle, etc. And I really don't want to go back to Florida. Nothing against my family or friends who I love, but I literally just left and I don't want to come back quite so soon. To complicate matters is my ever-so-understanding chronic disease. Oh, Diabetes, how you irk me. Medicaid is going to run out on October 13th, 2012 when I turn 19, like it or not. And until I graduate Grad School and get a job that provides me health care finances are going to be a stretch. And though this probably sounds way too dramatic and I know in a few years things will be okay, just getting through College alive... literally... seems way more imposing than taking Physics I and II next year seems now, which basically means I'm scared out of my mind. (Especially if Grad School requires me to have health insurance like Wesleyan does. I could get the College health care, but, it is practically useless to a person with a disease such as myself. Y'know - a person who actually would need to use it to buy unimportant things such as insulin, and see a doctor, and such.) And until then, I still have Florida Medicaid and haven't seen a Dr. since June, making my Diabetes treatment far more difficult than it normally would be. Guessing how much insulin you need and what your insulin-to-carb ratio, while it changes sometimes on a weekly basis, is extremely difficult to do. And those grey zones when I have no Doctor's advice as to what to do insures that my Blood Sugar is suffering for it.
So with all of the stress of life right now... I try to be positive. I am anxious, but on the other side I am so elated to see my dreams play out. I've worked so hard and poured so many long hours into my education. You have no idea all the time I have sacrificed, all of the exhaustion I have put myself through, all of the hard work I have pushed myself to do. I have pushed my limits further than I would have thought possible before I began college back in Junior Year of High School, at 15. And it's been such a difficult journey, but never once has it not felt worth it. Some people may criticize me for perhaps rushing college too much, but I have never let their criticism get to me. I have done what I think is right for me, what I have deigned to be the best decision. It has not necessarily been the easy route, and I am bypassing a lot of experiences because of the choices I have made, but this is where I'm supposed to be. I feel like I am at the right place, at just the right time. God's timing is, after all, so perfect. And to feel so close to my goal of getting my 4-year degree - and moving on to the final step, Graduate School - gives me a rare occasion to feel proud of myself. I was a two-year college graduate at 17, and I am going to finish my four year degree at 19. Many people at my age haven't even graduated High School yet; I'm about to go to Graduate School in just a short amount of time.
There are just so many things to think about, talk about, and pray about right now. These last few days I have been praying and praying and I know that God is with me, helping me. I have prayed for inner peace, respite from my restless mind and that he will make apparent to me where I want to be. Things will work out, and I have the rest of this school year to decide all of the important things and smooth out the details. This all is such a big deal for me. These decisions are going to impact my entire life. It won't be easy, but I always knew that this journey wouldn't be easy. God has created me just capable enough of handling what needs to be done.
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