Happy Sunday...In April...Absolutely Could Not Think Of A Title

To say it's been forever since I've posted anything is an understatement! Finals and the last few weeks of school have just managed to consume all my time completely. However, Monday is my last final, and then I'll be free for the summer! Can't wait! I'm done with the bulk of my studying now, though, have gleefully removed the dozens of sticky notes from my textbooks, and am in the process of packing up all of my belongings. It feels like a repeat from last year and I can't believe my "first" (third) year of college is nearly over.

My life has been so busy, especially these past 3.5 months, I feel I've scarcely had a chance to breathe. My life has been one perpetual study session, and when I wasn't studying, I felt guilty that I wasn't studying. That, or I was running my business, balancing phone calls with class lectures and driving up to Atlanta on the weekends to go be a princess.

Diabetes has kind of taken the backburner during this time. I think I've hardly had time to think about it! It hasn't really played a particularly large part in my life. It's easy to get caught up in the daily grind - wake up, test my Blood Sugar, go to the dining hall for breakfast. I keep my school ID in my meter case out of convenience. Have a snack before lunch, eat, snack in the afternoon, dinner, and snack before bed. That's a lot of snacks, so thank goodness the 100-calorie (and ironically more low-carb than the sugar free) Klondike bars are usually buy one get one free. I'm kind of happy to report that nothing major has happened. I've had relatively few lows, and with the exception of the 347 last night (yeah... there was baking involved) my sugars have been kept relatively under control.

It feels so different from a year ago, when everything was so new and different to me. I used to carry around my little green JDRF cooler with everything inside - carb counting book, glucagon emergency kit, an entire box of syringes, test strips, lancets, log books, the works. Now I just carry my little meter case with Novolog attached. I don't bring my carb book as often, because I can guess carbs very well on my own now. I remember my first attempt at bolusing based on carb counting - one big, epic disaster in which I ended up giving myself random shots every 15 minutes when I decided to scarf down another large chocolate chip cookie. Yep, I've come far since then. Simple and discreet, I live as normal a life as possible as long as I have those two powerful, lifesaving tools by my side... at all times. Freedom? Maybe not, I think a little sadly. But as close to it as I feel I will ever get.

It's been over a year now - April 3rd was my "Diabetes Anniversary". One year with Diabetes, and life has changed, but I've settled down. Sometimes, I wonder how Diabetes will play into my future. Will it affect how many kids I can have? Will I ever have to choose between affording insulin over something else that I need? Will I ever get health insurance? Will there ever be a cure?

Time flies. I'm a different person than who I was a year ago. More mature (?) (I like to think - or maybe I just feel that possessing a credit card finally gives me "adult" rights). It just makes me wondering, where will I be in another year? Two, when I graduate Wesleyan (changed my mind again - staying two more years. I promise, guys.) Three? Four to five, when I finish grad school? I don't know. It's easy at first glance to think you know where you're going with your future, but then crazy things happen like you get Diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes.

So I don't know. But I won't think about it too hard now, or I'll drive myself crazy. For now, I'll settle with a brief summer to-do list:

- Read a book (textbooks don't count)
- Use Rosetta Stone
- Run. At least once.
- SWIM. I haven't been in a pool for AGES.
- Play Sims. (lol. Did I just write that?)
- Get a tan.
- Wash my car. (The last time I washed it, I was in Florida..................a year ago................)
- BLOG MORE! I PROMISE!

I'd say that's about it for now.
So, Happy Sunday all!

I guess I'll attach some narcissistic pictures since I don't take very many of those out of costume these days. :)

Comfort Food

The weekend was wonderful. It was my first weekend off, and I took full advantage of it. The first thing I did: sleep in. What a sweet, blessed word. I went shopping for prom dresses with Joshua's sister Marleigh and her cousin Kelsey, took photos, went on a date out to dinner and to see The Hunger Games with Joshua Kuckuck, laughed so hard I cried, stayed up talking with the girls until 4 AM Saturday, and had a picnic Sunday with Joshua.

But I forgot to do something over the weekend, which was to buy snacks. I happened to be all out, and I'd found myself digging up old candy bars back from Halloween to shove into my purse and backpack just in case I happened to be low.

It made me aware of my vulnerability, all of a sudden.
With my meter, insulin and a snack at hand, I feel confident and in control of my life. I can handle Diabetes - it can't beat me.
But take away just one of those things, and suddenly, surviving Diabetes becomes part of an unwelcome game - one where I never know what to expect.
I found myself slightly afraid. 
I've always been okay, but I've had close calls. Mid-Spanish class lows, or just yesterday, when Joshua and I went on a wonderful date to Indian Springs. We ate Subway, took pictures and had a great hike through the woods, and I figured I'd be fine, but was a little worried because I'd still forgotten that damn snack. I drove all the way back to Forsyth, but when we stepped into the house I felt a slight shake of hand and tested to find that I was at 44. We'd been in the middle of nowhere. What would have happened if we'd waited just a few minutes longer, stayed another hour, unknowing? The consequences could have been disastrous.

Today in Spanish we had out exam, and I still lacked my snack. I hoped, hoped, hoped I wouldn't be low during the Exam but knew that the time my Spanish Class was at was a trouble time for me. Surely enough, as soon as class began I felt the all-too familiar tingle, the shakiness, the weakness come over me. But I was petrified. No Professor would allow a student to just leave the class during a test. I was Diabetic, I argued. Maybe I had an exception. But I hadn't filed any paperwork or anything, hadn't been responsible enough to remember to bring a snack when I should have. It was my fault. Any change I had was in my room, so I'd have to beg for money or ask to go all the way back there, then back to the vending machine, to get a snack. I would interrupt everyone testing in the room. I might get failed on my exam if I chose to leave. I felt trapped, and so I pushed the low down to the bottom of my conscious, as far as it would go, and finished my test, although my concentration eluded me and my my mind was met with fuzziness where Spanish grammar and vocabulary was meant to be.

That afternoon, the first thing I did after class, work and volunteering was go to the store and buy some snacks. Popcorn and granola bars have never filled me with such comfort, security and a feeling of blanketed safety before. The term "comfort food' has taken on a whole new meaning.