I felt numb, and cold and scared. As if my entire world was crumbling to pieces over my head. Any security I might have lulled myself into believing this past year felt obsolete, gone. None. Nothing. Zero. I am a college student, I am Type 1 Diabetic, and I do not have insurance.
The shock is like re-discovering I have Diabetes. I don't know what to expect, and it's scary. Any freedom of mind and carefree lifestyle seems obsolete. It's hard to not have the security of knowing how I'm getting insulin or test strips each month. What if I get sent to the hospital? I'll never get an insulin pump now, not until I graduate college in 4 years and hopefully get a job with health benefits.
I'm sad. I'm so upset at this disease. I feel so many emotions, but most of all just a strong sense of hopelessness and anger at what Diabetes has done to me. I know this is a terrible way to feel, and I shouldn't pity myself. But I'm just so angry. I'm in college! I should have this nice, carefree College life, but Diabetes took that away from me. I'm forever resigned to being DD, I can't dive into the chip bowl at parties, and my meter is practically attached at the hip wherever I go. Now I have to worry about paying for medical supplies and care. I hate the worry and stress that this disease has put me through. My life would be so much simpler without it....
I found out I am not getting Medicaid renewed this year. As soon as the end of this month, and certainly by my 19th birthday this year, I will have no means of getting care except for out of pocket. Endocrinologist visits, blood testing that cannot be afforded, insulin, test strips, lancets and syringes are expensive, now self-paid necessities.
I was angry at first. I do not understand how people can cheat the system, get welfare, get food stamps even when they do not need them... and yet I am hard working, and trying to make something of my life, but have no access to health care simply because I found out one day that I had this disease. It's a helpless feeling. I am still angry. I feel trapped in this nightmare, and robbed of my life. My life wasn't supposed to be like this! I shouldn't even have this disease! Diabetes has stolen my freedom. I do not have a normal life as I wish I could. But most of all I am just plain scared. Scared my parents and I won't be able to afford the care that I need to stay alive and healthy. Scared one day I will have to choose insulin over education. (Scared I can't afford college too.) Scared to be a burden on my mother and father.
This week I just feel the overwhelming need to cry and cry. How will things work out and be okay now?
Especially now, I will never take having insulin for granted...
Go in and speak with someone at your local social services if you have not done so yet. There's different programs within Medicaid and if you are not eligible for one you could possibly be eligible for another. Give an update and if possible I will look up some state regulations for you. God bless.
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