The school year is finally winding down, and I find myself able to breathe a sigh of relief as I only have one impending Physics final left before I can enjoy three weeks of freedom. I need it: this semester has been hell, to put it frankly. I got way more than I bargained for with Genetics, Physics, work, work and more work. I'm tired. I'm stressed. I don't sleep enough. My blood sugars suffered for it earlier this semester, with hardly a day going by that I didn't get at least one 200+.
Actually, this year in general has been rough, and I mean seriously. From relationship to family drama, trying to apply to Graduate school, the midnight cry-sessions about how I can't seem to get my brain to understand a lick of Physics, to all the times I couldn't get to my face painting gig on time... it's been really hard. And Sunday made it all harder, because the most terrifying thing in my life happened: I was in a terrible car accident and managed to total my Ford F-150, walking out with barely a scratch when I shouldn't have been able to walk away at all. I can't describe the feeling without cringing, because all I can think of is seeing the guard rail hurtling toward me as my car is rolling, and I'm scarcely understanding what is going on - it happened so quickly, that at least I know that had I died, I wouldn't have had time to feel fear. I simply lived in the moment, I didn't have flashbacks of my life, I just thought: "I'm probably going to die. Ok. God, please, help, God." And then it was over, and the smell was horrible, and I crawled out the window, adrenaline coursing through my body.
I'm going to devote a blog post to this soon, but I'm trying to write it now and the memory is so fresh in my mind and heart that it's like trying to peel a sticky, wet bandage off a fresh wound - it physically hurts, it terrified me, and I don't think I'm ready to face the emotions that go along with writing about this experience yet. Not yet. Soon, but now it's enough to think about it and feel sickening fear, and try to push it away again. I pour my heart and soul into writing - I write better than I express my own emotions and thoughts verbally - and so I feel a lot of emotions when I do it. This week has been a melting pot of trying to recover and terrible emotions and trying to simply survive through finals when really I've been a zombie of myself, and each day I discover some new bruise or wince because there is a piece of glass still in my foot that I can't get out. I don't think I'll even be able to drive down Highway 96 for a while, I'll take the other way, because I don't think I can mentally handle seeing the crash site again, even if there's nothing special about it that would point out that location in anyone's eye but my own. I need to chill, so in the meantime I close my eyes and think of images that don't have to do with guardrails or the awfulputridsmell or the glass or the rolling or any of it. I need to stop writing about it now because if I really stop and think about it I feel physically sick.
On the bright side, my sugars have been better - OK, so I've had a lot of lows, but very mellow, <180 mg/DL for the most part, with a few highs speckled in between. It's been good - Diabetes is on the backburner right now, I'm testing and giving insulin and carb counting like a good little Diabetes robot, and I haven't exactly had the biggest appetite lately, so actually I'm eating pretty healthy and sparingly and it's nice because my sugars show it.
So, that's what's going on in life right now - keep an eye out for that other blog post soon.
Merry early Christmas.
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