Thursday is my last day of work there.
It's time.
I drive down I-16 to downtown.
I sit in my favourite coffee shop and study and write my letters and think of new blog posts.
I listen to music.
This might be the last afternoon I have in this coffee shop.
It's time.
I pack the last of my possessions away.
I still have boxes out to fit the rest of the "randoms".
I always seem to have too much stuff.
It's time.
My insulin sits in a stack in the fridge.
I have two boxes of granola bars as carbs for if I need them during the move.
My extra supplies are packed in two small boxes.
It's time.
The life I know is changing, and it changes now.
I'm leaving Sunday.
I'm saying goodbye to my friends and my home for the second time in my life. First Orlando, and now Macon.
Time's up.
It doesn't get easier the second time. Actually, I think it might be harder. I grew up in Orlando, not by choice but because that's where I was born, the hometown that raised and shaped me. I went to school there. I fell into friendships, lost touch with people, drove on my first highway.
Mm, here was different. I fell in love here. Learned to struggle along with Type 1 Diabetes here. Graduated from my alma mater here. Had my first car accident here. Started a business here. Macon was never my home because I inherited it. Macon became my home because I chose it, out of all the places in the world. Macon became my home because I reached out and involved myself, I learned and grew and came to know a place different from my hometown. I learned to see it and to love it with all of its imperfections and flaws, this wonderful and subpar home of mine, this place with character and friends and interesting nooks and crannies. My roots didn't start here, but they grew here, and from those roots grew a tree, the tree that will be the foundation for the rest of my life.
How am I... truth is, I am and I am not well. I worked all summer. I never finish as much as I plan to, and that's ok. Summer turned out differently than I intended, that's ok. It always does. I traveled more and saw new places. I had adventures. I painted. I read, but not nearly as much as I wanted, and that's not really ok because I love to read but it will have to suffice for now. Another summer, and I'm still pale. My hair is turning darker. Well, none of that really matters. Some edges of my soul hurt. Some people hurt me a little more than I hoped they would. I lost some friendships. I'm saying goodbye to people this week. I've been having serious writer's block and it's really been hard because I feel bottled up and lonely in the rare quiet moments alone. I stay busy and it masks the pain scarily well. I sing in the car. I drive and become nostalgic about the silliest things. I am a hurting, broken, confused and lonely woman that is joyfully, intensely happy with life and the bright beautiful memories I have had the honour of experiencing. How can one hurt so badly and be so happy at the same time? I savour life so much. I live it to its fullest. I waste no moments of the day. I will fight to the bitter end to make the most of the life God gave me. My drive knows no limits. I feel an ache in my heart. A dark cloud over my head in the shadows when the sun isn't there. An unexplainable, haunting and echoing hurt.
Life is a painful thing. It's a funny thing. Life is rain with rainbows here and there. The rainbows are unpredictable, but so is the rain. I'm growing up more. My mind aches to learn, to grow up further. My heart is sad to see how old I feel at such a young age. It yearns for a carefree life it will never have. I am but an individual surrounded by darkness, by uncertainty, only to look closer and find that the stars lie above me to beckon me on and give me hope, and the moon pushes me onward and I fight this darkness and uncertainty every day. Painful challenges and beautiful joys, experience after experience, I push onward and grow a little more.
Here's to the past, here's to the now, and here's to the future that I lie right on the precipice of. Lead me onwards, God. I'm trusting you.
Well, that's all for now - this post is just to ease the writer's block a little and hopefully push me on to writing a little more these next few weeks. I just need to take little breaks here and there, I guess. I'll keep you guys updated on the big move!
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