Nearly 4 years ago, I was a bitter, resentful and terrified 17 year old sitting in a sunny room with both of my parents sitting in the room beside me. The fact that both of my parents were in the same room together merits enough rarity in and of itself to indicate that this situation was one out of the ordinary. An orange and a syringe sat on the table, and a dietitian and an endocrinologist in the chairs across from us. "Will it be harder?" I asked the two of them. "To live life?"
All I could think about then was my dreams, the things I could achieve, my life going right out the window. Frustrated, I couldn't imagine life, difficult and busy as it was now, having to get compressed even more together to make room for an unwelcome autoimmune disease. These words I write about here often, and forever echo in my head:
"Diabetes will never stop you or limit you. Will it makes things harder? Yes. But you can still do anything."
And time dictates clarity. In truth, they lied. Diabetes does limit me. But you have to see that everyone in life does have some limits. We can't do everything we want to, all the time. We have commitments, school, job. And when I look at Diabetes in that respect - as something I have to balance with the rest of my life - well, suddenly the outlook is a lot better than if I see it as impending doom constantly hovering over me. It doesn't have to be a sentence. Is it something I have to carefully manage, day in and day out, the the same as I do for finances or eating healthy or planning study time? Yes. All day, every day, and sometimes, like some commitments, it has to take the forefront when I don't want it to. There are some things I can't do. I can't join the army, or fly a commercial plane or bus.
But that's alright, because I still maintain this: Diabetes may be a part of me, but it will never or stop or limit me. I have to work with it, and when I work with it because it is a part of me, my goals can work with it, too.
And from that respect, limited as it may seem at times, I can do anything. I am doing anything. I am living in a city greater than I ever imagined, with endless opportunities and fulfilling my dream of training for a profession, not just a job.
When I return to Atlanta after a trip away, especially at night, I gaze at the city lights with a quiet sense of pride, of belonging. I reflect on my future with excitement, not fear. I love the present now just as much as the fond memories of the past or the longing for my future.
Just 6 short months ago, I left my life behind in Macon to live in Atlanta. I still can't believe it's been so long. I feel that I belong here now. Life is hectic amidst an 8-5 schedule of classes, constant studying to stay afloat the flood of information, and working birthday parties on the weekend. Basic activities have to be budgeted for time-wise, such as doing laundry and going grocery shopping, but I have no shortage of friends or things to do. I feel as though the studying has purpose when it all comes together. When I can help patients in the clinic, or give some sort of education to someone, or actually start feeling the muscle fibers, tension and tightness underneath the skin when I'm palpating individuals.
I know places here. I know people! I have favourite restaraunts, favourite places to grab a drink and favourite areas of the park. I know the fastest way to school without hitting too much traffic, know that the creamer is always in the fridge off to the side in my favourite coffee store, and which Kroger to not go to. I go swing dancing on Mondays and it's the coolest thing I've ever started to learn to do. I'm still a pretty bad driver, but at least Atlanta traffic no longer fazes me the way I'm used to.
And it's all at my fingertips - Atlanta, this glittering city, this place of light and shadow, this city where no matter how well I know it or think I know it, it will always hold endless mysteries for me.
And it is the kind of adventure in life that I've always hoped for.
All my life, I feel I've been waiting to leave home and experience new things, be on my own, support myself and truly become the person I'm supposed to be. I feel blessed all the time that I have gotten the opportunity to do that, starting during my time at Wesleyan and leading up to now. School is harder than I ever could have imagined, but I wake up every day with a sense of purpose, of feeling capable, and proud to be able to work all those long tired night of studying, the hectic back and forth - what I have to show for myself are the things I have worked hard for, and despite it having its unglamorous side (and several espresso-fueled days) well, there's merit in that.
Ringing in this new year has been bittersweet for me. It's another year, just another holiday, but in my head I'm always trying to think of how I can do better, how I can improve, how I can manage my time better, speak to others better, get to know more people and do new things.
So. Here I am, 2 semesters in to PT school, never well rested enough, and completely exhilarated to be living the life I currently am. Busy but so happy with the things I spend my 24 hours a day on.
And I can't help but look back on that day so long ago now (almost 4 years!) when I sat in the office at my first endocrinologist appointment, scared and alone and frustrated and utterly angry. And how right it does turn out my endo and dietician were. Diabetes never limited me. I've had - and have, my bad days, and my long days, and days where I'm totally sweaty, exasperated and mad that Diabetes is interfering in my life. Matter of fact, as I write this I can feel a low coming on right now, and that feeling is as unsettling now as it has ever been.
But I've done it. I've achieved. I've overcome. And I'm doing it every day. And even though I live with this disease, it's taught me what I can overcome each and every day that I fight - not against it, as much as it feels like it so much of the time, but with it. Like it or not, Diabetes is a part of me, and while it doesn't limit me, while it isn't me, it will change me, and has changed me.
And for the first time in a long time, I'm starting to realize I'm ok with that.
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