Humble - For R.

Be humble, for you are made of earth. Be noble, for you are made of stars.
What does it mean? It never changed my outlook. But it describes what I feel about life.
Humility is so important, but it's not human tendency to be humble.
I've always felt acutely aware of this virtue. I see our tendencies - the way other people have conversations, and they listen, and wait until the moment they can have their say.
I feel self conscious sometimes for talking too much about myself. Do I, or do I make it up inside my head? Do we as people do to many things just to benefit ourselves in the end?
Me, well, I need to shut my mouth, and listen more.
Ok, so that's part selfishness.
But humility... life knocks us down. And God wills us to be humble almost, through these experiences, chaotic as they are.
I grew up feeling like I ruined the things I loved. Best friends left, Dad wasn't around, family fell apart... then I lost my freedom, so loved, to an illness, and I lost people I loved, I lost two cars, and it seems like the things I love and desire I just push away. I am humbled. It has torn me down. My life as it was "supposed" to be doesn't exist.

But me, I have learned to be happy.
I was bitter at the world at 14 and bottled it all in and kept everyone out. But daddy, he doesn't even know it, changed my life because he told me that to be happy was to be a choice. And something in that resonated with me, and I took my bitterness and the darkness - the selfishness, the jealousy and the tinge of cruelty in my heart and I pushed it aside. I can't completely leave it - it's there, but I learned to choose to be bright, to have joy and to let it shine through.
To see the little things, the good things that we can love about life.
To let myself mourn and be down when I have to, but then understand that I'll get back up again - just give it time.

I have learned to be proud of who I am. I am the outcast, the one who always finds the group outside the group.
2nd grade me was driving to school with mom and I looked at her and said,
"Mommy, I'm not popular."
I don't even remember what mom said, but I remember being acutely aware that my societal status on the totem pole was not one of monumental importance among my 2nd grade group. And outside the group I stayed, as I grew, I always gravitated towards the quiet ones, or the different ones, or the slightly weird ones.
And I loved it. I loved them. And they loved me.
And I learned that that's not mediocrity. If that's going to be who I am, who I naturally became, well then, I'll let it be. It's not settling. Actually, instead of trying to conform or fit in, I blossomed into myself. I realized that I'm not content with the external. What I loved was inside. The deeper things. The meaningful ones, and my world was just a little more behind the scenes than my popular classmates.
It's ok. Because I'd make it home there.
I'm the one content with that. I have never been in the "in" group, never once, truly. The time I feel equal is when I'm with my homeschool highschool friends.
The time I feel capable is when I'm working parties in a business I created from scratch here.
PT school has humbled me.

I am leveled, in many ways.
But I accept who I am, The introvert, the quiet artist, studier, writer, reader. Lover of poetry and solitary walks in the park. The feeling of being alone in a crowded room. The freedom of dancing, the love of deep conversations and rushing to write down poems as they fly through my head, like snowflakes that have fallen and are about to melt.
I'm selfish, I'm emotional, I'm stubborn. I'm lazy in many ways, I don't like to ask for help and I get a thrill from breaking the mold. I break rules. I bend them. I do things differently. I figure it out.
I'll be a PT, but I won't be a PT like others. Watch me. I like to do things my own way, and sometimes that gets me into trouble. But I have this keen feeling of intuition - I know I'll be ok if I do it this way, just trust myself and guide through - and so I trod along on a path that sometimes is more complicated than the path I could have, perhaps should have taken.
But it's who I am, and I do it with love for life and with passion.

How do you learn to maintain everything about the person you are but bend to accept and humble yourself around others?
First you learn to accept yourself. To forgive. To have patience. To have drive, and to let yourself not be afraid to fall just so...
And know your passions. What do you love to do? Because when you do what you love, who you are shines through, no matter what kind of mask you wear for them. 
Do the things you love with love and do what you do with love and joy in your heart and that joy that can't be faked will shine through.
I take a moment to write a poem down in class or start a blog of what's on my mind but it's the little things I have to do to let the real me breathe, to let who I am still shine through in this world of MMT and muscles of cardiopulmonary and muscular foundations and Exam and Interventions and goniometers and so much PT it makes my head dizzy because I am in over my head. And to keep from drowning I do what I know to do. And I make it work.

And I let myself remember that no matter how long or hard my struggle, everyone else has problems as big to them as mine are to me. They are busy. They've had their hearts broken. And they know how to make rational decisions, that may not be rational seeming to you but they are to them (Benefits outweigh the costs).
I promise myself I'll let myself be understanding. I'll be kindhearted. I'll make even the things I disagree with a learning experience or opportunity. It's life - it's beautiful, crooked, messed up, imperfect, disagreeable, and it's that variety that makes it worth living.
Value the person, and then go from there. When you realize that we as people have intrinsic value - no matter who we are - it's easier to start to understand, even if you don't fully. What matters is you are willing to try, and people will see that.
Let it touch your heart, and no matter what bad may lie there, the good will shine through the more you try.
There are things about me that I don't like but I can't change.
And I could try to beat myself up about why that is, but instead I'll try these little things piece by piece - recognizing each opportunity to try and understand someone else and be kind as one of growth -
And I feel that I actually make a lot more progress than I thought I would.