A Season of Changes

This post is personal, and so I'm sharing it with you.
There's a sort of good catharticism that comes from sharing personal things - you're laying yourself bare, and that can be draining, but you're also giving yourself a chance to let go of things and breathe.

I don't talk a lot about my past relationships anymore. I don't talk about them, because me and my husband-to-be have talked about pretty much everything from our pasts. There's nothing we don't talk about, really - and I find that so special and meaningful because I want the person I'm going to spend my life with to be as easy to communicate as breathing, and talking to him to be as natural to me as thinking thoughts in my own head. I've never had that before, and these past few months have really shown me how amazing it is to share the gift of good communication with someone.
I don't every feel like talking about past relationships is unwelcome. But when you've said all there is to be said and left no secrets behind, you don't really feel the need to. Sometimes, though, I think it'a ok to want to - it's good to get these things off your chest.

So, here I am. Someone I knew passed away last week. I knew her from a past relationship. It hurt me a lot more than I thought it would. She was my one of my teacher from high school's mother. My high school wasn't like your high school - it was a very tight knit, very loving and small group of homeschoolers that came together once weekly for classes. As an extent, I still keep up with most of these people today. They are wonderful. She was also my ex-boyfriend's grandmother. I spent a lot of time in Georgia when we were dating, and thus I spent a lot of time with her. I found myself wishing I had known her longer, because she seemed like an amazing woman. Capable, brilliant, beautiful. I heard nothing but good stories about her.
The last time I saw her was in May. I was in town for a brief visit, and she had gone back home to live with Florida family for a while now. She had recently had hip surgery and was recovering. I was struck with the need to go visit her. I didn't know why, honestly, but something told me to go. I asked my old teacher, who was also a friend, for permission first. After getting the ok and being told where she was staying. I picked up a card for her and decided to follow my gut and go.

I'm getting better and following my gut, but sometimes I still don't know why I do.
I pulled up to a pretty community in Winter Park, and went up to the lobby inside and asked for her. After some walking around and going up this elevator and down that hall and that, I finally found her room and waited on the nurse before going in and softly saying hello. I didn't talk about any of the bad things. Honestly, I wasn't sure if I was welcome or not - things between my ex and I had ended badly, and I'll be the first to take all the blame for that. I'm not a perfect person at all, and I feel I left a lot of residual damage on my road to finding myself. I can't undo it, and that's life. All I can try and do is be as kind as possible, although I'm sure there are plenty who would say I am not kind.

I spent a lot of time talking to her. I told her about my adventures in Atlanta. I told her about PT school, and how we had learned so much about hips and hip surgeries last semester. I talked about her family in Florida, my friends from school. I even talked about her other family - the family I can't talk to anymore - and how much I knew they loved her. I talked about the sun outside and the birds and how I hoped she could see them soon. I cried. And then I left the card on her table and softly said goodbye, leaving the room behind, knowing this was likely the last time I might ever see her.

I got chewed out for going to see her by my ex, as I had accepted might happen. That was the final straw - I hated that we were still bickering back and forth and arguing with each other. It saddened me because we were both being hurt. It had been over a year, and I was tired. I felt that this prolonged limbo was only acting as poison - no one could move on with something like that in their lives. No one deserves that. I hadn't been able to let go... but I did it then.

Last week and today - it's made me think a lot - about my past and, ultimately, about forgiveness. I don't feel ill will towards anyone in my past - I'm sure some think ill will of me, and it's ok. I get it.
I was trying to explain this to an elderly woman I was interviewing for a project last Wednesday. She was telling me about life in her community - how death was all around her now that she lived around the elderly. One day people are there, and the next, they're gone. It can happen in an instant. "I'm very sensitive about my age," she told me. Growing up, even 20 years ago - "You never picture yourself getting old." Time passes, years add on to our lives, and people go away. Even you go away, eventually. It's the hard reality of life. Tears came to both of our eyes as I told her the story I've just told you, and how I talked about the surprising amount of hurt, loss, and forgiveness I felt for my past. How sad I was about this woman's passing, and how much concern I felt for the loss I knew her family must feel.
Grief hurts, but it can bring healing, too.

I think it's ok to feel hurt about people or news even when they aren't part of your life anymore. Even after you've said goodbye. My past relationships left a lot of hurt and a lot to be upset about on both ends. I feel that I could be upset and angry also, but I don't think that's the road God intends us to take. We have to learn to give our worries to him and let him heal us in the way he knows best. We learn that in order for us to heal, it's good to wish the best for others. It helps you find peace, too, when you wish peace on others.


My life is changing more quickly now - this last year was about getting used to Atlanta, and becoming comfortable in my own skin here.
This year is about saying goodbye to the familiar that I have built and embracing the new. It's scary - I'm leaving the home I have so dearly come to love, and even more scary sometimes, I'm learning how to stop living life in the "just-me"; it's not about just me anymore.
It's about us - Kris and I. I'm not building a life alone anymore, but every day of our engagement is the opportunity to start laying the building blocks of the marriage we will have.
It's going to be the best adventure of my life. It's scary, but the cool part is, I'm not doing it alone - and I'll never have to.

Last week was a reminder of the changing times, and to remember to stop and take time to think on my past and find peace with it. To pray a little more, and yes, to mourn, too. Because I am sad, and loss comes to us all and changes us, in big ways or little ones or both.
Yes, it's very much the season to let things go. I'm starting to "purge" old things everyday as not too long from now I'll be packing my belongings in boxes once again. It's time to forgive my past. And to embrace the new. This is a time of transitions for me, a time for learning and getting ready for all of the changes that are coming. In a little over 6 months, I get to marry the most wonderful man I've ever met. And while change has never been my favourite, I know it's something about life I can't control. I can only embrace it and do the best I can.