Our Wedding: Blog 1

Wow! It's been a week and a half since Kris and I's wedding, and I'm still in awe of the incredible outpouring of love and support that family, friends and complete strangers have given us! Our wedding day was quite simply, the best day I've ever had. It was the day I got to marry my best friend, and I'll never forget it. It will take a whole blog (if not more!) to rave about our wedding and how wonderful it was. And how wonderful marriage is. A whole blog (or two)... that will be saved for a different day. This one is about actually getting to that day.

It was a tumultuous trip to get to that day. Wedding planning is stress, as I'm sure anyone that has planned one knows. Getting the venue was a rush - trying to visit places to tour their venue before anyone else booked the dates we had in mind. Trying to find a caterer was one of the most stressful things - and the most expensive. Doing your registry. Stupid little things - like tablecloths and flower arrangements and if I want the garter toss or bouquet toss first. And what kind of skillets should I register for? What colour towels? Thankfully - I had a lot of help from my family and friends for those "little" things.

And then there's people. Don't even get me started on guests. I love every single one of the people I invited, don't get me wrong. But if you're planning a wedding, be prepared for some pretty heartbreaking cancellations. On the forefront of those cancellations is one that really upset me more than anything. Yes - I'm okay about it. Yes - I've talked about it with others (and it's helped). But yes - it still hurts, which is why I'm doing the cathartic thing and writing about it.

My dad cancelled the day before my wedding.
My dad and I don't have the best relationship. I've always loved my dad - when I was a kid, my dad hung the moon for me. My parents haven't been together for a long time, but I remember the excitement of weekends I got to spend with my dad, watching my fill of cartoons and eating cheez its until I was sick. Selling art for $.25 to my siblings and their friends - my best (and only) customers. My dad would let me set up my Barbie tent on the bed so I could sleep on it. When I got older, I saw my dad less. He moved away for a long time. I didn't see him for two years. I prayed for my dad every night those 2 years, missing him. One year, he came back. I was in middle school. In high school, we drifted apart because of some family drama.  But my mom and I had moved right down the road from him, so in the last three years of high school, I still got to see my dad a little more. Things got strained over the years just because of some wacky family dynamics. My dad missed a lot of milestones in my life. But he made it to others - one of my ballet recitals. My Phi Theta Kappa induction. Senior prom. (One) of my graduations - my graduation from Valencia Community College, right before my high school graduation. Sometimes, my dad would drive me home from school. Once, he drove me to Georgia. He was usually 3 hours late, but it meant the world to me that he was there. Sometimes, I'd get cards for birthdays - sure, they'd be labeled wrong ("Happy Graduation!") and 3 months late, but they got there.
But once I moved to Georgia for my Bachelor's degree, things just got more strained because of family. And slowly - my dad started fading out of my life more and more. I still made time to see him on vacations home. He always promised me he would come visit me in Georgia, and I believed him. The cards got less frequent - they weren't late. They just never came.
I guess the other people in my family that knew my dad were trying to protect me from the disappointment of the fact that my dad just isn't reliable. Or doesn't care. Or maybe both. In college was when I started to learn it. Then, the night of my college graduation from Wesleyan - my proudest accomplishment to that date - my Dad cancelled on me. "He'd had some drama with work happen and he was just drained," he said. I was sad... but I did forgive him. I didn't forget it, but I tried to give him as much grace as I could muster. Maybe it really just was a bad work week.

But my dad and I drifted apart more as I really started to feel the brunt of his not seeming to care. I started visiting home and I wouldn't ask my dad if he was around to visit. I just didn't have the heart to see him and spend 4 hours listening to him talk about himself, while he had never even asked me what I was going to school for or what I wanted my career to be. Or even a simple, "how are you?" I loved my dad, but... he had hurt me. And my disappointment in my dad was real. Maybe it hurt even more knowing that he could be there, but he simply... chose not to?

Kris proposed to me. I hadn't seen my dad in a whole year, and my life had completely changed. Kris had never met my dad. I told him that he didn't need my dad's blessing to propose. I just couldn't put that stipulation on Kris when my Dad hadn't even remembered my birthday. In December, I decided that Kris needed to meet him. I texted my dad to see when he was free while we were down. My dad didn't text me back until the day we were leaving. He did it like nothing was the matter. "2 pm ok?"
We had a full day planned, but I moved things around. I wanted to give my dad a chance.
We spent 4 hours listening to my father talk. He didn't ask about Kris or I. He didn't ask Kris anything about his life. My dad talked about billboards, and the president's he'd shaken hands with. He talked about his old car. His first trailer. I pasted a forced smile on my face and laughed at the same jokes I'd heard every time I spent time with him dad. I gave my dad our wedding invitation. He gave me a Christmas card. He took a photo of us. We left. Kris and I drove off, and the smile fell off my face. I was unable to hide my disappointment in my father for not even taking 5 minutes to express interest in the man I was going to marry. But he had promised he'd be at the wedding. My dad RSVP'd.
Still... my dad hadn't been there for me throughout my life. And I had had multiple father figures. So ultimately, I decided to nix the first dance with my father and I asked my sweet grandfather to walk me down the aisle. I did these as safeguards, but I honestly did still believe my dad was coming. It wasn't until 2 weeks before that I started to get this sinking feeling that maybe... maybe he wasn't coming. He'd sent me a text complaining about his health about a month before. The day before my wedding, at my sister's bidding, I finally got the courage to ask my dad if he was still coming. I guess I hadn't asked earlier that week because I was worried about how disappointed I would be - I was worried about the disappointment I was trying to mask.
I texted my dad. And he texted me back.
"Won't see you in person honey.... but LOVE YOU! xoxo"

Kris was standing with me and my joy about the weekend fell off of my face, the hurt hitting me like someone had shoved a pile of weighted bricks into my arms. I couldn't help it.
My dad cancelled on me, and he didn't even call to tell me. I couldn't help but to ask him when he was planning on telling me. When I looked for him in the crowd, just like I had anxiously searched the crowds at my ballet recitals and gymnastics meets as a little girl? I had been a girl anxiously and joyously wanting to share her life with her daddy. And part of me was still that little girl, heart and stomach fluttering with butterflies, just hoping with all of my heart to see my daddy in the crowd - this time to see him in the crowd on the biggest day of my life. I guess the last bit of faith I had in my dad crumbled that day, and part of my heart, quite honestly, broke a little. Part of me felt a little more alone as I grew closer to the day that I would marry the love of my life and never be alone again.
I was so thankful for the pep talks that Kris and my other loved ones gave me. They really helped. But there's part of me that will always mourn the fact that my dad neither showed up to my wedding, nor got us a wedding gift, or even told me on his own accord that he wasn't coming - the things that might of shown that he at least cared a little.
This blog really isn't intended to be a "bitch fest", but rather, it's just to help me heal and try and start to forgive my dad, at least for the sake of my own heart, so that it doesn't become bitter towards him.
And it's also to say that I'm so incredibly thankful for the people that have been there for me in my life, in the best and worst of times. It's to say that I'm so thankful that I gained new family when Kris and I married - to emphasize the fact that my family in law is some of the most genuinely kind, caring and helpful individuals that I've ever me. To emphasize the fact that my mother in law is an absolute rock star and that she was literally like my "wedding guardian angel" and that Kris and I probably would be a little less sane without her. I adore them, and my heart is so full and happy with knowing that I get to have the honour of being part of their family. It's to thank my good friends the Newman's - especially Bryan Newman (I hope it's okay that I'm bragging on you), who has known my father from Junior High and who was there for me not only on my wedding day, but even on my college graduation day, when my father cancelled. And more than that... he's just always been there, since my undergraduate days, watching over me and helping me with more things than I can count. And he did it all on his own accord - he just reached out to me one day and was gracious enough to make me feel like I had people to watch over me even when I was far away from home.
I'm thankful for Kris and I's friends Katy and Connor, who stepped in to be a groomsman and bridesmaid after we had cancellations. We're going to Europe on our honeymoon with Katy and Connor in December, and they are some of the coolest Jesus-loving folks I know. Katy agreed to be my bridesmaid when I'd never even met her, and more so, she basically coordinated my entire wedding without my even asking her to. I'm so incredibly thankful for them, even though I was a terribly mess of nerves and disorganization that weekend and I know it showed.
I'm thankful for my mom. And my grandma. They did all of the little things I didn't even want to think about. My mom and grandma and I all disagree sometimes (stubbornness is hereditary) but they were patient and loving with me. They were generous and they were there to help. Mom and grandma were so incredibly creative with planning the wedding decor and much of the food and I truly valued their love and wisdom and just plain support for Kris and I.
I'm thankful for my sister (and matron of honor), who was rock during these past few months, and who really sympathized over all of my family drama with me. My sister is incredibly organized (unlike me) and planned a beautiful bridal shower for me. She created these incredible books filled with photos of my bridal shower and bachelorette party and captured countless precious memories about pre-wedding things over the months leading to our wedding. I'm thankful for my maid of honor, my best friend Kelle, who planned an incredible bachelorette party for me and who is also far more organized than I will ever be. I'm thankful for the Osburn family, who helped me make beautiful wedding props and who have basically opened their house to me on a permanent basis to crash at and have opened their fridge to me on more occasions than I can thing of. I'm thankful for the VonBartheld family (probably still spelled their last name wrong), who not only gave Kris and I an awesome bird, but who helped me plan my other bridal shower in Georgia with many of my loving classmates - who gifted me with their friendship - who have been amazing comedic relief throughout these past few months when I got stressed. I'm thankful for each and every one of my bridesmaids. I'm thankful for my stepdads, who were there for me even when it wasn't the most convenient thing in the world for them. One of them had to work the next day... but he flew in that Sunday to be there for me for our wedding for 3 short hours, before he had to get on a plane to leave for back home. I'm thankful for my entire family. I'm thankful for all of our friends who showed Kris and I endless support and love. I'm thankful for everyone I may have overlooked in writing this post.
I'm thankful for my incredible groom - the love of my life, the best husband ever, and my best friend. Every moment of difficulty in planning a wedding was worth it when I walked down the aisle to you. I'm overjoyed to spend every day with you.

I'm just plain thankful. And blessed.

So there. I got the sad stuff off of my chest first, and then I wrote about the good stuff - and now I feel very happy and loved indeed. In short - Kris and I are so incredibly blessed and thankful to be surrounded by so much love. We're so happy to be married. And life is a sad, mysterious, joyful and wonderful place indeed.