2018

2018 seemed like an incredibly long way away when I was a kid. I remember drives to gymnastics practice, talking about how the Aquifer was going to run out of water in 2016, or how all the cars would be self driving, or how Blu-Ray was the way of the future. Life seemed like such a mountain stretching before me, made up of unknowns and things so far I couldn't even imagine them. Even physical therapy school was a world away, not even a thought yet in my head, and even when it was, reading through the requirements for school made it seem impossible. Unlikely. Daunting. Tiring. I get tired just thinking of it right now, because having to go back through it would seem nearly impossible.

And yet here we are. Those afternoons in the gym practicing balance beam are long gone. My aqua blue room and days spent with my friends playing outdoors are distant memories. I feel a wave of sadness thinking about this - my childhood, all of the things I cherished as a young girl, have expired their time in my life, and I only have journals and some old photos to look back on and remember those days. One day, I'm going to wake up and those photos are going to look even older than they do now. I'll be far "older" than I am now. Life seems like an incredibly brief but also a long time, even at 24.

I used to sit and make a lot of new years resolutions. Some I've long since met - others recurring over the years; listen better, don't cut people off when they're talking, think more before I speak (see a pattern here, lol), learn a new language. For a couple years in college, I ditched my new years resolutions and, instead, used to write a list of bad or sad things on a piece of paper. When the clock struck midnight, I'd throw my list into the fire. Literally out with the bad, in with the new and unknown. I used to think I had my whole life figured out in undergrad. I was going to marry my first boyfriend, maybe settle down in Macon if Mercer started a PT program there, buy a house in the country, where I thought I wanted to live. I hated dancing. Wanted to do outpatient ortho physical therapy. Life does this funny thing of slowly tossing those premade plans away. There was no PT program in Macon. Why did I want to stay in Macon anyways? Things with the BF went aside in a magnificently horrendous way. I moved to Atlanta. I don't even like the country, I like the city. By the way, Macon sucks (God bless it, I love it, but it does). I decided I loved Geriatrics. I began dancing and met the love of my life there. Things change slowly, but massively. And the world keeps spinning on and you find yourself thinking of how all those little puzzle pieces came together years later.

Even now, those puzzle pieces are still shifting every day. Things are in play that perhaps I'm not even aware of. Ten years from now, I'll giggle at how "old" 24 year old me thought I felt. I'll have made some new friends, lost a bunch, still be friends with a few of my closest. Heck, maybe I'll even have a kid of my own, but independent, highly career-driven, progressive, 24 year old me staunchly says no at this point to kids or even a dog. Life will change me little by little. Maybe hone is a better word? It's still me - I'm still that same 15 year old girl that sat in her aqua blue room, looking up at her glow in the dark stars at night, dreaming dreams of the future and the man I'd someday marry and how great my career would be and how it seemed like my highschool friends would be my friends forever and how Viva La Vida by Coldplay was definitely the best album ever (dang, 15 year old me was dumb). But I'm also not. 15 year old me never would have pictured life like it is now. She thought she had faced a lot of hardships, and she had, but she didn't know how many more were left to come. Life has a lot of challenges as you get older, and all the things you thought would be so great are marred by bigger responsibilities, risks, and failures. But it's enriching all the same.

I didn't stop to make a new years resolution list this year. But I'm constantly thinking of the ways in which I'd like to be better, and this year, as I'm sure is the same for everyone, was a big year of painful challenges, lessons, changes, and honing the person that I am. I, like probably everyone, am not exempt from wishing that I could tell past me so many of the lessons I learned the hard way. But, future me does have the advantage of already having learned a lot of these hard lessons. This year, as far as I know, does not portend to be one of great and massive changes. Hubby and I are moving into a pretty incredible new apartment, which is definitely the highlight thus far - it has a viw of the skyline to die for, and a view of Jackson Street Bridge, where we got engaged. I remember that night (naturally!) so clearly. I remember Kris looking at those very same apartments we are now moving into and saying that he dreamed of living there one day. Life is pretty cool when it surprises you with fulfillment like that. Other than that though... no major changes expected. I like my job, I hope to still be working there and thriving this time next year. I still adore my side business of face painting and balloons, and hope to still do that. I hope I change, though. I hope I change for the better. I hope I keep striving to dig for new information to make myself a better clinician. I hope to practice more German. Make my finance goals. Keep paying off big dents in my loans. I hope I can still keep practicing to be a better listener. To be a more compassionate person and stop blaming my hardship-hardened heart on my difficulties with empathizing. I hope I'm a better diabetic. I hope I actually use that elliptical at those new apartments. Don't get me wrong. I'm at a place in life where I am confident, proud, and happy with who I am. I've built a lot for 24. I'm financially stable. I have the health insurance I so desperately needed in my teens. I've run a business for years, learned some powerful lessons on communication, and found a church I adore so much that I am actually sad whenever I miss a Sunday there. I've handled communicating some major grievances with confidence to people, lost a friend or two, but felt at peace with how I chose to handle things. I've learned a lot about marriage and sticking things through and how to handle conflict in ways that are better than the ways I previously thought were good. I've learned to be a little less like Jonah in the bible, and remind myself that sometimes, my fears and frustrations aren't always coming from an outside source. They originate from within. And it takes a lot of work to untangle and resolve what is within. At work I've learned, even as a new grad, that I know more than I think. I've handled conflict successfully at work and learned to work as part of a team. I've learned lessons about treating patients and every day makes me better. I've learned that 20 years of physical therapy experience is not always better than 1. I think that 15 year old me would be very proud of my life now.

But still... that's the thing that makes life beautiful, isn't it? Never falling into complacency. Always striving for more. I know that drives us to lead healthier, more fulfilling lives. And that's what I aim to keep doing in 2018. Always striving for better.