Anxiety is definitely something that has reared an ugly head at me lately, and I suppose that shouldn't come as a surprise seeing as I tend to push myself a little too much. It's funny, though, because my whole life I've always thought I never struggled with anxiety - but really, I think I just didn't have a name for what I felt until recently. In school, I always used to tell myself how much less stressed I would be when I graduated, but now that I'm out of school, it always seems as though there's something else to tackle, to manage, to overcome. Then again, I suppose that could be considered adulthood. But shouldn't adulthood also be seeking a healthy balance between these things?
I've been trying to be more introspective about it lately, and my stress/anxiety certainly has traceable sources. Namely, work. I love my job - there are some days where I find my job very stressful, but if you were to tell me to find a new job, I could give you a dozen reasons why I love being right where I'm at. But, even I have had a hard time lately reconciling the love I have for my job and the stress I feel. Working in a skilled nursing home, I find some days a lot more challenging than others. The patients can be physically demanding, with a large portion of my patients being bariatric, suffering from recent strokes, new amputations, or moderate to severe dementia. Some days, I find the work very rewarding. The day I helped one of my patients with a bilateral amputation stand, I cried with him in joy. I've helped patients get on their feet in time to discharge for their birthdays. I've made special patient relationships and learned a great deal. Other days, it seems like nothing goes right. My 30 minute treat turns into an hour. I get yelled at. I get yelled at again. A patient doesn't want to come to therapy but it's an assessment day so they have to get their therapy minutes. One patient's family member won't stop hanging around the gym asking non stop questions or stopping back in as I'm trying to just take a moment or catch up on the 2 pages of documentation I have. 7 patients will be admitted over the weekend and I'm the only physical therapist currently, leaving me trying to just play catch up the first half of the week. It's a job that, quite frankly, can breed stress, and this is something I've had to be very mindful of, especially over the past month, since I've been the only PT. I am the kind of person that puts my heart and soul into my work, no matter what it is, and I want to try to make a difference in people's lives. But some days, I leave work feeling like I've done no good and my best just isn't good enough. How do you cope with the ups and downs?
To combat these things, as well as to help pay off a bulk of my student loans from early on, I've continued to do gigs in order to make extra money, but also just to give myself a break from health care and get a few hours to feel truly good at my work. I've spent a lot of time reflecting on why I find my work as a children's entertainer at times, more rewarding than my work as a therapist. The conclusion I have come to is that, yes, they are both rewarding in different ways. Therapy is a more hard-earned, disciplined reward, with not always instantly gratifying outcomes. You may work with a patient for works before those small strides add up to something truly celebratory. And what's more - the very nature of therapy, of healthcare, is different. You are assisting people through some of the most difficult times in their lives. Entertainment, on the other hand, is instantly gratifying. I'm a special occasion expense. People hire me for a specific reason and they want me at their events. People review me and praise me for my expertise. Parties are full of laughter, song, and dance. Smiles and joy. I assist people with some of the happiest days of their lives. Entertainment is riding a high - whereas healthcare can be a combination of highs and lows. I believe a balance of the two has certainly been instrumental in combating any early new-grad burnout, as it's important for us as individuals to feel that we are good at things, while being challenged to expand our skill sets and push us on to more.
However, as a result, I know I've certainly asked a lot of myself. I always thought that doing extra work might be easier outside of school, as school was certainly stressful. However, I think I've found the opposite to be the case now that I've graduated. I find work a lot more draining than school was sometimes, as much as I love it. Perhaps it's the extra responsibility, or the standards I put upon myself... or maybe it's just because I'm getting older? But I'll come home from work a lot more tired than I felt after a day in the classroom. With this in mind, I don't feel as energetic as I once was, and I find myself needing a lot more mental health days and rest breaks in between. This is not as easy to execute as it sounds, with high student loan repayment, the rising cost of living, and trying to put away savings. I have been financially stable since I was 17 years old, having built a successful business in Georgia. I opened my first mutual fund at 18, as the financial adviser gawked at me and asked me how I'd managed to save what I had. However, life in this generation is expensive, and trying to save for bigger purchases - a car, maybe a home someday, and just have more financial security than I did when I was 18 (which, I'll readily admit, I had more saved at 18 than I do now, after a wedding and 7 years of college haha) - takes a lot of work. Combine this with the tendency to load too much on to yourself, and I know that it can be a recipe for unwellness, if not executed carefully. I am my own worst enemy, with the standards I hold myself to at times.
To help, I've certainly tried to incorporate a lot more "self wellness" into my routine lately. Meditation, quiet time, weekends off, hiking, date nights, stepping away from social media, joining a church community group, consistently going to church, yoga, learning dungeons and dragons (nerd alert), picking up a book - wellness is a lot of things. As best as I can... I have a very hard time staying still, and I like to fill every moment of mine with something useful, something worthwhile, something productive. Sitting alone and just sleeping or resting is a largely foreign concept for me, something I've been trying to get better at, especially seeing as my husband is very fond of being at home. But managing stress also certainly has implications with my health, I know, and a lot of what I've been trying to do has centered around trying to manage my health in terms of Diabetes goes. Just trying to change the mindset of "I'm too busy, I'll check my blood sugar later" has been a tough one for me. Or trying to sit down when I get hypoglycemic to eat and let my sugar come back up in between patient care. Taking the time to cook healthy, low-carb meals at home. And... yes, perhaps trying to find an option for work with better health insurance. As much as I love the work that I do, I've spent over 8 years putting my health on the backburner for the mythical "someday" I wouldn't be stressed and had perfect health insurance benefits. As I've gone through adulthood, I have certainly learned, with great disappointment, that the world is not like that. Perfect benefits don't exist, or if they do, they are transient, and life in America with an expensive chronic illness is a volatile, ofttimes emotionally and physically trying journey that beseeches you to fight and advocate for yourself every step of the way. I have had to spend a year coping with this reality, after fighting to be out of school and reach the light at the end of the tunnel for so long, and I've certainly had to build my desire to fight back up after learning how hard things would continue to be. There are days when you do get tired of fighting. There are days when you get angry. Days where you wonder why things couldn't have been different, or why you were chosen to shoulder this burden. But, I think another part of seeking better self wellness for me has been to accept the things I do not have control over, acknowledge what makes me unhappy or upsets me, and focus on what I can do to change these things. As a goal oriented individual, this method has helped me a great deal to focus on what's important, and to help me lead a proactive lifestyle. But on the same coin, taking that same intentionality and turning it into intentionally choosing to relax and sometimes do nothing, and to let go of the things that stress me, has been equally important in learning what I need to function better.
This post wasn't necessarily super exciting, but it's something I've been thinking about for a while, as I enter my second year as a physical therapist, having learned a great deal and having realized how much more I currently have to learn. And it's something I've been thinking about as I approach my 25th birthday, which I'll admit I've been having a hard time reconciling with, as I feel that adulthood is passing me so very quickly. 18 feels like a lifetime ago, while still feeling like a mere year ago. And I still feel somewhere very caught in between a teenager and an adult, waiting to feel as though I belong with other adults, but never quite feeling there. I suppose as a child I never considered that many adults might feel that way, but here we are.
Anyways, I thank you (as always) for reading my blog - stay tuned for more dia-ventures in the near future.
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