This week marks a massive milestone for me: it has been one year since I began living alone. Looking back, I'm frankly blown away by the speedy passage of time. I hurt so much back then that I thought I didn't even want to live anymore. I have experienced a lot of pain in my life, but nothing compared to what my heart went through during that time. I cried until my eyes went dry. I couldn't eat. And once I was finally stable enough to be alone, I felt like the silence I came home to swallowed me whole, each passage of each hour slowly ticking by, marking an eternity of solitude that lay before me. I felt like a fragile shell, easily broken by any small kink in the day, easily jostled by any bad news, waiting constantly for the other shoe to drop. It was a time of great questioning for me. A year ago, I sat crying on the floor, telling myself that I could still undo things, that things could return to how they were in my life before I chose to walk down this path of ending my marriage. Looking back, I believe I knew what I needed to do, but there was no way for me to fully anticipate or understand the kind of pain that the journey would put me through. It was enough to make me want to stop and rewind. But I am so fortunate that that wasn't what happened.
We don't always know what we need while it's happening. A year ago, I couldn't tell you that I needed things to happen the way they did. I didn't realize that tearing apart my entire schema of life: confronting all of the pent up guilt, the anxiety, the uncertainty, the anger, even: was pivotal to moving forward in my life. I felt stagnant for many years. It was only this year that I began to feel like a stream from which rocks have been dislodged, allowing the waters to flow freely once more. "I just can't find peace," I thought to myself long time ago. "No matter how hard I try. There are questions I can't silence, and answers I can't bear to face." At the time I experienced my lowest point, I couldn't know that relearning how to seek happiness, appreciate the world around me, lean into my loved ones, was all part of the framework that would build this incredible future that I'm living now. It was all I could do to get out of bed in the morning. I sang a song very often during those first few months, as I leaned heavily into John Mark McMillan and Josh Garrels' music during this time to provide me comfort as I processed my pain, for much of the time, alone.
Farther along we'll know all about it, Farther along we'll understand why. So cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine. We'll understand this, all by and by.
As my counselor, who has known me for years and counseled both myself and my ex husband, told me this evening, "You're here because you put in the hard work." And I know that that is true. I have never felt more loved, more supported, or more true to myself than I do now.
There are a lot of emotions that come with this time. I know that what I write perhaps seems melodramatic, but I had only ever lived alone for about 5 months out of my entire life prior to last year. This year pointed out many glaring facets of myself to me: I had never cultivated a satisfaction for living alone and creating my own space. I wasn't sure how to be happy alone. I relied on people I was in a relationship with to fill up my space. I had to completely rethink how I approached life, how I filled my time, and what brought me peace.
It feels like a lifetime ago, because now - without trying to sugarcoat it - I truly wake up each and every day so grateful for my life. I love my beautiful home. I love its views that overlook the city. I love my plant jungle on the patio. I love the light on Sunday evenings at sunset. The high ceilings, the decor I've painstakingly rearranged and added to for years now (and redone this past year). I wake up now and I am so happy. Truly. It's been the hardest and the best year of my life.
So... I have a lot of words of advice for anyone struggling with loneliness. Or living alone. For people exiting relationships, or entering new phases. I've lived it, each painful day and week, and it didn't happen all at once but one day the sadness didn't drag me down anymore: I realized I'd risen above it. My hard work had buoyed me upwards.
Firstly, treat yourself. I get myself fresh flowers weekly. I got a subscription to a monthly box I liked. Those little gifts really lift my spirits. When I cultivate my space and intentionally use my money to spend on something aside from basic necessities - it gives me something to look forward to, and was a much needed bright spot for me.
Secondly, exercise. No, really. I didn't know how badly I needed a regular routine. I got an unlimited subscription at a yoga studio. It has hands down been the best thing I've spent money on this year. The accountability of going to a class - being able to watch my body get stronger and transform - it has been so empowering and satisfying. If you have a hard time motivating yourself to go to the gym, which I do, I highly recommend a subscription to a studio or some other type of gym. It has improved my mental health tenfold. It can be pricey - but for me, it's worth setting aside this money because it's an investment into myself. (Also, if I skip eating out 3-4 times per month, that pays for my classes. So it can definitely pay to shift priorities if you are able).
Thirdly, get outside. This is harder in the winter time. I'm really grateful I went through the darkest times I did in the summer - I always used to hate summer, but this past year it became one of my favorite seasons. I intentionally made trips to the beach. I bought a bike and rode to the park, to the grocery store, just rode. Start a garden. Feel the earth in your hands. Lie underneath the sun and just daydream. I'll admit winter was hard for me because I couldn't do these things as much. I really relied on exercise and visiting friends more during this time. But every sunny day I could get? I made it a point to spend some time outside.
Fourth, lean into your friends and family. This should be a gimme. But I started weekly calls with my sister. I made time to see friends. It was a huge shift for me, one who is so work-centric. COVID was actually a blessing in that I couldn't work as much as I'm used to. It’s easy to go down the rabbit hole of feeling alone, to get lost alone by yourself. It really helped for me to schedule phone calls, that way I'd stick to doing them - otherwise I'm the kind of person that can sit at home alone and talk to no one, even if I promise I still love you.
Lastly, I highly recommend planning things to look forward to. I planned frequent weekend trips to see friends. I got to travel a few times this year. I climbed a mountain on a spiritual hike in a rainstorm. We all need something to look forward to, and having those checkpoints helps give you motivation to push through each day.
I could say a lot of other things - about how that spiritual hike changed my life. About how faith and my church really got me through the hard times, even when we couldn't meet in the middle of a pandemic. I found a quiet spot in my neighborhood by a pond that I loved spending time in. I picked up a new hobby that challenged me (music), and leaned into new books. I started pen pals with people - I loved the excitement of a letter awaiting me in the mail. It's been a lot of self care - but not the froufrou kind. It's been the intentional kind, that I built on and sometimes forced myself to initiate until finally, my mind started realizing I was human again. And you know what? It's rocked. I'm so grateful for this time learning to be happy on my own. It makes me so appreciative of the little things, even more appreciative of the big things, and enriched my life in ways I never realized I needed.
It's so good to be in that place. For all that I felt I had lost last year: I spent a year "alone", but gained more than I could ever imagine.
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