Living With Diabetes Isn't Easy... Thankfully, Complaining About It Is

If I had a brand new beta cell for every time somebody told me, "I couldn't do that" in response to my telling them about having Diabetes, I would no longer have Type 1 Diabetes.

I do not know why people tell this to me. Do they think that it makes me feel better? Is it pity? Sympathy? Just a nice way to say, "Man, I'm so glad I don't have to deal with what you do"?

It does not make me feel better when people say this to me. It does not make me feel like a superior human being in the fact that I handle Type 1 Diabetes. It does not make me glow with self-satisfaction. It makes me feel separate from "normal" people. It makes me feel like I'm some nerdy freak who actually enjoys counting every single carb of the food that goes into my mouth, saying no to alcohol and testing my blood sugar multiple times a day. In fact, it really just make me want to strangle whoever it is who just said that to me and say, "Don't you understand??"

Still, I have to be fair. If someone had actually sat me down and explained to me the life of a Type 1 Diabetic before I ever got diagnosed, it is very likely that I would have said the very same thing. I couldn't do it. Needles were my biggest fear in the entire world. I could imagine no worse fate than to have ever gotten diagnosed with such a needle-loving disease. The one time somebody tried to test my blood sugar I ran screaming through the house at the top of my lungs until they finally gave up and left me in peace. And if I had known the bigger picture, that there is so much more to Type 1 Diabetes than just testing one's blood sugar and giving injections, I don't think I could have ever possibly fathomed having to cope with such a formidable illness.

But Diabetes didn't care about my inhibitions. For some reason forever unbeknownst to me, I was one of the few destined to have a faulty pancreas. It was not a choice - it just was. Which leads me to my point: saying I couldn't do it to living with Diabetes, to me, is an illogical statement. It doesn't matter whether or not you think that you could do it. The fact of the matter is, choosing to live a life with Type 1 Diabetes is not an option. It was both the hardest and simplest choice that I ever had to make: Life, or death.
Diabetes is a terrible disease. I never wanted to have to live with Diabetes. When I was in the hospital, I spent a long time thinking to myself, sure, living with Diabetes was possible, but what kind of life would that be? Was it one truly even worth living?

And you know what? It was. Life became immeasurably harder than I could have ever imagined, but I had been given only one life to live, one life to make the best of, and I couldn't let Diabetes ruin that for me.

I didn't choose a life with Diabetes, it chose me. Counting my carbs, giving myself daily injections, keeping glucose tabs on hand for lows, handling the physical, mental and emotional turmoil of an incurable disease, testing my blood sugar often, attempting to act the part of a pancreas in the place of the one that failed me... it's all part of the inconvenience that I must now deal with in order to enjoy the things that other people without my illness can enjoy. I will never get used to my life with Diabetes, nor will I ever enjoy the burden that it places on my shoulders. But I have adapted, and accepted, my condition - when before, if faced with the same obstacle, I would have never thought that I could. There is something about having Type 1 Diabetes that makes you realize how fragile and weak of a person you are; it happens when you must deal with the reality of your mortality so often on a daily basis. But having Diabetes, and conquering it, also teaches you valuable lessons and makes you so much more of a stronger person than you were before. Diabetes has completely changed my life, has changed my personality, has changed so many things about the person that I once was. But not all in bad ways. Diabetes has shown me that I can do things that I never thought that I could. It places fear in my life but gives me the strength to conquer my fears. Type 1 Diabetes has shown me that if something truly matters to you, it doesn't matter what stands in your way. You'll face it; if only to be able to hold on to that one precious thing that you treasure so dearly which, for me, is life.

Life with Type 1 Diabetes is harder than a life without, but I think that if others were faced with my disease, they would make the same choice that I did: which is to not only survive with Diabetes, but to thrive.

Kudos to my father for not only that last line, but for inspiring me to live, even with the struggle of having Type 1 Diabetes.
(And thanks to my awesome mom, too, who helped me learn how to kick Diabetes in the butt!)

Cheating Diabetes

Diabetes is very smart. It always seems to know just when I try to cheat it. I decided to eat a 26 carb oatmeal cream pie as my 15-30 grams of carbs snack? Great, let's just make life difficult for Lacy and throw in a 203 BG. Oh, oh, you wanted ramen noodles for dinner because you're a poor college student? Guess again, Diabetes don't care how poor you are. 255!
Diabetes is also a raging hypocrite. I decided not to Bolus for my shell-less taco salad from QDoba? Come on, that guac had some carbs in it. But my BG is a perfect 92 afterwards. I decided to have a 32 carb apple for snack? Won't even send my BG over 120. A non-bolused for steak dinner with vegetables? It somehow seems to break some sort of unsaid law that my BG would be 82, 2 hours later.

The conclusion I have is thus: Having Type 1 Diabetes is not easy for a College Student. The dilemma is the fact that I have limited funds and thus minimal access to healthy foods. A hamburger is 99 cents, yet a salad on the same menu is $6. Apples and peaches are $1.25 a pound, and yet an entire box of Zebra Cakes is $1.50. So how do I manage my Diabetes well, eating healthy food whilst surviving on a small budget? Well, some of the times, I fail. That is the first thing that I have had to come to terms with. Sometimes, no matter how well I attempt to manage my Diabetes, my blood sugars will not always be what I want them to be.  But this doesn't mean that I'm necessarily set up for failure forever. There is some wiggle room for success in there somewhere. Over the past few months I have compiled a couple of tips to add to my Diabetic Survival Guide.

1.) Minimize snacking with 0 carb drinks.
This is a big one for me. I am a snacker, always have been and always will, and my eating habits can often be compared to that of a small bird. I don't necessarily eat much, but I like to munch on all kinds of things. Cookie Dough, lunch meat, peanut butter, you name it - not much is safe from me in the kitchen, or from on somebody else's plate. I've had an extremely hard time combating my snacking habits ever since getting home from the hospital in April. My solution? Drinks. They are both a great way to stay hydrated and prevent mindless snacking. Soda was one of the easiest things for me to give up since getting Diabetes. I was never much of a soda drinker, and liked to try other, healthier alternatives. Thankfully, this was and is easy because there are many other options open to someone watching to lower their sugar/carb intake. Over the past few months I have become something of a drink connoisseur, perusing the store isles looking for new anti-snack weapons. Amongst my favorites are these:

(As well as plain Diet Coke and Coke Zero products)

This much underrated Diet drink is one of the best and most normal tasting I have tried so far.

This one unfortunately is always very difficult for me to find but it one of my favorites.

So, you see, there are many low carb options available whether you're just tired of plain water or would like to try something new and healthy for a change. These options are relatively inexpensive, last a good while, and are great to both minimize the amount of food you eat *and* help me control my blood sugars even better!

2. Eggs

Perhaps this second tip seems strange to you, its being in a category all its own. However, eggs have become so important to me that I feel as if they deserve their own paragraph dedicated solely to their greatness. Eggs have literally been a Diabetic lifesaver for me. The perfect College staple. Now before you go all Diabetes-Police on me and tell me how bad it is for my cholesterol to eat several eggs a day, hear me out. I am of the belief that just because you eat high cholesterol foods, that doesn't necessarily mean that it is going to make your cholesterol high. Smoking gives me a greater risk of cardiovascular problems than eggs do. Eating a sugary cereal is going to have a worse effect on my blood sugar than nutrient-filled eggs. It's always felt wrong to me to limit the consumption of something so simple, healthy and natural as an egg. In fact, there are few studies that can prove that one or two eggs a day have any negative affect on your cholesterol levels. And why the heck would I go through all the trouble of trying to remove the yolk from the egg and only eat the white? Then I'm left with a pitiful excuse for a meal and practically no egg!
The benefits of eggs are thus: they fit into my budget at $1.67 for a dozen large eggs at Walmart, they are full of protein and other good nutrients, and they keep me full and feeling satisfied longer than other less healthy foods. Furthermore, there are so many options for eating eggs! You can make omelets, boil, scramble or fry them, make an egg sandwich, put them in salad, or eat them with toast covered in cinnamon and truvia. Eggs are the best!

3. Lists

When I make lists, my life falls into place. Lists help me keep my life in order and, if you know Diabetics, you know that our whole life seems to be about creating order out of faulty pancreas-induced chaos. Keeping some kind of structure in my life has always been important to me, but since my diagnosis it has become more important that ever. I keep a planner with a list of daily things to do, monthly engagements, and goals. One of the first items that will go in my dorm is a white board and bulletin board to hang important things and make a list of important priorities. I keep a schedule - either on paper or in my head - of meal times, snack times, insulin/medication times, and of course, class times. I make lists of my favorite meals and snacks in order to feel as if I have more options to choose from when eating, such as:

Tomato Sandwiches

Eggs, of course!

Most any form of sandwich

Chocolate rice cakes. 60 calories and 12 carbs, and great with peanut butter or strawberry cream cheese!

Low Carb and in their own bag, so I don't overeat.

Peanut Butter and Bananas is healthy, delicious and filling. Haven't tried it with bread yet but I bet it'd make a great sandwich!

Only 100 calories and 21 carbs... Josh even agrees these are delicious, despite their being "healthy" foods.

4. The Subtle Art of Exercise 

I have gone through many exercise-healthy phases in my life both before and after being Diabetic, most notably when I used to run 10 laps around the track at the school behind my house every day all Summer long. Conversely I also go through phases of sluggishness when I do not wish to exercise at all. This Summer is one of these such sluggish phases, which has not gone unnoticed by my Blood Sugars. But I can't just be a couch potato all day, even with the insane heat outside as my cover-up excuse. Trips to Walmart, whether to grocery shop or just to gallivant and add items to Joshua and I's wishlists, is a great way to get out of the apartment and lower my blood sugar. Taking Coein the Beagle on walks to explore the area around Statesboro is another great way to fit in some exercise. Laundry, vacuuming, washing dishes, moving furniture and other household chores make the Diabetes Gods smile upon me. Swimming is both a great way to work on my tan and get exercise. So, even if I am not necessarily running on the treadmill, I can still manage to fit some activity in and keep my blood sugars in check.

Keeping a tab on my Diabetes can be tough during the lazy months of Summer. Hopefully, with practice and a list of good habits, I'll be able to succeed... and if not, well, no pressure. Summer's end is right around the corner. 

Taking Time To Stop and Smell The Insulin

"I'm hungry," Joshua leans over and tells me as we lounge on the couch watching television. It's 101 degrees outside and feels like 150, and it's all we can do to escape the heat by not going out into it at all. My stomach growls in agreeance as we sit and ponder our options. I get out my CalorieKing book to count carbs for all of the local food joints, reading out the options available to two poor college students. "Let's see... Arby's isn't too bad on carbs. A regular roast beef sandwich only has 37 carbs," I tell him. "Yeah, but I don't like that guy on the Arby's commericial!" I laugh. "Okay then. There's Sonic, Krystal, Moe's, Taco Bell... Chick Fil A... I add, hopefully - being a homeschooler for several years having rendered me a loyal Chick fil A addict for life. Joshua doesn't share my enthusiasm for Eat More Chikin. Instead he gasps the name of the one place even I hold above Chick Fil A: "Zaxby's!", he exclaims.

We arrive at Zaxby's during what was apparently the entire city of Statesboro's lunch hour; contrary to Orlando, there was only about one of each restaurant in the city, versus multiple ones on the same street as I was used to back home. Thus, the drive-thru and restaurant were packed. We were not deterred, though. We found parking for my truck in the back and weaved our way between drive thru cars to get inside. It smelled wonderful. I usually get the sweet and spicy buffalo wings but opted for a daring change by getting Teryaki buffalo wings instead, and a Diabetic-friendly unsweet tea. The thing that I love about Zaxby's is that, besides the awesome food, there is one fact that stands to make it even better: The buffalo chicken wings have only 8 carbs! In turn, I can indulge in my Zaxby-loving basically as often as I like as long as it is not Birthday Cake Milkshake season, which, alas, it is no longer.

Joshua nabs us a table and I excuse myself to the restroom to wash my hands and test my blood sugar. It is 115 despite my 30-carb, non-bolused for granola bar snack an hour and a half earlier and I smile happily. Zaxby's and great blood sugar? What more could I ask for!

I chug my unsweet iced tea with fervor and sidle over to the drink counter to refill. Our order is called, I grab a heap of napkins for my spill-prone self and a couple for Joshua, and sit down at the table. I eye the new chicken a little speculatively but decide it still looks delicious. The group of two people in front of us Joshua coincidentally recognizes because they often stop by the gas station where he works. Joshua and I are beginning to think that he knows practically everybody in Statesboro due to his job. So far he's met a locksmith who made me a spare key to the apartment, a nice College guy who invited us to the local Church in Statesboro, and several of the cops who frequent the 301 on dark Friday evenings (thus we know all of the speed traps in town). Joshua gets into a coversation with them while I "do my thing" -- My Diabetes thing, that is. I know that I don't necessarily have to bolus for my chicken due to its low carbs, but I decide to be good and give myself a unit to cover myself. By now I don't even think twice about pulling my insulin pen out of my purse and giving myself a shot. I am oblivious to onlookers and what they might think of me. Crack Hoe? No. Heroin addict? Guess again. Just your friendly neighborhood Diabetic, people. I give myself a shot in my arm and wince as it bleeds a little more than I'd like. "Ouch," I remark to Joshua. "It's left a bruise again." It hurt, but this wasn't too unexpected. If I ever bruise from my insulin shots, it's usually on my arm, where there is less fat than on the rest of my body. Yesterday, on the other hand, I accidentally gave myself an insulin shot too fast (despite Joshua's warning me) as I was in a hurry to grab my vanilla ice cream cone from the server at Sonic. Serves me right, I suppose. I now had an unsightly black bruise on my stomach to attest to my impatience. Luckily this bruise was only sore and a shade of lovely light blue; very difficult to notice even despite my failed attempts at tanning my pale, pale skin.

I swipe a french fry from Joshua's plate while he is distracted (I'm a grazer - he expects it by now) and dig into my chicken, which proves to be delicious. Joshua's friend remarks on my insulin shot and Joshua tells him I am Diabetic. Type 1, of course. I love having Joshua around to explain my situation for me when all I want to do is eat my food in peace... not talk about my frustrating illness. The man was very polite and earnest though, and I found that in his case I did not mind. We went on to discuss my troubles with Health Insurance and Medicaid. I also gave the websites of two places where you could buy college textbooks for really cheap to his friend, who was starting at Georgia Southern in the fall. The lady next to us, who worked at the hospital, chimed in about how difficult the health insurance companies could be. And then perhaps the icing on the cake was when an older man with greying hair came up to me. He said, "Excuse me, miss. I couldn't help - well, I couldn't help but notice you giving yourself an injection." I glance at my insulin pen, suddenly remembering how strange it must seem to other people, this glimpse of a world that most do not even ever pause to think about. A shy looking red haired girl comes up next to him. "Are you Diabetic?" He asks. I smile a little sadly and nod. "Type 1." He tells me, "My daughter was just diagnosed with Type 1. In April." I cannot help but mention that I, too, was diagnosed in April. "How old are you?" I inquire, and she tells me she is 13. "I'm 17," I say. "It came late for me," I remark, my eyes reflecting the tiniest fraction of pain. "Still on injections?" I ask her. She nods. I smile and say, "Me too. It's definitely not easy," I tell her, my eyes filled with respect for this young girl who fights with the same monsters and struggles of this disease that I do.

The father and his daughter leave, but I cannot help but feel comforted. She is one of the few Type 1's that I have ever met. I hate the fact that others must suffer with this disease, I really do. If my getting Diabetes has kept some other individual from getting the disease instead, then I will gladly bear this burden all of my life in their place.

But sometimes it's just simply so uplifting to stop and be reminded that in this lifelong fight I am not alone. And once more, in spite of the struggle it has become merely to remain alive each day, I am thankful.



* Note: Insulin smells disgusting, by the way. I highly recommend that you don't actually try and smell it.

If Having Diabetes Was Easy, Chuck Norris Could Handle It

Pinpricks.
Tears.
Needles.
Highs.
Lows.
Diabetes has become a part of me, taken a part of my life forever. And I can accept that.

But lately that hasn't been enough. Lately Diabetes has been... kicking my butt. The month of June was fantastic for me - near perfect control, excellent numbers, steady blood sugars, minimal highs and lows. July, however, has been a different story. Diabetes is different for everyone and my Diabetes has been acting particularly special, in the most retarded way possible.

It all started the weekend before July 4th when I started noticing a gradual string of swiftly raising blood sugars. 110... 120... 156... 250...
Stranger yet was the fact that I was regulating it with Military-like precision. I am probably the nerdiest individual with a faulty pancreas that you will ever meet. I literally carry my CalorieKing Nutrition Book around in my purse to count my carbs almost everywhere I go. I am not afraid to whip it out and start consulting it halfway into an order, despite the stares I often get from waiters and customers alike. If a particular restaurant's nutritional info isn't in my book, I'll research my meal choice online ahead of time based on how many carbs I find are in it. I make it a point to eat healthy food and shy away from items such as Birthday Cake milkshakes, Donuts by the dozen and those delicious Subway Cookies that used to completely nullify my attempts to eat right. I diligently give myself the right amount of insulin each day and before every meal, despite my obvious distaste for needles. I do my best to fit at least some amount of exercise in every day. And when my Blood Sugars hit the fan I went from checking my BG 5 times a day to about 10 times a day. I swam about an hour EVERY DAY. And yet it was as if all of my hard effort had no effect at all. Diabetes didn't care if I was playing the part of picture-perfect patient. Diabetes was still laughing in my face.

These strings of highs have continued for about 3 weeks. My average BG went from 87 to 133 during this time. Words can't describe how disappointed and frustrated I became with myself, and with my disease. I've already been there, done that with the whole Diabetes pity-party phase, but this was round 2 as I began to question the point of life, what I did to earn such apparent bad luck, the long haul of Diabetic living for the next 50 or so years, and whether or not survival was possible if I could hardly take 3 months of Diabetes. "I'M GONNA DIE BLIND WITH NO LEGS BEFORE I TURN FIFTY!" I wailed. I went from a hardcore Diabetes pwn-er to a volatile Diabetic basketcase. I continuously abused my Diabetes supplies by throwing them all over the carpeted floor to my hearts content. (I'm sorry, Meter. Can we still be friends?) At one point I started silently chugging a Yoo Hoo as Josh onlooked. With a serious face, I placed the drink down and said, "Take that, Diabetes," as we both started bursting out laughing.

It's frustrated me though. A common misconception for Diabetics is that treatment is a simple matter of giving insulin shots. Easy, right? But it's not a simple matter at all. Diabetes is a balancing act where you are towering hundreds of feet above the ground on a half-inch wide rope. The stakes are high - they are your life. And quite frankly I have never cared for high-stake games. These days I am just so tired. Tired with my body, tired with my disease, tired of my nagging thoughts. If my Diabetes would cut me some slack, and stop all these ups and downs, it wouldn't be so bad. But this past month has made me realize firsthand just how unpredictable Diabetes is. Just when you think you've got it down, you don't. There are numerous factors all working against you to make Diabetes management difficult, from fluctuating insulin sensitivity to different reactions to different foods, to different moods, times of day and times of the month. I am beginning to think that I will never understand this elusive, impossible disease. I hope that I am wrong.

College Countdown

As some of you know, last month was my Summer Orientation at Wesleyan College, which I start at this Fall. Move-in is August 20th and classes officially start the 24th. I know that I am bored now, but after a week into college once I become swamped in the bottomless depths of schoolwork I am positive that I will absolutely be regretting not choosing to discontinue the rest of my education and become a homeless person!

Uh... just kidding. Kinda.

It's true, I am not really looking forward to the actual schooling aspect of my College education. Don't get me wrong, College and school in general has never been a problem for me, but it IS nice to sleep in, work on my tan, spend the day on the couch watching Netflix movies, and take midnight swims in the pool. I will miss that for the next year. But I AM super excited to start at Wesleyan, as well! Orientation was amazing and I had a really good time. All of my fellow freshmen are absolutely incredible, and I love them all, even the ones I haven't met yet. (Go Golden Hearts!) All of the people there are so friendly and helpful and I know that they will help me to feel right at home once school starts. Going to an all-girls school may have its downs but it's pretty awesome in the fact that it's like having the most epic giant year-long slumber party complete with Michael Jackson karaoke, tie dye, and endless amounts of junk food which I can only stare at longingly. I'm looking forward to living on campus, decorating my dorm room, experiencing new things, and being an actual college student... not just a misplaced High School kid!

Some pics from Wesleyan Summer Orientation --- Tie-Dye night!

Lunch with all of the wonderful girls in my Orientation Group!

As I chose my schedule for the semester I was however very glad of my decision to have dual enrolled and got my AA. While all the requirements for my Biology Major at Wesleyan will put me at about 3 years there, I am so thankful to have had the opportunity to have completed nearly all of my core classes and avoided having to take WISE, the yearlong freshman orientation.

My classes for this semester include Organic Chemistry (pray for me), Sculpture (excited to get the chance to channel my inner Michelangelo), 3D Design (a "fluff" class to get me all the credits I need for the semester), Spanish 101.02 (To satisfy foreign language requirements... but I have a feeling I'll still be rather No Habla Espanol) and a semester long transition seminar in lieu of having to take WISE. I am a little frustrated that I can't dive right into my science classes, but next semester I'll be taking a lot more of them and those pricey textbooks are likely to make me tire of them real quickly.

As for the textbook situation *cries* - I miss free books - I rented my two textbooks for the semester at www.Chegg.com for $184. Pricey still, but I'm only using these books for one semester and it beats spending $500 for the same material.

Dorm supplies so far include an egg crate mattress pad, desk lamp, laundry hamper, shower caddy, shoe hanger, closet organizers, minifridge, and really cute storage. If you have any more suggestions as to what I should put on that list, please, share with me!

Looking forward to College with eager anticipation whilst mourning the last month of Summer...

This Weekend Brought To You By ... Caffeine

Hi everyone! I'd like you all to just assume that I posted this immediately after the Fourth instead of two weeks late. Truthfully this post has been sitting in my draft box for precisely that amount of time but I just haven't had the brain power to sit down and fully apply myself to writing. So with this brief intro, I continue into what my post would have been like if I had actually posted it on time:

Happy belated 4th of July, all! I hope that everyone reading this (as well as the ones that don't) had a fantastic day and weekend. Josh and I headed back to Forsyth, GA (about 20 miles North of Macon) to see the family for 4th of July. What a crazy trip! Josh works across the street from his apartment complex and has the strangest hours. His shift Saturday was from 6pm to 2am. I didn't manage to get to sleep so while he was away at work I cleaned and packed everything (all while taking advantage of Netflix for all it's worth... and conversely not being nearly as productive as I could be). After Joshua returned we watched another movie, finished loading up the truck, and headed off to Forsyth bright and early at 5am, fresh coffee sitting in the cup holder. I was honestly surprised I was still awake. Anyone that knows me well can vouch that I am not a morning person and that I do not function well without a decent night's sleep.

The trip from Statesboro to Forsyth on I-16 is incredibly boring. I-16 drives through such the middle of nowhere that you don't even see any cows. Just fields... and trees... and flat land. Exits with one run-down gas station at them. Thankfully, though, Joshua keeping me company in the car made the 2 hour trip go by so much faster, even if the FM transmitter for the iPod was being a butt and deciding not to work. Coein, Joshua's beagle, also decided that he wanted to drive halfway through the trip. He forgot that he was not invisible as he attempted to crawl into my lap and see over the steering wheel. We did finally make it to Forsyth in one piece at around 7:10 am, where I grabbed more coffee from the coffee pot and was informed that we would be attending church that morning at 10am. No rest for the weary...

I hopped in the shower to rinse off and wake myself up, and slipped on a clean white dress. Thank goodness for foundation to cover up the circles that must have lurked under my eyes! I spent so much time getting ready though that I went running to the kitchen right before we left, and remembered, "Oh hey, I'm Diabetic." I tested my BG and find that it was at 69 and falling. I threw some cereal into a measuring cup and, from there, into the bowl and poured in some milk. Breaking the record for "fastest time to ever inhale cereal" I was finally ready to go and hopped into the car with everyone else, a can of Diet Coke in hand to tide me over and keep my eyes open.

The Church we were going to was called Rock Springs Church and was located in Jackson, GA, about 20 miles up I-75 and through a great deal of corn fields. As we neared the Church, we were greeted by a sign that read "Rock Springs Church: The Perfect Place for People Who Aren't." When we arrived, Jake and I were grouped into the college study group and Marleigh into the High School group. Not wanting Marleigh to have to be alone, however, we recruited her and all made our way into study. All of us ended up feeling very young. The youngest people there in the "college group" seemed to be a married couple in their 30's. It hit me about 8 minutes in that I was exhausted. I hated to be so impolite - especially in Church and my first time there as a guest, for that matter - but try as I could, I could not keep my eyes open as I sat there, unable to remain awake. I spent the next hour drifting in and out of sleep and woke with a final start when study group was over. Flashing an apologetic look at our study group leader, we made our way out the door and into worship service in the main hall. 

Rock Springs Church was amazing. (More on it in a further post.)

After Church we planned to go back to Forsyth and grill hamburgers. However, Laurie "Mamabird", Josh's mom, got a call from a friend who invited us to come down to her cabin in Juliette, Ga, for hamburgers and a swim in the Ocmulgee River. 

What a surprise we had waiting for us! 

We arrived at a huge multistory cabin on the banks of the Ocmulgee River and Juliette Falls. Brandy, Laurie's friend who invited us over, led us on a trek down to the falls to see the incredible view. The water was full of visitors fishing, swimming, and just enjoying the sights. 

It was a hot day and we couldn't wait to get into the water. The hot trek through the sun was making me low, though, and after touring the falls, we filed back to the cabin and had lunch. Pepper bacon, hamburgers, sausage, chicken, green beans and watermelon awaited us. We took our watermelon outside to enjoy on the porch as we gazed at the river. Stomachs full, we changed into our bathing suits and trodded across the yard down to the river bank. Down a pair of rickety metal steps, we descended down to the water and cast off our shoes on a sandy outcropping. I dipped my foot in the water and sighed. "Oh, it feels so good!" I exclaimed. I grabbed the rope and eased myself into the current. We spent the next couple of hours swimming in the river, climbing over rocks, and digging our toes in the sand. I even found an old tooth that belonged to some animal - it looked like a shark tooth to me!

A couple hours in and I was doing pretty okay. All of the activity had chased my tiredness away. Marleigh and I climbed back up to the cabin for more hamburgers, swimming having given us a huge appetite. Soon everyone came back inside as grey clouds rolled in, thunder boomed, and the wind picked up. We talked and lounged as the rain pattered down and soon it was time to leave. I got progressively more exhausted. Laurie, Joshua, Marleigh and I decided to go over to Marleigh and Josh's Aunt Tonya's house near Jackson, GA. A little unsure of the way, we drove down rural quiet roads until we finally made it to the house, stopping at a gas station on the way to pick up some Diet Coke AKA caffeine.

We spent a few hours at Tonya's. We talked out on the back porch, and all the girls painted their nails. I downed two cups of coffee. Finally though, the caffeine could only do so much. I'd have had to start chugging Monsters by the six pack just to maintain coherency for much longer. I begged utter and complete exhaustion and we left for home. On the way back, we saw fireworks exploding in bursts of beautiful color in the night sky over the tree tops. It was quite a sight on those quiet country roads, the fireworks soaring towards the sky to join the stars. I recollected all the times I had seen the incredible and expensive firework shows at Disney but somehow, the quaint and stark beauty of these fireworks stood out as even more lovely to me. We parked the car and stopped on the side of the road to gaze at them, even though I protested at first because I was absolutely exhausted - up 36 hours and counting! I was very glad we stopped to see the fireworks but happy to get home quickly when they were over. Unfortunately, as my rotten luck would have it, home turned out to be farther away than we thought, afterwards, when we were stopped on the road by a police officer who told us that we had to sit and wait until all of the thousands of people at the baseball fields drove out of the field from seeing the fireworks. "Please..." I moaned as he left the car window and walked away. "Just take out your gun and shoot me right now, in the face." It was ridiculous. We waited close to 30 minutes, traffic completely backed up.

Finally, though, we made it home. I was grateful for the copious amounts of caffeine that I had downed for the last 36 hours in order to remain awake, but goodness! A bed had never felt so good. In fact, I don't think a floor could have felt much better. At that point, it didn't matter to me where I slept. I had the best night's sleep I'd had in a long time.

Hypothetical Wall-Kicking Session

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Warning: This blog is purely a rant.

Today is one of those days where I just want to kick and scream, cry, and throw something at the wall, all at the same time. Because today is one of those days where, no matter what it seems that I do, Diabetes has bested me.

This morning was perfectly fanfreakingtastic. I woke up with a Blood Glucose of 76 and was happy with where I was at. I've been eating cereal for the past few breakfast's, as opposed to my usual breakfast of eggs and toast. There are no eggs here, in Statesboro with Josh, hence eating the cereal. I should probably go get some but I am stubborn. So this continuous eating of cereal was probably my first mistake. Ever since getting Diabetes I have tried to stay away from eating cereal because I like to eat copious amounts of the stuff. I love cereal. And when you have Diabetes this is a problem. If you bolus for a certain amount of cereal, then you should only eat said amount of cereal. Eating more than Bolused-for amounts of cereal leads to higher-than-intended blood sugars. I tried giving myself 3 units of what Novolog I have left to cover me, however this usually leads to mid-afternoon lows and so I switched it back down to 2. However, 2 is usually too little, and what I really need to be giving myself is 2.5. However, my Novolog pen only does insulin in whole units. My new Humalog pen does half units, however, if you know how frustrating insurance companies can be (namely Government-owned ones) then you can sympathize with me when I say that by no means do you ever want to be wasteful because there's no way of saying how much crap you'll have to put up with before you can get your next prescription refill. So I'm doing my best to make do and use what I have in order to avoid having to deal with *shudder* CVS and their God-forsaken special people any sooner than I have to. What a mess.

I've found that Diabetes is usually a good indicator of what is and isn't good for you. Special K usually leaves my blood sugar reasonably happy if I bolus and eat accordingly. On the other hand Captain Crunch Crunch Berries usually turn my Diabetes into the equivalent of a PMS'ing Bipolar woman. You can guess which cereal I had this morning when I checked 4 hours later and my BG was at 157. Perhaps it may seem like I'm being too hard on myself, 157 isn't that bad after all, but I have enjoyed near-perfect Diabetes management for the past month and had managed to bring my BG average down to 87. Now I have watched as all my past month's work has been undone in the last week and a half after a string of respective highs has sent my BG springboarding back towards an average of 108. Thanks, Diabetes.

So Josh, his roommate who's name is coincidentally also Josh, and his girlfriend Kara and I go to a Mexican Restaurant (this word brought to you by spell check -- why can't I ever spell that word right??) today for lunch and in an attempt to be good I order the taco shell-less salad instead of a burrito and chips like everyone else. Another question - why is the most healthy item on the menu always one of the most expensive? I give myself one unit of Novolog to cover whatever carbs might be in the salad and to calm down my raging blood sugar and I feel really good for the rest of the afternoon. I check my blood sugar again at 6:30 and smile to see that it is at 82 - hurrah! I've done something right! Lunch was late today so I didn't really feel like having a whole other meal for dinner. I opt instead for a 19-carb ice cream bar and decide not to give myself any insulin, seeing as, being full, I'm not planning on eating for the rest of the night, and I'd end up going to bed lower than I'd like. 1.5 hours later I feel a little funny. My heartbeat is racing a bit, I feel kind of shaky... am I low? That would make absolutely no logical sense. I go to check my BG just in case.

187.

W.T.F?!
That can't be right. I wash my hands again.

150.
Come on, One Touch, what is your problem? What kind of excuse do you have to have for a margin of error like that?

I check again.
Error 5: Not enough blood on the test strip.
So much for not being wasteful.

Take 4.
177.

I end up feeling frustrated and defeated. I have no earthly clue what the hell my Blood Sugar really is, why I feel funny, and I do not  understand why a 19-carb ice cream bar that would usually have no negative effect on my Blood Sugar sent it skyrocketing over 100 points. I just want to collapse on the floor into a ball of self pity and cry.

Diabetes is a mystery to me. Sometimes my Diabetes behaves perfectly, responding to my careful treatment with respect and good behavior. And other times, despite my best attempts, I get days like this, where it seems that no matter what I try and do, I can do nothing right. I don't know why my Blood Sugar is acting so crazy lately. Is it because I am nearing the end of my honeymoon period and need to up my basal? Is it because is is nearing a month since I started using this pen of Novolog and the insulin has now lost its potency? Is it because it's that time of the month? Is it because Diabetes is a freaking lunatic? Are the Diabetes Gods looking down on me with a magnifying glass in the full sunlight and laughing loudly amongst themselves?

I do not understand.
I could be less hard on myself but I cannot afford to. I want to be one the few to live over 50 years with Diabetes, to experience no complications. It is a near impossible task, but if I am one of the few to have gotten Type 1 Diabetes, than why on Earth can't I be one of the few to live a long and healthy, complication-free life despite of it? But it is so much easier said than done. I have to up my efforts, have to prevent myself from slipping up. I do not want to go through days like this. I do not want these highs to happen. I realize they are sometimes unavoidable but why, how, when I am trying so hard? Diabetes control isn't rocket science. But sometimes I think that it's harder. There is no set formula to figuring out Diabetes, no tried and true way to manage it, that works for everyone. Like fingerprints, everyone's Diabetes is unique. And eating low carb can work but I want to live my life, too. I can't just live my whole life eating only salad and broccoli. What kind of a life is that? I want to enjoy food like I always used to, but it is so hard to find the balance when you have to continuously try harder to count carbs, stay on top of your swinging basal rates, emotionally manage the stress of all the bad days. Watch out, Diabetes. If I have to deal with another week of this, first thing I'm doing post-Fourth of July is going to the store, buying myself a nice food scale, and counting my carbs like it's nobody's business.

I hate Diabetes.
The feeling appears to be mutual.