Found this survey somewhere in the wide-world of Diabetes-Blogging, and decided, hey, I'll give it a shot! (Err, no pun intended.)
30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know
1. The illness I live with is: Type 1 Diabetes
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 2011.
3. But I had symptoms since: A month before my diagnosis. I was always drinking water, having to use the restroom at least once every hour, getting stomach pains, and losing weight. Finally, I got sick and thought I had the flu. I was throwing up and couldn't keep down and food or liquids. My legs were bruising and I was so week that I passed out on the floor. I remember the world spinning above me and when I woke up, I was in the ER.
4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: Saying goodbye to a care-free life.
5. Most people assume: That I will get used to giving insulin shots everyday and that I cannot eat sugar.
6. The hardest part about mornings are: Remembering to take my shower before giving my insulin shot so that I don't get hypoglycemic.
7. My favorite medical TV show is: Mystery ER
8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: my cell phone. (Well, I could live without if I had to, but it definitely makes life better). Communicating keeps me from going crazy!
9. The hardest part about nights are: waking up low, over-treating with carbs, then going high.
10. Each day I take __ pills & vitamins. I take a vitamin once a day, sometimes. However I also treat myself with insulin shots before meals and before bed.
11. Regarding alternative treatments I: Am not interested in using an insulin pump, at least at this point.
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: I'm not sure if I could answer that, but either way, whether an illness is visible or invisible; it sucks. It's as simple as that.
13. Regarding working and career: I need to get a good job in order to get Health Insurance someday. And I want that good job to be something that I love doing.
14. People would be surprised to know: that I still like to drink milkshakes as often as I can.
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: that Diabetes is forever, and unless there is a cure, I will never get well.
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: Drink a milkshake and have well-behaved blood sugars afterwards.
17. The commercials about my illness: I never noticed until I actually got Diagnosed with Diabetes.
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: Eating food, no strings attached.
19. It was really hard to have to give up: Sweet tea.
20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: Crocheting cozies for my insulin pens.
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: Be endlessly thankful and eat a crapload of unhealthy food.
22. My illness has taught me: Years' worth of life in only these two months alone. I'm not perfect, I'm dependent on God, that my friends have my back, to never take things for granted, to appreciate my life.
23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: "5 insulin shots a day? Oh, but you'll get used to it."
24. But I love it when people: Simply treat me like a normal person. No Diabetes Police, no personal medical advice, no pity; just talk to me.
25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: I have so many of them. One of them is, "Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: Never stop finding joy in life. And also give them a great big hug.
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: All of the support I receive from others just like me, who are living with this illness. And also from the ones who aren't.
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: Visit me in the hospital and talk to me.
29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: (I just wanted to do this survey.)
30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: That I hope you take away something from it.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Mayhem in May
I'm not sure who all actually reads this blog, but if you do, I apologize for not being on here for a while! I just returned from my Georgia trip on Sunday and between Endocrinologist appointments, planning my grad party next week (and all that entails), college dorm shopping, and packing for the move, I've got my hands pretty full.
I had a great time visiting friends, my Georgia-family, and Josh. I'll make sure to re-cap for you in one of my next posts, but for now my life is centering around my upcoming move to Georgia. I've been slowly chipping away at my mountains of stuff for the past two years, and these past six months I've done the bulk of the work. But none of the prior preparations could ready me for the task at hand that faces me now. Two years ago I had the luxury of going through my stuff, sorting it, and putting the stuff I didn't want to part with in a box in the garage. Out of sight, out of mind. I could also put the work off for later if I didn't feel like it at the time. But now I have to go through everything. No more putting it off. I am faced with the task of not only sorting through the rest of my stuff; which is hard enough, but going through all of those other boxes and deciding if what I really thought I needed is something that I actually need... and most of it isn't. Some of the work is annoying because of how long it takes to sort through and clean, some of it fun because I discover stories or letters from ten years ago, and some of it is heart-wrenching, because every item I have ever kept, I kept because it had some sort of special meaning to me - and now I simply cannot keep it all. So, armed with dozens of trash bags, I have raided my closet, thrown out more old clothes, completely emptied my dressers, stripped away the layers of papers on my bulletin board, cleaned out my desk, and chosen which items to put into my hope chest - basically a collection of old dresses, photographs, and the most special of mementos that is my special project for "someday", whenever and whatever that may be.
I know that I'm making progress, but I just have so much stuff! I have to get rid of so much, of course, because there isn't very much room in a college dorm. But there are some things I'm unsure of what to do with - such as my spark plugs and a back brace - that seem to fit into no particular category. I don't need them in College, they're certainly not keepsakes, but they're a bit pricey and it is very possible that I may need them in the future, so what to do I do with them?
This is not just a move-away-to-college-move. This is a legitimate move. For all terms and purposes, moving away for good. I will no longer be visiting home much. Of course I'll come back to visit Florida to see my wonderful friends, father, mother, siblings and all others not included in that list. But I don't intend to move back to Florida, and so I suppose my dilemma is psychological. I want to tie up my loose ends now, and part of that is looking at my stuff and saying, "Okay, either you are going to keep this and use it or you are going to get rid of it." No in-between, no stuffing stuff away in a box because I simply don't want to part with it. I don't want to move and know that I have all of this stuff just sitting in a box in Florida.
All that might seem very extreme, but as hard as it may be, it's quite refreshing, really. I'm a natural pack rat, but this new influx of minimalism makes me feel lighter, less weighed down. More than simply not wanting a whole bunch of boxes of stuff left behind is that I want to narrow my stuff down simply to what serves a purpose; I want to have the things I need, and no more.
Now back to the demolition zone...
I had a great time visiting friends, my Georgia-family, and Josh. I'll make sure to re-cap for you in one of my next posts, but for now my life is centering around my upcoming move to Georgia. I've been slowly chipping away at my mountains of stuff for the past two years, and these past six months I've done the bulk of the work. But none of the prior preparations could ready me for the task at hand that faces me now. Two years ago I had the luxury of going through my stuff, sorting it, and putting the stuff I didn't want to part with in a box in the garage. Out of sight, out of mind. I could also put the work off for later if I didn't feel like it at the time. But now I have to go through everything. No more putting it off. I am faced with the task of not only sorting through the rest of my stuff; which is hard enough, but going through all of those other boxes and deciding if what I really thought I needed is something that I actually need... and most of it isn't. Some of the work is annoying because of how long it takes to sort through and clean, some of it fun because I discover stories or letters from ten years ago, and some of it is heart-wrenching, because every item I have ever kept, I kept because it had some sort of special meaning to me - and now I simply cannot keep it all. So, armed with dozens of trash bags, I have raided my closet, thrown out more old clothes, completely emptied my dressers, stripped away the layers of papers on my bulletin board, cleaned out my desk, and chosen which items to put into my hope chest - basically a collection of old dresses, photographs, and the most special of mementos that is my special project for "someday", whenever and whatever that may be.
I know that I'm making progress, but I just have so much stuff! I have to get rid of so much, of course, because there isn't very much room in a college dorm. But there are some things I'm unsure of what to do with - such as my spark plugs and a back brace - that seem to fit into no particular category. I don't need them in College, they're certainly not keepsakes, but they're a bit pricey and it is very possible that I may need them in the future, so what to do I do with them?
This is not just a move-away-to-college-move. This is a legitimate move. For all terms and purposes, moving away for good. I will no longer be visiting home much. Of course I'll come back to visit Florida to see my wonderful friends, father, mother, siblings and all others not included in that list. But I don't intend to move back to Florida, and so I suppose my dilemma is psychological. I want to tie up my loose ends now, and part of that is looking at my stuff and saying, "Okay, either you are going to keep this and use it or you are going to get rid of it." No in-between, no stuffing stuff away in a box because I simply don't want to part with it. I don't want to move and know that I have all of this stuff just sitting in a box in Florida.
All that might seem very extreme, but as hard as it may be, it's quite refreshing, really. I'm a natural pack rat, but this new influx of minimalism makes me feel lighter, less weighed down. More than simply not wanting a whole bunch of boxes of stuff left behind is that I want to narrow my stuff down simply to what serves a purpose; I want to have the things I need, and no more.
Method of storage for College. I'm so excited!
Trying to fit as many things into as little a space as possible
The plus side of all my hard work: I found my favorite children's book. I thought I'd lost it!
Wish I could bring all of my books to college with me, too.
Friday, May 20, 2011
What We've Learned: D-Blog Week (Day 7)
Day 6 will come tomorrow (as it is a photo project) so for now I cheated and skipped over to Day 7.
"Click for the What we’ve learned-Sunday 5/15 Link List.
Last year, Wendy of Candy Hearts made a suggestion for this year. She commented “I think Day 7 should be a post about stuff we've learned from other blogs or the experience of coming together online...” Today, let’s do just that!! What have you learned from other blogs - either this week or since finding the D-OC? What has your experience of blogging the DBlog Week topics with other participants been like? What has finding the D-OC done for you? If you'd like, you can even look ahead and tell us what you think the future holds!"
---
Alone.
That's how it feels so much of the time.
But in spite of my trepidations, my exhaustion, my loneliness, I did emerge to find light at the end of the tunnel.
Every day is a constant struggle to stay in view of that light.
Strings of emotion, grief, wacked-out blood sugars, and shock threaten to overtake and overwhelm me.
But I have been helped along the way by a group of very amazing people - the Online Diabetic Community.
A silent bystander I might be, but somehow just reading the blogs, the experiences of other Type 1's just like me helps in an enormous way.
Just to know that I am not alone, that I am among millions who hope for a cure, that many others just like me face the same struggles and same frustrations on a day-to-day basis gives me strength to carry on.
These people provide some of the best sources for research for me because, unlike a textbook or a Doctor's orders, these people are real, living, breathing testaments to what living with Diabetes is like and what they do to cope with it. I've read about what it's like for people using insulin pumps, felt better about the fact that I'm not the only one who experiences the low-to-high-late-night-hypo-carb-fests, been encouraged to know that I'm not the only Diabetic who would like to have kids and that it is indeed possible. I've been inspired to continue writing my own blog after reading the blog's of other Diabetics. I've laughed at the funny experiences that I can relate to, heard different opinions on what's the most favored Glucometer Brand or Glucose Tabs, and sympathized with the struggles of living with a disease that will never go away.
And you know what? These people are incredible. Despite everything, they all keep living, and each and every one of them is amazing and unique and has a special reason for being here on Earth.
SO thankful to have found an invaluable source of help and inspiration from the Diabetic Community!
"Click for the What we’ve learned-Sunday 5/15 Link List.
Last year, Wendy of Candy Hearts made a suggestion for this year. She commented “I think Day 7 should be a post about stuff we've learned from other blogs or the experience of coming together online...” Today, let’s do just that!! What have you learned from other blogs - either this week or since finding the D-OC? What has your experience of blogging the DBlog Week topics with other participants been like? What has finding the D-OC done for you? If you'd like, you can even look ahead and tell us what you think the future holds!"
---
Alone.
That's how it feels so much of the time.
But in spite of my trepidations, my exhaustion, my loneliness, I did emerge to find light at the end of the tunnel.
Every day is a constant struggle to stay in view of that light.
Strings of emotion, grief, wacked-out blood sugars, and shock threaten to overtake and overwhelm me.
But I have been helped along the way by a group of very amazing people - the Online Diabetic Community.
A silent bystander I might be, but somehow just reading the blogs, the experiences of other Type 1's just like me helps in an enormous way.
Just to know that I am not alone, that I am among millions who hope for a cure, that many others just like me face the same struggles and same frustrations on a day-to-day basis gives me strength to carry on.
These people provide some of the best sources for research for me because, unlike a textbook or a Doctor's orders, these people are real, living, breathing testaments to what living with Diabetes is like and what they do to cope with it. I've read about what it's like for people using insulin pumps, felt better about the fact that I'm not the only one who experiences the low-to-high-late-night-hypo-carb-fests, been encouraged to know that I'm not the only Diabetic who would like to have kids and that it is indeed possible. I've been inspired to continue writing my own blog after reading the blog's of other Diabetics. I've laughed at the funny experiences that I can relate to, heard different opinions on what's the most favored Glucometer Brand or Glucose Tabs, and sympathized with the struggles of living with a disease that will never go away.
And you know what? These people are incredible. Despite everything, they all keep living, and each and every one of them is amazing and unique and has a special reason for being here on Earth.
SO thankful to have found an invaluable source of help and inspiration from the Diabetic Community!
Awesome Things: D-Blog Week (Day 5)
Click for the Awesome things-Friday 5/13 Link List.
In February the #dsma blog carnival challenged us to write about the most awesome thing we’d done DESPITE diabetes. Today let’s put a twist on that topic and focus on the good things diabetes has brought us. What awesome thing have you (or your child) done BECAUSE of diabetes? After all, like my blog header says, life with diabetes isn’t all bad!
---
Greetings all. Before I share with you some of the good things that Diabetes has brought me (which, despite the negative post below, it has), I wanted to share a recent experience with you that was really a triumphant moment for my Diabetic self. It is so awesome that I managed to do it despite Diabetes, and so I just couldn't keep the accomplishment to myself. Without further ado, here it is.
Friends, family, random readers:
I had a milkshake.
The story is this:
Last Summer Josh and I made perhaps the most brilliant discovery known to food-loving man.
In February the #dsma blog carnival challenged us to write about the most awesome thing we’d done DESPITE diabetes. Today let’s put a twist on that topic and focus on the good things diabetes has brought us. What awesome thing have you (or your child) done BECAUSE of diabetes? After all, like my blog header says, life with diabetes isn’t all bad!
---
Greetings all. Before I share with you some of the good things that Diabetes has brought me (which, despite the negative post below, it has), I wanted to share a recent experience with you that was really a triumphant moment for my Diabetic self. It is so awesome that I managed to do it despite Diabetes, and so I just couldn't keep the accomplishment to myself. Without further ado, here it is.
Friends, family, random readers:
I had a milkshake.
The story is this:
Last Summer Josh and I made perhaps the most brilliant discovery known to food-loving man.
Zaxby's Birthday Cake Milkshake, perhaps better considered as Heaven in a cup.
I don't know what it is about that milkshake, but somewhere along the way ice cream, sprinkles and chocolate frosting whipped cream come together to form a beautiful blend of milkshakey-delicious bliss.
When Zaxby's stopped serving this limited edition milkshake, I was quite devastated. But this Spring I found the pleasant surprise that they had brought it back... my milkshake was back! Literally THE week I got diagnosed, I was going to go get one but decided, "No, I can always get it another time."
Biggest regret of my life.
And hence began my mini-obsession with milkshakes (second to my Slurpee obsession, of course.)
So after my diagnoses, wracked with regret, I started seriously craving milkshakes. And it was Zaxby's milkshake that I had been coveting and salivating over most particularly.
Unfortunately there was just one little problem... the nutritional facts weren't in my favor.
At a whopping 860 calories and 111 carbs, my hopes for ever enjoying the Birthday Cake Milkshake again? Very null, seeing as I have known people to describe it as "Diabetes in a cup."
But you know what? As unhealthy as it was, I didn't care. It was a milkshake, and I wanted it!
I was prepared to tempt fate to get it.
I spent a couple of days mulling it over.
Should I eat it? No... too risky... that would be tempting fate. But it is so good! Certainly only a little wouldn't hurt? But who am I kidding, a little? What kind of person orders a milkshake with the intention - not to mention the willpower - to only drink a quarter of it? And what is life without milkshakes, anyways? I can't spend my whole life fearing milkshakes. I had to take a chance, risk it at least just this once, while my pancreas still created what little bit of insulin it had left.
Decisions, decisions...
I was prepared to tempt fate to get it.
I spent a couple of days mulling it over.
Should I eat it? No... too risky... that would be tempting fate. But it is so good! Certainly only a little wouldn't hurt? But who am I kidding, a little? What kind of person orders a milkshake with the intention - not to mention the willpower - to only drink a quarter of it? And what is life without milkshakes, anyways? I can't spend my whole life fearing milkshakes. I had to take a chance, risk it at least just this once, while my pancreas still created what little bit of insulin it had left.
Decisions, decisions...
In the end I decided I would get it.
Monday I coined as "Milkshake Day". I spent the majority of it walking around in a happy cloud of anticipation over the thought of actually getting my milkshake. I will admit, I was a little nervous. I felt a bit guilty. My blood sugar was probably going to suffer. I was seriously asking for it.
But when I had my milkshake in hand and took a sip after carefully dosing out enough insulin to cover it (and hoping for once that my math was right), it was instantly clear to me that it was all worth it. No, I didn't want my blood sugars to skyrocket, but I felt like I was truly living again! Truly enjoying food, without the constrictions or the guilt!
Probably the second best thing was that my blood sugars remained brilliant despite the mass amounts of sugar. Testing 2 hours later gave me a BG of 144, a little high but considering the circumstances, absolutely awesome. Will I be doing this again? Certainly, but it is nice to save it for special occasions.
Best milkshake I have ever had.
---
And while I would love to spend the rest of this post bragging about my amazing accomplishment of chowing down on food that even non-diabetics probably shouldn't be eating, I'll now switch over to a more serious note.
I'm sorry everyone, if I seem to complain overly much about Diabetes. But truth is, while it sucks, when something like that happens to you you really have no other choice but to take it in stride and learn to live with it like everything else. Because, y'know, life happens. My life may not be perfect, and who am I kidding? It's not even close. But this is the only life I have, the only chance I get to spend the short amount of time on Earth that I have been given. And to be honest, while Diabetes has given me a whole load of bad things to deal with, there's a spoonful of sugar in every one of those bad things.
Diabetes gives me lots of interesting things to blog about. It inspires me to eat healthy, exercise and take care of myself more than ever before - not just for my the size of my body, but so that I will live long and hopefully complication-free. Diabetes has introduced me to a wonderful online community of loving, understanding people just like me, whose support, advice and testimonies help me to become a stronger person despite this chronic disease. It fills me with excitement at the prospect of being able to meet other Type 1's like me, to see how they live life and cope with Diabetes. I eagerly anticipate the future and all of the new, exciting adventures that Diabetes will allow me to experience - both the good and the bad, which together make life such a wonderful thing to live. Diabetes has strengthened my relationship with God in a crash course that made my re-realize yet again how dependent I am upon him. I know that I am safe and protected because I am God's and that he has a very special plan made just for me. I'm so excited to find out what that plan is! Diabetes has helped me to better relate to people, to sympathize with their sufferings and truly listen to others. Diabetes has granted me better patience, courage and strength. Diabetes has taught me to never take even the most simple things for granted, whether something as simple as a milkshake or as precious as the breaths that I take and the heart that, despite the odds of living with a dangerous chronic disease, continues to beat within my chest. I've learned to slow down, take things in stride, live in the moment and simply be thankful that I am alive and healthy today. Come what may, this is me now, and I can't spend every waking moment worrying about all the bad things the future may hold.
My Father once told me that happiness is not contingent upon what happens to you in life, but on what your outlook towards what happens to you is. Happiness is a choice; you can't control life and all that it throws at you, but what you can control is how you choose to deal with it. I made the choice then to have a positive outlook on life. Of course I am human, and I have my moments where I just want to shut the world out, be alone and wallow in self pity and negativity. But in the end I always remember that for every bad thing, deep down there is still something to be positive about, you just have to find it, hold onto it, and never forget it. Diabetes has its negatives, but more importantly, it has its positives, too. And it is the positives that I have chosen to embrace.
But when I had my milkshake in hand and took a sip after carefully dosing out enough insulin to cover it (and hoping for once that my math was right), it was instantly clear to me that it was all worth it. No, I didn't want my blood sugars to skyrocket, but I felt like I was truly living again! Truly enjoying food, without the constrictions or the guilt!
Probably the second best thing was that my blood sugars remained brilliant despite the mass amounts of sugar. Testing 2 hours later gave me a BG of 144, a little high but considering the circumstances, absolutely awesome. Will I be doing this again? Certainly, but it is nice to save it for special occasions.
Best milkshake I have ever had.
---
And while I would love to spend the rest of this post bragging about my amazing accomplishment of chowing down on food that even non-diabetics probably shouldn't be eating, I'll now switch over to a more serious note.
I'm sorry everyone, if I seem to complain overly much about Diabetes. But truth is, while it sucks, when something like that happens to you you really have no other choice but to take it in stride and learn to live with it like everything else. Because, y'know, life happens. My life may not be perfect, and who am I kidding? It's not even close. But this is the only life I have, the only chance I get to spend the short amount of time on Earth that I have been given. And to be honest, while Diabetes has given me a whole load of bad things to deal with, there's a spoonful of sugar in every one of those bad things.
Diabetes gives me lots of interesting things to blog about. It inspires me to eat healthy, exercise and take care of myself more than ever before - not just for my the size of my body, but so that I will live long and hopefully complication-free. Diabetes has introduced me to a wonderful online community of loving, understanding people just like me, whose support, advice and testimonies help me to become a stronger person despite this chronic disease. It fills me with excitement at the prospect of being able to meet other Type 1's like me, to see how they live life and cope with Diabetes. I eagerly anticipate the future and all of the new, exciting adventures that Diabetes will allow me to experience - both the good and the bad, which together make life such a wonderful thing to live. Diabetes has strengthened my relationship with God in a crash course that made my re-realize yet again how dependent I am upon him. I know that I am safe and protected because I am God's and that he has a very special plan made just for me. I'm so excited to find out what that plan is! Diabetes has helped me to better relate to people, to sympathize with their sufferings and truly listen to others. Diabetes has granted me better patience, courage and strength. Diabetes has taught me to never take even the most simple things for granted, whether something as simple as a milkshake or as precious as the breaths that I take and the heart that, despite the odds of living with a dangerous chronic disease, continues to beat within my chest. I've learned to slow down, take things in stride, live in the moment and simply be thankful that I am alive and healthy today. Come what may, this is me now, and I can't spend every waking moment worrying about all the bad things the future may hold.
My Father once told me that happiness is not contingent upon what happens to you in life, but on what your outlook towards what happens to you is. Happiness is a choice; you can't control life and all that it throws at you, but what you can control is how you choose to deal with it. I made the choice then to have a positive outlook on life. Of course I am human, and I have my moments where I just want to shut the world out, be alone and wallow in self pity and negativity. But in the end I always remember that for every bad thing, deep down there is still something to be positive about, you just have to find it, hold onto it, and never forget it. Diabetes has its negatives, but more importantly, it has its positives, too. And it is the positives that I have chosen to embrace.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Ten Things I Hate About You, Diabetes: D-Blog Week (Day 4)
Click for the Ten things I hate about you, Diabetes-Thursday 5/12 Link List.
Having a positive attitude is important . . . but let’s face it, diabetes isn’t all sunshine and roses (or glitter and unicorns, for that matter). So today let’s vent by listing ten things about diabetes that we hate. Make them funny, make them sarcastic, make them serious, make them anything you want them to be!!
---
Diabetes sucks. No matter how much I manage to convince myself otherwise, that's just what it comes down to. And now, without further ado, here are ten things I hate about Diabetes.
1. Hypoglycemia ... Especially At Night
I hate the late-night Hypoglycemia. Waking up with my heart pounding in my ears, feeling shaky, drenched in cold sweat. The need for carbs, and carbs now. Getting my 15 grams worth of carbs and then ending up going on carb binges anyways, because it's so hard not to. The guilt I get afterwards and the subsequent roller coaster ride from low to high.
2. I Am Sick and Tired of Things Pricking Me!
Did I mention I hate needles? That they were my biggest fear? Irony really pulled a joke on me this time. Sometimes, I am just really not in the mood to prick myself in the butt with a needle. Or my stomach, my thigh, my arm, or my finger, for that matter. Can't I just have one needle-free day? No? Thanks for being so understanding, Diabetes. Way to be an insensitive jerk.
3. Ignorance
I hate all of the ignorant people I encounter. Okay, I'll be nice. It's not necessarily the people, but the ignorance itself. I know it sounds kind of hypocritical coming from me because before my diagnosis, I knew nothing about Diabetes, either. But I'm sorry, this just bugs the hell out of me. YES I can eat sugar, NO a candy bar won't kill me. But no, I cannot eat a whole mound of potatoes or apples or bananas because they're "healthy". If it has carbs, I have to watch how much of it I eat, and just about everything has carbs!
4. Annoying Statements
Don't even think of uttering the statement, "5 shots a day?! Oh, but you'll get used to it. At least you don't have cancer." That's a double whammy there. Let's get things straight. You never get "used" to sharp objects poking your skin. EVER. Put up with it? Yes. Used to it? No. Furthermore, no, I don't have cancer, but don't think that just because Diabetes isn't cancer that it is a walk in the park by any measure. Diabetes is a terrible and exhausting thing to live with, combined with the fact that there is no cure. Just because you can't see Diabetes on the outside doesn't mean that Diabetics don't have their struggles on an everyday basis. So please, I know you might mean well, but please stop making the situation worse by getting me seriously p.o.'ed.
5. Carb Cravings
It's pure psychology. Just knowing that I shouldn't have all of those carbs makes me want them even more. Not aiding in the situation is that Pre-Diabetes, I loved carbs, and I loved baking them. I was convinced that I could live off of bread in perfect happiness and I was renowned for my home made chocolate chip cookies. Carbs were the best! Yeah! And then I got this little thing called Diabetes... Now I miss drinking sweet iced tea more than I can imagine. Some of the foods I loved so much I didn't even realize had carbs, and now I hate to realize that more of them than I'd like have so damn many of them. Now, I hate that the only reason I want to eat an entire box of donuts is because I no longer can, and that whenever I go out to eat I am consigned to merely staring at the tantalizing bread basket instead of digging in. And don't even get me started on what I think about not being able to taste test all of that delicious cookie dough...
6. The Emotional Stress
Diabetes is very much an "inward" disease. You can't really see it on the outside, but it takes its toll on the inside - not just physically, but emotionally. I hate the nagging worry I get every time I leave the house without my insulin, even if only for a little while. I hate the worry about the future, the finances, my health. I hate that I'll feel perfectly at peace with having Diabetes one day and then 5 minutes later I'll get all emotional and want to cry my eyes out because of it. Or I'll lash out at the people around me because I'm angry, not at the people but at Diabetes itself. Or the fact that living with Diabetes is emotional hell and it's so hard to explain to people what it's like when there is no way that they can relate or even truly understand what it's like. I hate that I hate - not a typo - watching other people eat, carefree, and not be able to do the same. I shouldn't loathe people for being healthy and normal, but sometimes I just... do. They don't know how good they have it. I hate going to the grocery store and looking at all of the foods I can no longer, carefree, eat. Sure, I can eat those cookies on the shelf. One of them. And I can eat that candy bar. A quarter of it. It just plain depresses me. I hate how food, something I used to love and enjoy, has become a constant reminder of my illness and an inevitable source of sadness to me.
7. Being Judged
I hate how people judge me when they see me looking at my nutrition book, turning down food, drinking only diet sodas or loading my plate with vegetables instead of macaroni and white rice. This isn't a figure-conscious thing, my life depends on it. So get over yourselves.
8. Invisibility
Having Diabetes is like carrying around an invisible elephant on your shoulders. No matter how heavy of a burden it is, there will always be people who cannot understand how hard it is because they cannot see it. I hate that however much I may be suffering on the inside, that no one can see how much it sucks. How weak and helpless and shakily incapacitated I feel when I get lows. How I feel like crap whenever I get high or feel guilty because I did my math wrong and caused that high. No one can see that, any because of that, they think that "Diabetes isn't that bad". It sucks. It really really does.
9. The Diabetes Police... In My Head.
I hate the Diabetes Police in my head. It it the calculator that adds and re-adds all of the carbs in my meal before the food ever reaches my mouth. It is the mental reprimanding I receive every time I eat more of something than I should have, or could have picked a healthier option, or binged on carbs during a late-night hypo. It is the question of "Should you really eat that?" every time I look a bit too enviously at a plate of cookies or an all-you-can-eat buffet of dessert (those are the worst). No matter what it seems that the Diabetes Police is constantly after me, and I am its most-wanted criminal.
10. I Hate Diabetes
That's right. I hate Diabetes itself. I never asked for Diabetes, but it came in, unasked for and uninvited. Diabetes never takes a break, no matter how exhausted with the disease I may get. Diabetes never asks me how I'm feeling, doesn't bother to check and see if it's an opportune moment to have a low or if it's okay to get high and send my blood sugars skyrocketing through the roof like a bunch of Disney World fireworks. I hate what Diabetes does to me. The guilt, the emotion, the physical and mental toll it takes upon me everyday. The way it isolates me from others who, despite their good intentions, simply cannot fully understand what it's like. I hate how it makes me loathe myself, how it turns myself against me. My body is supposed to work for me, but instead it decided to attack an organ I didn't even know the function to and make it stop working.
So those are ten out of many of the things I hate about Diabetes. Sorry if that came out as very negative... but it sure felt good to get all of that out of my system. :)
Having a positive attitude is important . . . but let’s face it, diabetes isn’t all sunshine and roses (or glitter and unicorns, for that matter). So today let’s vent by listing ten things about diabetes that we hate. Make them funny, make them sarcastic, make them serious, make them anything you want them to be!!
---
Diabetes sucks. No matter how much I manage to convince myself otherwise, that's just what it comes down to. And now, without further ado, here are ten things I hate about Diabetes.
1. Hypoglycemia ... Especially At Night
I hate the late-night Hypoglycemia. Waking up with my heart pounding in my ears, feeling shaky, drenched in cold sweat. The need for carbs, and carbs now. Getting my 15 grams worth of carbs and then ending up going on carb binges anyways, because it's so hard not to. The guilt I get afterwards and the subsequent roller coaster ride from low to high.
2. I Am Sick and Tired of Things Pricking Me!
Did I mention I hate needles? That they were my biggest fear? Irony really pulled a joke on me this time. Sometimes, I am just really not in the mood to prick myself in the butt with a needle. Or my stomach, my thigh, my arm, or my finger, for that matter. Can't I just have one needle-free day? No? Thanks for being so understanding, Diabetes. Way to be an insensitive jerk.
3. Ignorance
I hate all of the ignorant people I encounter. Okay, I'll be nice. It's not necessarily the people, but the ignorance itself. I know it sounds kind of hypocritical coming from me because before my diagnosis, I knew nothing about Diabetes, either. But I'm sorry, this just bugs the hell out of me. YES I can eat sugar, NO a candy bar won't kill me. But no, I cannot eat a whole mound of potatoes or apples or bananas because they're "healthy". If it has carbs, I have to watch how much of it I eat, and just about everything has carbs!
4. Annoying Statements
Don't even think of uttering the statement, "5 shots a day?! Oh, but you'll get used to it. At least you don't have cancer." That's a double whammy there. Let's get things straight. You never get "used" to sharp objects poking your skin. EVER. Put up with it? Yes. Used to it? No. Furthermore, no, I don't have cancer, but don't think that just because Diabetes isn't cancer that it is a walk in the park by any measure. Diabetes is a terrible and exhausting thing to live with, combined with the fact that there is no cure. Just because you can't see Diabetes on the outside doesn't mean that Diabetics don't have their struggles on an everyday basis. So please, I know you might mean well, but please stop making the situation worse by getting me seriously p.o.'ed.
5. Carb Cravings
It's pure psychology. Just knowing that I shouldn't have all of those carbs makes me want them even more. Not aiding in the situation is that Pre-Diabetes, I loved carbs, and I loved baking them. I was convinced that I could live off of bread in perfect happiness and I was renowned for my home made chocolate chip cookies. Carbs were the best! Yeah! And then I got this little thing called Diabetes... Now I miss drinking sweet iced tea more than I can imagine. Some of the foods I loved so much I didn't even realize had carbs, and now I hate to realize that more of them than I'd like have so damn many of them. Now, I hate that the only reason I want to eat an entire box of donuts is because I no longer can, and that whenever I go out to eat I am consigned to merely staring at the tantalizing bread basket instead of digging in. And don't even get me started on what I think about not being able to taste test all of that delicious cookie dough...
6. The Emotional Stress
Diabetes is very much an "inward" disease. You can't really see it on the outside, but it takes its toll on the inside - not just physically, but emotionally. I hate the nagging worry I get every time I leave the house without my insulin, even if only for a little while. I hate the worry about the future, the finances, my health. I hate that I'll feel perfectly at peace with having Diabetes one day and then 5 minutes later I'll get all emotional and want to cry my eyes out because of it. Or I'll lash out at the people around me because I'm angry, not at the people but at Diabetes itself. Or the fact that living with Diabetes is emotional hell and it's so hard to explain to people what it's like when there is no way that they can relate or even truly understand what it's like. I hate that I hate - not a typo - watching other people eat, carefree, and not be able to do the same. I shouldn't loathe people for being healthy and normal, but sometimes I just... do. They don't know how good they have it. I hate going to the grocery store and looking at all of the foods I can no longer, carefree, eat. Sure, I can eat those cookies on the shelf. One of them. And I can eat that candy bar. A quarter of it. It just plain depresses me. I hate how food, something I used to love and enjoy, has become a constant reminder of my illness and an inevitable source of sadness to me.
7. Being Judged
I hate how people judge me when they see me looking at my nutrition book, turning down food, drinking only diet sodas or loading my plate with vegetables instead of macaroni and white rice. This isn't a figure-conscious thing, my life depends on it. So get over yourselves.
8. Invisibility
Having Diabetes is like carrying around an invisible elephant on your shoulders. No matter how heavy of a burden it is, there will always be people who cannot understand how hard it is because they cannot see it. I hate that however much I may be suffering on the inside, that no one can see how much it sucks. How weak and helpless and shakily incapacitated I feel when I get lows. How I feel like crap whenever I get high or feel guilty because I did my math wrong and caused that high. No one can see that, any because of that, they think that "Diabetes isn't that bad". It sucks. It really really does.
9. The Diabetes Police... In My Head.
I hate the Diabetes Police in my head. It it the calculator that adds and re-adds all of the carbs in my meal before the food ever reaches my mouth. It is the mental reprimanding I receive every time I eat more of something than I should have, or could have picked a healthier option, or binged on carbs during a late-night hypo. It is the question of "Should you really eat that?" every time I look a bit too enviously at a plate of cookies or an all-you-can-eat buffet of dessert (those are the worst). No matter what it seems that the Diabetes Police is constantly after me, and I am its most-wanted criminal.
10. I Hate Diabetes
That's right. I hate Diabetes itself. I never asked for Diabetes, but it came in, unasked for and uninvited. Diabetes never takes a break, no matter how exhausted with the disease I may get. Diabetes never asks me how I'm feeling, doesn't bother to check and see if it's an opportune moment to have a low or if it's okay to get high and send my blood sugars skyrocketing through the roof like a bunch of Disney World fireworks. I hate what Diabetes does to me. The guilt, the emotion, the physical and mental toll it takes upon me everyday. The way it isolates me from others who, despite their good intentions, simply cannot fully understand what it's like. I hate how it makes me loathe myself, how it turns myself against me. My body is supposed to work for me, but instead it decided to attack an organ I didn't even know the function to and make it stop working.
So those are ten out of many of the things I hate about Diabetes. Sorry if that came out as very negative... but it sure felt good to get all of that out of my system. :)
Diabetes Bloopers: D-Blog Week (Day 3)
Click for the Diabetes bloopers-Wednesday 5/11 Link List.
Whether you or your loved one are newly diagnosed or have been dealing with diabetes for a while, you probably realize that things can (and will) go wrong. But sometimes the things that go wrong aren’t stressful - instead sometimes they are downright funny! Go ahead and share your Diabetes Blooper - your “I can’t believe I did that" moment - your big “D-oh” - and let’s all have a good laugh together!!
---
Oh, come on. I'm perfect. Diabetes Bloopers? Yeah, right.
But, I mean, now that I think about it...
Perhaps I shouldn't have drank an entire Large-sized Coke Slurpie while going into Diabeticketoacidosis. I wish I had a picture of it, that thing was huge! Granted, I didn't know I was Diabetic, but nope, looking back, that probably didn't help.
My first night in the ER and I remember my Diabetic nurse explaining the concept of an insulin pump to me. I was pretty loopy, so naturally everything sounded funny. But I just remember envisioning this magic patch-thing you stuck to yourself, pressed some buttons and wha-bam, Diabetes fixed. Pssh. It turns our reality is far more disappointing. A needle with tape is a lot less high tech (not to mention creative) than my loopy self imagined.
Also my first night in the ER, I remember just about the only thing that came out of my mouth was, in my garbled voice, "mhhpgghh can I have a Coke Slurpee? Can you bring me a Coke Slurpee?" (mhhpgghh = improvisation for garbled loopy voice.) I asked my mom to bring me a Coke Slurpee in the morning. I asked my Dad to make sure my mom brought me a Coke Slurpee. I asked my nurse if I would be allowed to have a Coke Slurpee. I asked my Doctor if I could have a Coke Slurpee. I was obsessed. I was Coke Slurpee girl. Apparently, going into near coma was not enough to turn me off the things.
Getting hypoglycemic in the middle of work - dressed up as Cinderella and painting little kid's faces. "Cinderella, why are you eating that?" One of the little girls asks. "*Munch* Cinderella's fine. Her Fairy Godmother just forget to give her breakfast this morning."
Yesterday I started eating a mound of white rice only to realize halfway through that I had forgotten to give myself an insulin shot first. Yeah, oops.
Lesson learned from my imperfections? Diabetes may be a very serious thing, but finding humour from it can be just as important as taking the proper steps to take care of yourself.
Whether you or your loved one are newly diagnosed or have been dealing with diabetes for a while, you probably realize that things can (and will) go wrong. But sometimes the things that go wrong aren’t stressful - instead sometimes they are downright funny! Go ahead and share your Diabetes Blooper - your “I can’t believe I did that" moment - your big “D-oh” - and let’s all have a good laugh together!!
---
Oh, come on. I'm perfect. Diabetes Bloopers? Yeah, right.
But, I mean, now that I think about it...
Perhaps I shouldn't have drank an entire Large-sized Coke Slurpie while going into Diabeticketoacidosis. I wish I had a picture of it, that thing was huge! Granted, I didn't know I was Diabetic, but nope, looking back, that probably didn't help.
My first night in the ER and I remember my Diabetic nurse explaining the concept of an insulin pump to me. I was pretty loopy, so naturally everything sounded funny. But I just remember envisioning this magic patch-thing you stuck to yourself, pressed some buttons and wha-bam, Diabetes fixed. Pssh. It turns our reality is far more disappointing. A needle with tape is a lot less high tech (not to mention creative) than my loopy self imagined.
Also my first night in the ER, I remember just about the only thing that came out of my mouth was, in my garbled voice, "mhhpgghh can I have a Coke Slurpee? Can you bring me a Coke Slurpee?" (mhhpgghh = improvisation for garbled loopy voice.) I asked my mom to bring me a Coke Slurpee in the morning. I asked my Dad to make sure my mom brought me a Coke Slurpee. I asked my nurse if I would be allowed to have a Coke Slurpee. I asked my Doctor if I could have a Coke Slurpee. I was obsessed. I was Coke Slurpee girl. Apparently, going into near coma was not enough to turn me off the things.
Getting hypoglycemic in the middle of work - dressed up as Cinderella and painting little kid's faces. "Cinderella, why are you eating that?" One of the little girls asks. "*Munch* Cinderella's fine. Her Fairy Godmother just forget to give her breakfast this morning."
Yesterday I started eating a mound of white rice only to realize halfway through that I had forgotten to give myself an insulin shot first. Yeah, oops.
Lesson learned from my imperfections? Diabetes may be a very serious thing, but finding humour from it can be just as important as taking the proper steps to take care of yourself.
Letter Writing Day: D-Blog Week (Day 2)
On to post number two! The explanation is this:
"In February the Wego Blog Carnival asked participants to write letters to their condition. You can write a letter to diabetes if you’d like, but we can also take it one step further. How about writing a letter to a fictional (or not so fictional) endocrinologist telling the doctor what you love (or not) about them. How about a letter to a pretend (or again, not so pretend) meter or pump company telling them of the device of your dreams? Maybe you’d like to write a letter to your child with diabetes. Or a letter from your adult self to the d-child you were. Whomever you choose as a recipient, today is the day to tell them what you are feeling."
---
Dear Younger Me,
You never knew.
You never knew that you would grow up and be like this.
You had big dreams - a teacher, a journalist, an artist, an archeologist, the President of the United States.
Diabetes was never a part of that dream, it never had a place in the future that you had always envisioned. Whether a mere day, a week, a month, 10 years before Diagnosis - you could have never imagined what would happen to you.
If you had stopped and thought about where you would be now, as I am; ready to go to College and just graduated from highschool - your thoughts and this present reality would surely differ.
But unwanted, unasked for, completely unexpected, Diabetes made its way into our life.
Diabetes crept in, unannounced, and changed our life forever.
It invaded our thoughts, our hopes and dreams.
Now we will never be the same.
I salute you, younger me.
Many Type 1 Diabetics do not have the luxury of looking back and clearly remembering a time when they did not have Diabetes, when constant finger pricks and the smell of insulin were not a part of every day life, were not part of the thoughts that occupied our minds.
But I do.
And I will never forget you, younger me.
I will never forget what it was like.
I can never again take those days for granted.
The carefree days, the times you baked homemade chocolate chip cookies and happily taste-tested the cookie dough along the way.
When one or two extra cookies or slices of pizza never hurt or incurred guilt.
When my skin was unblemished, unmarked, unbruised by pinpricks and needles.
When highs and lows never plagued my life will their inopportune moments, always demanding my full attention, no matter the current situation.
When being healthy seemed like forever.
When financial issues never plagued my mind, with thoughts such as, "how am I going to afford insulin in College?"
I would give any thing to go back to those days, younger me.
I wish that I could be you again.
I no longer take your life for granted, but I worry that you did.
It wasn't your fault, you never knew.
You never expected this.
But if you could ever read this, younger me, please just know this.
Love every day of life you are given, never pass up doing something on the belief that you will be able to do it later. Be thankful for every moment that you have, trust in God, and make the best of all that you have been given.
I am so, so sorry that this is the future you have to look forward to. I wish that I could protect you from this, I would do anything in my power to. If only you did not have to shoulder this incredible burden. But all I can do is offer you these words.
Never lose hope. Life will go on. There are many things to worry about, and there always will be, but there isn't time nor reason to spend your days plagued by those bad thoughts. Life is too short. As long as you are still alive, so there is still reason to love life.
Life is an incredible gift, and you must go on living it no matter what, no matter how bad things may seem, until you take your final breath.
Finally, younger me, know that God loves you, and that he has a special plan for your life.
Know that I love you.
Someday, younger me, you will see that everything will be okay.
- Lacy.
"In February the Wego Blog Carnival asked participants to write letters to their condition. You can write a letter to diabetes if you’d like, but we can also take it one step further. How about writing a letter to a fictional (or not so fictional) endocrinologist telling the doctor what you love (or not) about them. How about a letter to a pretend (or again, not so pretend) meter or pump company telling them of the device of your dreams? Maybe you’d like to write a letter to your child with diabetes. Or a letter from your adult self to the d-child you were. Whomever you choose as a recipient, today is the day to tell them what you are feeling."
---
Dear Younger Me,
You never knew.
You never knew that you would grow up and be like this.
You had big dreams - a teacher, a journalist, an artist, an archeologist, the President of the United States.
Diabetes was never a part of that dream, it never had a place in the future that you had always envisioned. Whether a mere day, a week, a month, 10 years before Diagnosis - you could have never imagined what would happen to you.
If you had stopped and thought about where you would be now, as I am; ready to go to College and just graduated from highschool - your thoughts and this present reality would surely differ.
But unwanted, unasked for, completely unexpected, Diabetes made its way into our life.
Diabetes crept in, unannounced, and changed our life forever.
It invaded our thoughts, our hopes and dreams.
Now we will never be the same.
I salute you, younger me.
Many Type 1 Diabetics do not have the luxury of looking back and clearly remembering a time when they did not have Diabetes, when constant finger pricks and the smell of insulin were not a part of every day life, were not part of the thoughts that occupied our minds.
But I do.
And I will never forget you, younger me.
I will never forget what it was like.
I can never again take those days for granted.
The carefree days, the times you baked homemade chocolate chip cookies and happily taste-tested the cookie dough along the way.
When one or two extra cookies or slices of pizza never hurt or incurred guilt.
When my skin was unblemished, unmarked, unbruised by pinpricks and needles.
When highs and lows never plagued my life will their inopportune moments, always demanding my full attention, no matter the current situation.
When being healthy seemed like forever.
When financial issues never plagued my mind, with thoughts such as, "how am I going to afford insulin in College?"
I would give any thing to go back to those days, younger me.
I wish that I could be you again.
I no longer take your life for granted, but I worry that you did.
It wasn't your fault, you never knew.
You never expected this.
But if you could ever read this, younger me, please just know this.
Love every day of life you are given, never pass up doing something on the belief that you will be able to do it later. Be thankful for every moment that you have, trust in God, and make the best of all that you have been given.
I am so, so sorry that this is the future you have to look forward to. I wish that I could protect you from this, I would do anything in my power to. If only you did not have to shoulder this incredible burden. But all I can do is offer you these words.
Never lose hope. Life will go on. There are many things to worry about, and there always will be, but there isn't time nor reason to spend your days plagued by those bad thoughts. Life is too short. As long as you are still alive, so there is still reason to love life.
Life is an incredible gift, and you must go on living it no matter what, no matter how bad things may seem, until you take your final breath.
Finally, younger me, know that God loves you, and that he has a special plan for your life.
Know that I love you.
Someday, younger me, you will see that everything will be okay.
- Lacy.
Admiring Our Differences: D-Blog Week (Day 1)
Okay, I know that I am a week and a half late to post my blogs for Diabetes Blog Week, but I have been visiting Georgia and having a fantastic time so, well, life happens. :)
Here is the explanation for the first post:
Click for the Admiring our differences-Monday 5/9 Link List.
We are all diabetes bloggers, but we come from many different perspectives. Last year, Diabetes Blog Week opened my eyes to all of the different kinds of blogs (and bloggers) out there – Type 1s, Type 2s, LADAs, parents of kids with diabetes, spouses of adults with diabetes and so on. Today let’s talk about how great it is to learn from the perspectives of those unlike us! Have you learned new things from your T2 friends? Are D-Parents your heroes? Do LADA blogs give you insight to another diagnosis story? Do T1s who’ve lived well with diabetes since childhood give you hope? Pick a type of blogger who is different from you and tell us why they inspire you - why you admire them - why it’s great that we are all the same but different!!
---
My diagnosis has been so recent. It has hardly been a month since getting out of the hospital.
It's been hard.
I was in perfect health, I felt fine, I was athletic, I ate a good diet, I was 17.
Never, in all of my life, did I expect to find out I had Diabetes.
I will never forget those days I spent in the hospital.
The gross hospital turkey bacon, backpacks full of supplies from JDRF, the friends that came over to say hello, all the different nurses.
The tears when no one else was in the room.
One day I was at Senior Prom with my friends, the next, I was inches from death and then told that my life had forever changed.
I didn't really understand diabetes at first. I didn't understand that I was going to need insulin forever. I thought that the Doctor's were wrong, that they had diagnosed me improperly. I didn't know what having Diabetes meant for my schedule, my eating habits, my life.
And then I did begin to understand, as the week progressed. "She will have to take insulin for the rest of her life." The nurse clarified to my dad.
People began to tell me, "get well soon."
And I realized that I would never get well.
If it weren't for the support of my friends, my family, even my nurses, during this time, I don't know how I would have coped with it.
And so it is these people who inspire me.
My friends don't have Diabetes, my family has no history of Diabetes whatsoever. I do not know a single person except for one of my doctors and my dietitian who have Type 1 Diabetes. Out of all the Diabetics, only about 5% get Type 1. Can you believe that? What were my chances of getting Diabetes?
They were so slim it was crazy.
And yet I got it.
I am confident that in time God will make the purpose of my getting Diabetes apparent to me. With that I am sure. It has been so hard, it is an everyday struggle, but I know that surely there must be a reason. Is it to better relate to the world's suffering? Change the lives of other diabetics? Enable to better witness? Strengthen my own relationship with God, as I have become ever-so increasingly aware of my dependence on him? I don't know now, but I hope that someday, I will be able to look back and see.
Sometimes I get so worried, so distraught, but on the inside I do maintain peace, somehow I do always know that it's okay. Why do I fear? I ask to myself. God will take care of me. God controls all things. He will watch over me.
My relationship with God gives me the strength to keep on courageously living, despite the struggles of living life itself.
God inspires me.
So, it wasn't necessarily just one person or one group of people that inspired me on the trip from my diagnosis to learning to live with Diabetes. So many people in my life did little things that together impacted me in big ways. Their love and support was overwhelmingly wonderful.
My friends brought me gifts. They came by the hospital just to see me, to sit in my hospital bed with me, hold my hand, watch Mary Poppins and just give me company when I needed it. They were my shoulder to cry on. They left me kind words, or asked how I was doing, or came and visited me just to cheer me up. It made me want to be strong and conquer this Diabetes challenge for them; for my friends, my family, my boyfriend, for all the Diabetics out there. I wanted to be strong to show them that I could handle this. So that I could stay healthy and be around for a long time.
My Dad was always there, always loving, always caring, just as he had always done. He told me that even with Diabetes, I would not only survive, but I would thrive. I had my vision, I could feel, I had my arms and legs all connected to me. I had everything I needed to carry on living, and I would learn to get through this obstacle.
My mom was there, too, throughout everything. She was there in the hospital (hey - she took me to the hospital!), she hung out with me in the ER, she came over every morning even if she didn't necessarily have to, despite her busy schedule of managing her own business... a full-time job in itself. The last thing she needed was her kid getting Diabetes, which is like a full time job without pay. She didn't need the stress, the worry, the added financial strain, but never once has she complained about it. She's taken it in stride, like she always has. And that is so cool.
She was the one to give me insulin shots when I was too afraid to, when I couldn't get over the mental block of giving myself a shot. She was there for both of my first visits to the endocrinologist to learn about Diabetes right along side of me, even though it is not a disease we share. She puts up with my asking her to buy apples and diet coke every three days. She always reminds me to bring my insulin wherever I go, or to not forget to take my insulin shots (thank goodness for that!), and doesn't mind that when she asks how I am, I tell her what my blood sugar is. I was an emotional wreck but my mother's calm confidence assured me that while living with Diabetes was hard, living with Diabetes was possible. Where my friends, my boyfriend, my father and my collective community of Diabetes-Cheerleaders are the blueprints to my life, my mother is the person who brings everything together and makes it all happen. Thankyou, mom and dad!
My boyfriend, though far away, was worried and concerned. It really touched me to see how much he cared during that time. Joshua reminded me that in this struggle I was not alone, that he would always be there for me. Even though he may not have Diabetes, or know what it's like, I feel like he can understand. He's the one I went to - and go to - to speak my mind, to vent, to let him know how I'm feeling. He doesn't judge me or condemn me for sometimes feeling sad or still getting emotional because of my illness. He simply offers his love and support, encourages me to keep going, is still as good of a friend to me as ever. Joshua truly made learning to live with Diabetes possible, because no matter how messed up my life seemed to have become, ultimately I still had the joy of knowing that he was in my life. That alone made all the difference.
Everyone is so different. We all have our struggles, Diabetes or no. If I ever have a hard time remembering that, I stop and tell myself, everyone right now, at this very moment, is going through something that they find just as hard as I find having Type 1 Diabetes. Just because I have Diabetes doesn't make me the most unfortunate, miserable person on Earth. There are worse things that can happen, but they didn't. And though that fact is often overstated to me by others, for that I am thankful.
I admire every Diabetic out there, especially the ones whose blogs I have read. Most of them are older than me and have had Diabetes for much longer that I have. I love to hear about the way they cope with daily life, the sense of humor they have despite Diabetes, what their thoughts and takes on life are. I love to just remember that, looking past the Diabetes, they are - we are - normal people, too. All of us love many of the same things, like reading, friendship, walks outside or blogging. We do all of the same things that many other healthy people do. The Diabetes community, even if I have never met any of these people, reminds me that I am not alone; that I will never be alone in this struggle. That was a very important step for me to learn.
The moral of this post is basically that, Diabetes or not, so many people have touched my life, have made living with this latest struggle possible.
And for that I am endlessly grateful.
Here is the explanation for the first post:
Click for the Admiring our differences-Monday 5/9 Link List.
We are all diabetes bloggers, but we come from many different perspectives. Last year, Diabetes Blog Week opened my eyes to all of the different kinds of blogs (and bloggers) out there – Type 1s, Type 2s, LADAs, parents of kids with diabetes, spouses of adults with diabetes and so on. Today let’s talk about how great it is to learn from the perspectives of those unlike us! Have you learned new things from your T2 friends? Are D-Parents your heroes? Do LADA blogs give you insight to another diagnosis story? Do T1s who’ve lived well with diabetes since childhood give you hope? Pick a type of blogger who is different from you and tell us why they inspire you - why you admire them - why it’s great that we are all the same but different!!
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My diagnosis has been so recent. It has hardly been a month since getting out of the hospital.
It's been hard.
I was in perfect health, I felt fine, I was athletic, I ate a good diet, I was 17.
Never, in all of my life, did I expect to find out I had Diabetes.
I will never forget those days I spent in the hospital.
The gross hospital turkey bacon, backpacks full of supplies from JDRF, the friends that came over to say hello, all the different nurses.
The tears when no one else was in the room.
One day I was at Senior Prom with my friends, the next, I was inches from death and then told that my life had forever changed.
I didn't really understand diabetes at first. I didn't understand that I was going to need insulin forever. I thought that the Doctor's were wrong, that they had diagnosed me improperly. I didn't know what having Diabetes meant for my schedule, my eating habits, my life.
And then I did begin to understand, as the week progressed. "She will have to take insulin for the rest of her life." The nurse clarified to my dad.
People began to tell me, "get well soon."
And I realized that I would never get well.
If it weren't for the support of my friends, my family, even my nurses, during this time, I don't know how I would have coped with it.
And so it is these people who inspire me.
My friends don't have Diabetes, my family has no history of Diabetes whatsoever. I do not know a single person except for one of my doctors and my dietitian who have Type 1 Diabetes. Out of all the Diabetics, only about 5% get Type 1. Can you believe that? What were my chances of getting Diabetes?
They were so slim it was crazy.
And yet I got it.
I am confident that in time God will make the purpose of my getting Diabetes apparent to me. With that I am sure. It has been so hard, it is an everyday struggle, but I know that surely there must be a reason. Is it to better relate to the world's suffering? Change the lives of other diabetics? Enable to better witness? Strengthen my own relationship with God, as I have become ever-so increasingly aware of my dependence on him? I don't know now, but I hope that someday, I will be able to look back and see.
Sometimes I get so worried, so distraught, but on the inside I do maintain peace, somehow I do always know that it's okay. Why do I fear? I ask to myself. God will take care of me. God controls all things. He will watch over me.
My relationship with God gives me the strength to keep on courageously living, despite the struggles of living life itself.
God inspires me.
So, it wasn't necessarily just one person or one group of people that inspired me on the trip from my diagnosis to learning to live with Diabetes. So many people in my life did little things that together impacted me in big ways. Their love and support was overwhelmingly wonderful.
My friends brought me gifts. They came by the hospital just to see me, to sit in my hospital bed with me, hold my hand, watch Mary Poppins and just give me company when I needed it. They were my shoulder to cry on. They left me kind words, or asked how I was doing, or came and visited me just to cheer me up. It made me want to be strong and conquer this Diabetes challenge for them; for my friends, my family, my boyfriend, for all the Diabetics out there. I wanted to be strong to show them that I could handle this. So that I could stay healthy and be around for a long time.
My Dad was always there, always loving, always caring, just as he had always done. He told me that even with Diabetes, I would not only survive, but I would thrive. I had my vision, I could feel, I had my arms and legs all connected to me. I had everything I needed to carry on living, and I would learn to get through this obstacle.
My mom was there, too, throughout everything. She was there in the hospital (hey - she took me to the hospital!), she hung out with me in the ER, she came over every morning even if she didn't necessarily have to, despite her busy schedule of managing her own business... a full-time job in itself. The last thing she needed was her kid getting Diabetes, which is like a full time job without pay. She didn't need the stress, the worry, the added financial strain, but never once has she complained about it. She's taken it in stride, like she always has. And that is so cool.
She was the one to give me insulin shots when I was too afraid to, when I couldn't get over the mental block of giving myself a shot. She was there for both of my first visits to the endocrinologist to learn about Diabetes right along side of me, even though it is not a disease we share. She puts up with my asking her to buy apples and diet coke every three days. She always reminds me to bring my insulin wherever I go, or to not forget to take my insulin shots (thank goodness for that!), and doesn't mind that when she asks how I am, I tell her what my blood sugar is. I was an emotional wreck but my mother's calm confidence assured me that while living with Diabetes was hard, living with Diabetes was possible. Where my friends, my boyfriend, my father and my collective community of Diabetes-Cheerleaders are the blueprints to my life, my mother is the person who brings everything together and makes it all happen. Thankyou, mom and dad!
My boyfriend, though far away, was worried and concerned. It really touched me to see how much he cared during that time. Joshua reminded me that in this struggle I was not alone, that he would always be there for me. Even though he may not have Diabetes, or know what it's like, I feel like he can understand. He's the one I went to - and go to - to speak my mind, to vent, to let him know how I'm feeling. He doesn't judge me or condemn me for sometimes feeling sad or still getting emotional because of my illness. He simply offers his love and support, encourages me to keep going, is still as good of a friend to me as ever. Joshua truly made learning to live with Diabetes possible, because no matter how messed up my life seemed to have become, ultimately I still had the joy of knowing that he was in my life. That alone made all the difference.
Everyone is so different. We all have our struggles, Diabetes or no. If I ever have a hard time remembering that, I stop and tell myself, everyone right now, at this very moment, is going through something that they find just as hard as I find having Type 1 Diabetes. Just because I have Diabetes doesn't make me the most unfortunate, miserable person on Earth. There are worse things that can happen, but they didn't. And though that fact is often overstated to me by others, for that I am thankful.
I admire every Diabetic out there, especially the ones whose blogs I have read. Most of them are older than me and have had Diabetes for much longer that I have. I love to hear about the way they cope with daily life, the sense of humor they have despite Diabetes, what their thoughts and takes on life are. I love to just remember that, looking past the Diabetes, they are - we are - normal people, too. All of us love many of the same things, like reading, friendship, walks outside or blogging. We do all of the same things that many other healthy people do. The Diabetes community, even if I have never met any of these people, reminds me that I am not alone; that I will never be alone in this struggle. That was a very important step for me to learn.
The moral of this post is basically that, Diabetes or not, so many people have touched my life, have made living with this latest struggle possible.
And for that I am endlessly grateful.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Cinco de Countdown
The countdown has begun!
ONE day until I graduate from Community College (with PTK honors!), before graduating from high school. (I'm sorry, I had to brag just a little bit.)
TWO days until I leave for Georgia, finally!
ONE month until I graduate from high school.
TWENTY NINE days until my graduation party.
Little over a MONTH until I move to Georgia!
I'm excited. Today was spent cleaning, packing, and tying up all my loose ends before I take a trip up to Georgia for two weeks. I have a hefty bit of extra stuff to pack and re-check that I've packed what with all of the Diabetes supplies. I need to make sure I have all of my insulin pens, needles, enough test strips to last me until I get back, my meter and one extra meter as back up, lancets and lots of extra lancets, glucose tabs, ketostix, Nutrition Facts Book, Diabetes-friendly snacks (lots of fresh fruit, popcorn, tuna, rice cakes, cucumbers, and Crystal Light), proper refrigeration/cooler for extra insulin... you get the point. I'm not a light traveler, I'm a "better safe than sorry so with that said let's pack up and bring the whole house" kind of person. Heh. Whatever I need to do to take care of myself, right?
In other news, this week has just been one of "those" weeks. Y'know, when everything breaks? A lightning surge from bad storms last month (last month, mind you!) caused the AC, refrigerator, dishwasher, and computers to completely crap out. The power, water, TV, phones, alarm, internet and washing machine already went too, but those were fixed last month and thankfully have caused no more trouble for the time being. So this morning come to find that everything in the fridge spoiled (I had to pack my insulin up and take it to the warehouse to keep it cool, thank goodness for back-up refrigerators in this heat!), we went out to breakfast at this cute little restaurant called Robinson's in downtown Apopka.
The food is cheap as dirt but thankfully the food does not taste like dirt. You get outstanding for what you pay for. Everything is super yummy, and the place has the cute little quaint small-town feel to it. You can just tell that all the people eating there are regular visitors. I perused through the menu and I was delighted to find upon consultation in my nutrition book that pancakes - one of my all-time favorite breakfast foods! - didn't have as many carbs as I thought (much to my surprise!) So, I got coffee, with sugar substitute (I should start remembering to bring Truvia packets with me), two pancakes (with sugar free syrup, of course), with two eggs and sausage. I saved one of the pancakes for later, but it was all delicious! I don't know if it is considered impolite to give yourself an insulin shot at the table but I have never really felt the need to hide it. It's such a bother to have to get up and go to the bathroom to do it sometimes... so I just put my arm up on the booth and gave myself a shot in the arm. There was a man behind me, but I didn't look at his face to see whether or not he was disgusted, sympathetic, or oblivious. I personally find that most people never even notice what is right in front of them, and that's why I do the insulin shots in public. No one ever really even notices.
On the way out my mom sends me back in to put the tip on the table and I walk past a group of 80 year old men at breakfast. Bless them! They said, "Excuse me, miss, but you can't be wearing that in public. You're making us look bad!" I wasn't exactly sure how to respond. I had put on a full-length sun dress this morning because it was just about the only thing I could wear without 1.) being in pain and 2.) showing off my awfully painful, splotchily-sunburnt legs. Yesterday I went to the beach and was SURE to stick a crapload of sunscreen on. However, I missed spots all up the back of my legs. I ended up lying on my stomach on a towel and taking a nap for two hours and when I got home I only then realized the red burns going up and down the lengths of my legs in uneven places. It's terrible! That might be my last trip to the beach before I move to Georgia and it was quite disappointing. What do I need to do to not get sunburnt, wear a parka?
But I digress. It amused me and yet at the same time I was slightly baffled as to whether these old men were simply having fun or if they were hitting on me. I smiled and exchanged a couple of comments with them before I left. What an interesting start to the day!
I was feeling in a crafty mood when I got home, then, and this is the product of my craftiness:
And opened, with needle still attached, which is a big no-no so please no one turn me into the Diabetes-Police.
This one is for Lantus (my long-acting insulin).
Curse you, stupid small needles of doom. We meet again. And you're so much less cute when you're naked, without your insulin koozie on.
So yes... as you can tell, I'm just biding my time until graduation Saturday morning and getting antsy and restless about my upcoming roadtrip. I just love a good roadtrip. I love packing my truck, making playlists on my ipod, buying snacks for the trip, cleaning my car, the whole nine yards. The only thing I dislike is paying for the gas and the fact that my truck lacks a CD Player and cruise control. But other than that, it promises to be a fun kick-off to my Summer Break!
Let the "Cinco de Countdown" begin!
ONE day until I graduate from Community College (with PTK honors!), before graduating from high school. (I'm sorry, I had to brag just a little bit.)
TWO days until I leave for Georgia, finally!
ONE month until I graduate from high school.
TWENTY NINE days until my graduation party.
Little over a MONTH until I move to Georgia!
I'm excited. Today was spent cleaning, packing, and tying up all my loose ends before I take a trip up to Georgia for two weeks. I have a hefty bit of extra stuff to pack and re-check that I've packed what with all of the Diabetes supplies. I need to make sure I have all of my insulin pens, needles, enough test strips to last me until I get back, my meter and one extra meter as back up, lancets and lots of extra lancets, glucose tabs, ketostix, Nutrition Facts Book, Diabetes-friendly snacks (lots of fresh fruit, popcorn, tuna, rice cakes, cucumbers, and Crystal Light), proper refrigeration/cooler for extra insulin... you get the point. I'm not a light traveler, I'm a "better safe than sorry so with that said let's pack up and bring the whole house" kind of person. Heh. Whatever I need to do to take care of myself, right?
In other news, this week has just been one of "those" weeks. Y'know, when everything breaks? A lightning surge from bad storms last month (last month, mind you!) caused the AC, refrigerator, dishwasher, and computers to completely crap out. The power, water, TV, phones, alarm, internet and washing machine already went too, but those were fixed last month and thankfully have caused no more trouble for the time being. So this morning come to find that everything in the fridge spoiled (I had to pack my insulin up and take it to the warehouse to keep it cool, thank goodness for back-up refrigerators in this heat!), we went out to breakfast at this cute little restaurant called Robinson's in downtown Apopka.
The food is cheap as dirt but thankfully the food does not taste like dirt. You get outstanding for what you pay for. Everything is super yummy, and the place has the cute little quaint small-town feel to it. You can just tell that all the people eating there are regular visitors. I perused through the menu and I was delighted to find upon consultation in my nutrition book that pancakes - one of my all-time favorite breakfast foods! - didn't have as many carbs as I thought (much to my surprise!) So, I got coffee, with sugar substitute (I should start remembering to bring Truvia packets with me), two pancakes (with sugar free syrup, of course), with two eggs and sausage. I saved one of the pancakes for later, but it was all delicious! I don't know if it is considered impolite to give yourself an insulin shot at the table but I have never really felt the need to hide it. It's such a bother to have to get up and go to the bathroom to do it sometimes... so I just put my arm up on the booth and gave myself a shot in the arm. There was a man behind me, but I didn't look at his face to see whether or not he was disgusted, sympathetic, or oblivious. I personally find that most people never even notice what is right in front of them, and that's why I do the insulin shots in public. No one ever really even notices.
On the way out my mom sends me back in to put the tip on the table and I walk past a group of 80 year old men at breakfast. Bless them! They said, "Excuse me, miss, but you can't be wearing that in public. You're making us look bad!" I wasn't exactly sure how to respond. I had put on a full-length sun dress this morning because it was just about the only thing I could wear without 1.) being in pain and 2.) showing off my awfully painful, splotchily-sunburnt legs. Yesterday I went to the beach and was SURE to stick a crapload of sunscreen on. However, I missed spots all up the back of my legs. I ended up lying on my stomach on a towel and taking a nap for two hours and when I got home I only then realized the red burns going up and down the lengths of my legs in uneven places. It's terrible! That might be my last trip to the beach before I move to Georgia and it was quite disappointing. What do I need to do to not get sunburnt, wear a parka?
But I digress. It amused me and yet at the same time I was slightly baffled as to whether these old men were simply having fun or if they were hitting on me. I smiled and exchanged a couple of comments with them before I left. What an interesting start to the day!
I was feeling in a crafty mood when I got home, then, and this is the product of my craftiness:
INSULIN PEN KOOZIES!
Oh yes. I went there.
Insulin shots just got a whole lot more fun. I'm in love.
Can you believe I searched the entire internet and couldn't find anything like these?
There's me being way too excited.
This one up above is for Novolog (my fast-acting insulin).
OMG look! Insulin! (Just what I wanted for Christmas)
This one is for Lantus (my long-acting insulin).
Curse you, stupid small needles of doom. We meet again. And you're so much less cute when you're naked, without your insulin koozie on.
So yes... as you can tell, I'm just biding my time until graduation Saturday morning and getting antsy and restless about my upcoming roadtrip. I just love a good roadtrip. I love packing my truck, making playlists on my ipod, buying snacks for the trip, cleaning my car, the whole nine yards. The only thing I dislike is paying for the gas and the fact that my truck lacks a CD Player and cruise control. But other than that, it promises to be a fun kick-off to my Summer Break!
Let the "Cinco de Countdown" begin!
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Diabetes: Episode at 2 AM - The Hypoglycemia Strikes Back
Yesterday was a highly productive day, as far as Summer Break days go.
I spent the morning blogging and then drove over to our moonwalk warehouse down the street to wash my truck.
And boy, did my truck need washed.
I got my truck in September of last year -
I have not washed it once.
It actually didn't look that bad, all things considered... well, so I thought, until I actually started washing it, that is.
After I got it hosed off and got a good coat of soapy cleaning solution rubbed in, I realized that my truck had been so dirty that you could hardly tell how white it really was. The difference was akin to the difference between a pothole and the Grand Canyon. I didn't even know that white could feasibly be that dirty while still managing to be white. The start of my cleaning left streaks of pearly white crisscrossing all over the tepid grey coat of dirt that had settled on my truck for far too long.
I had figured I wouldn't be out there too long, so I didn't bother with sunscreen. I just stayed out in the brilliant, blinding hot Floridian sun with my white-white pale skin.
And fried, unsuspectingly enough, as I scrubbed and windex-ed, washed out the tailbed, vacuumed, waxed and launched an all-out offensive attack against any lovebugs that dared settle on my newly-cleaned car -- err, truck.
Sure, I could have saved myself the trouble, the effort, the slight hypoglycemia, and the searing sunburn by just running my truck through an automatic car wash for $5. But there's something purely satisfying about a clean, hand-washed truck. That and I was being a total cheapskate. That and I'm clearly a masochist because I just love getting highly painful sunburns in addition to testing my blood glucose and giving myself insulin shots.
I felt a little shakey after being out in the hot sun for at least two hours, so I took a break to let my car dry before applying the waxing spray. I tested my blood sugar and it was at 67; not too bad, but I didn't want to let that 67 slip into anything worse since I planned on being out there a little longer. I munched on a small granola bar and sipped a Diet Coke that I had brought along with me in the shade.
After I was convinced that my car was clean enough to be presented to the Queen, I stood back, admired my work, and drove home. It wasn't until about an hour later that I started to notice the painful sunburn developing on my arms, shoulder, neck and upper back. My blood sugar had also dropped to 57. Don't you just love your body sometimes? So I went ahead and made myself a quick dinner; tuna sandwich and an apple.
Low corrected, I let dinner settle and then was off - I have finally been inspired to work out again. I packed my meter and strips, lancet, water, a couple of snacks, glucose tabs, and glucagon kit into a backpack and biked over to the track. 2.5 miles of running-jogging-walking later, I biked back home. I ate a rice cake to stave off any low blood sugar and relaxed for the evening.
I tested before bed: 167. Kind of spiky. Hmm. I will admit to having snacked a little more than I should have. I only had a piece of fruit for bedtime snack since my sugar was that high, then gave myself Lantus, then went to bed.
My eyes flew open.
Mmmmphhhh. I muttered. Ugh.
The AC hasn't been working and the house is literally hotter than it is outside. But I am not much of a sweater, and I had woken up drenched - seriously drenched - in sweat.I felt like I had just been swimming in a pool of it. Conscience-Lacy suggested that perhaps I should check my blood sugar, just in case - now that I'm not waking up 5 times a night to use the bathroom anymore I usually sleep soundly unless low blood sugar wakes me up, which it has done only a few times before.
I turned on my bedside light and then realized how shaky my hand was. It all started to hit me. My heart was beating in my ears. I could hardly hold the lancet steady and it was two or three times before I could get a pinprick and slip the ruby red dot onto a test strip. 35. Mmmmkay, tired Lacy thought groggily.
Waaaiiit. Wha?
35?
I had never been that low before. I had exercised at 5:30 pm. Maybe this was delayed hypoglycemia from the exercise.
But ohmygosh.
35.
OHMYGOSH.
WTF.
My body suddenly seemed to realize, "Hey, woah, wow. 35. I'm gonna be a real pain, as I always am, and start freaking out on you now. More than usual." And I suddenly felt so weak that I didn't think I could have gotten up to get to the kitchen even if I had wanted to. It was paralyzing. I thanked God I had decided, on one of my OCD cleaning raids, to put my rice cakes in the drawer in my nightstand next to my bed. I whipped the drawer open, struggled to undo the plastic, and munched on one as fast as I could.
Then it was official. The beast had been unleashed.
NEED.FOOD.NOW.
I waited a sec to regain some strength and was off to the kitchen like a marathon runner.
FOOD!
I grabbed peanut butter, I grabbed cereal, I stuck cereal in peanut butter, I ate the cereal in the peanut butter, I grabbed graham crackers, I ate graham crackers with peanut butter and graham crackers with peanut butter and blackberry jelly, I ate scoops of peanut butter with jelly, I ate just scoops of peanut butter, I ate just scoops of jelly.
Oh, how I ate.
In actuality, I didn't actually eat all of that in such copious quantities as I made it out to be, but yeah. I still ate way too much. I over-corrected. And I knew it.
As I scooped spoons of peanut butter in my mouth, I knew that I had no business eating food anymore, I had already corrected myself more than enough.
But it was like... I didn't care.
I have divided my excuses onto two hands:
1.) On one hand, hypoglycemia makes you want to shove all food, any food, in your mouth, as soon as you can get it.
2.) On the other hand, as guilty as I feel to say it, hypoglycemia is the closest I can get to feeling like a normal person again.
To feeling like you.
To feeling like I can eat what I want, when I want, without inhibitions, without the constant carb-calculator, counting away, in my head 24 hours a day, without the nagging: "DIDYOUTAKEYOURSINULINYESITOOKTHEDAMNINSULIN" conscience of mine.
And it's a really crappy feeling.
I hate it.
I feel degraded, I feel defeated, I feel beaten.
I feel like diabetes wins in moments like that.
I HATE IT! Can you possibly understand how intolerable it is sometimes? I hate feeling guilty every time I eat something. I used to feel guilty about eating because of the amount of calories, what it would make my body look like, but that is no longer top priority! I still care, but that can no longer always come first!
Now it is because of the carbs, the blood sugar, the amount of insulin I'll need, my meal plan, what my Doctors will say, my A1C, my entire well-being. Every time I eat, it is not just the carb calculator in my head but the consequence calculator, adding up all of the consequences of my actions, what I have chosen to eat, advertising my shortcomings, blaring them in my face, on full-screen TV.
I hate that Diabetes, like an unwanted guest, has entered my life uninvited, unasked for, has taken over everything. I try my best to control it but it is times like this that I feel like Diabetes is the real boss. I hate that Diabetes makes me feel bad about doing something that I am naturally supposed to be allowed to do - but because my body has failed me - I can no longer do, well, naturally. I cannot eat a sandwich without thinking of it. I cannot mindlessly spoon peanut butter into my mouth any longer. Gone are the days when I can eat free cookies at Publix like I always used to, even though I am no longer 12. And then that makes me want to cheat, because not being able to eat normally makes me want to pretend like I can eat normally any chance I get.
And you know, Irony would have it that I would have never done those things if I hadn't gotten Diabetes. I never wanted to. But now it's not because I don't want to, it's because I can't, and I no longer have the choice.
Live or die Lacy, Live or die? Is sometimes the only option that I seem to have now; the one and only, terrible question that Diabetes will ever ask of me. What kind of a choice is that?
Now that I can't, I wish from the bottom of my heart that I had dared to live more before my diagnosis. Even if it was living in that simple way. Even if I had appreciated my good health more, my ability to eat without the hassle, the strain, the calculators, the insulin, the guilt, The Diabetes.
Yes, I over-corrected for my low. I knew that I would get a high from it. I knew better. My mind was telling me I knew better the whole time I sat there, over-correcting. I knew the consequences. I knew I would wake up and my blood sugar would be something along the lines of 229. UGH. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it,
And yet I did it anyways.
I am human, I do stupid things, I succumb to weakness.
And I don't want it to happen again, but I can't honestly tell you if it will or not.
Because I am new to this, I am full of mistakes, I am Lacy Elizabeth Ball and I hate having Diabetes but I have to suck it up and live with it anyways, because to not live with it is to die.
So yes. This time, at 2 AM, the hypoglycemia struck back.
Who knows when it will strike again? Will I be ready?
I spent the morning blogging and then drove over to our moonwalk warehouse down the street to wash my truck.
And boy, did my truck need washed.
I got my truck in September of last year -
I have not washed it once.
It actually didn't look that bad, all things considered... well, so I thought, until I actually started washing it, that is.
After I got it hosed off and got a good coat of soapy cleaning solution rubbed in, I realized that my truck had been so dirty that you could hardly tell how white it really was. The difference was akin to the difference between a pothole and the Grand Canyon. I didn't even know that white could feasibly be that dirty while still managing to be white. The start of my cleaning left streaks of pearly white crisscrossing all over the tepid grey coat of dirt that had settled on my truck for far too long.
I had figured I wouldn't be out there too long, so I didn't bother with sunscreen. I just stayed out in the brilliant, blinding hot Floridian sun with my white-white pale skin.
And fried, unsuspectingly enough, as I scrubbed and windex-ed, washed out the tailbed, vacuumed, waxed and launched an all-out offensive attack against any lovebugs that dared settle on my newly-cleaned car -- err, truck.
Sure, I could have saved myself the trouble, the effort, the slight hypoglycemia, and the searing sunburn by just running my truck through an automatic car wash for $5. But there's something purely satisfying about a clean, hand-washed truck. That and I was being a total cheapskate. That and I'm clearly a masochist because I just love getting highly painful sunburns in addition to testing my blood glucose and giving myself insulin shots.
I felt a little shakey after being out in the hot sun for at least two hours, so I took a break to let my car dry before applying the waxing spray. I tested my blood sugar and it was at 67; not too bad, but I didn't want to let that 67 slip into anything worse since I planned on being out there a little longer. I munched on a small granola bar and sipped a Diet Coke that I had brought along with me in the shade.
After I was convinced that my car was clean enough to be presented to the Queen, I stood back, admired my work, and drove home. It wasn't until about an hour later that I started to notice the painful sunburn developing on my arms, shoulder, neck and upper back. My blood sugar had also dropped to 57. Don't you just love your body sometimes? So I went ahead and made myself a quick dinner; tuna sandwich and an apple.
Low corrected, I let dinner settle and then was off - I have finally been inspired to work out again. I packed my meter and strips, lancet, water, a couple of snacks, glucose tabs, and glucagon kit into a backpack and biked over to the track. 2.5 miles of running-jogging-walking later, I biked back home. I ate a rice cake to stave off any low blood sugar and relaxed for the evening.
I tested before bed: 167. Kind of spiky. Hmm. I will admit to having snacked a little more than I should have. I only had a piece of fruit for bedtime snack since my sugar was that high, then gave myself Lantus, then went to bed.
My eyes flew open.
Mmmmphhhh. I muttered. Ugh.
The AC hasn't been working and the house is literally hotter than it is outside. But I am not much of a sweater, and I had woken up drenched - seriously drenched - in sweat.I felt like I had just been swimming in a pool of it. Conscience-Lacy suggested that perhaps I should check my blood sugar, just in case - now that I'm not waking up 5 times a night to use the bathroom anymore I usually sleep soundly unless low blood sugar wakes me up, which it has done only a few times before.
I turned on my bedside light and then realized how shaky my hand was. It all started to hit me. My heart was beating in my ears. I could hardly hold the lancet steady and it was two or three times before I could get a pinprick and slip the ruby red dot onto a test strip. 35. Mmmmkay, tired Lacy thought groggily.
Waaaiiit. Wha?
35?
I had never been that low before. I had exercised at 5:30 pm. Maybe this was delayed hypoglycemia from the exercise.
But ohmygosh.
35.
OHMYGOSH.
WTF.
My body suddenly seemed to realize, "Hey, woah, wow. 35. I'm gonna be a real pain, as I always am, and start freaking out on you now. More than usual." And I suddenly felt so weak that I didn't think I could have gotten up to get to the kitchen even if I had wanted to. It was paralyzing. I thanked God I had decided, on one of my OCD cleaning raids, to put my rice cakes in the drawer in my nightstand next to my bed. I whipped the drawer open, struggled to undo the plastic, and munched on one as fast as I could.
Then it was official. The beast had been unleashed.
NEED.FOOD.NOW.
I waited a sec to regain some strength and was off to the kitchen like a marathon runner.
FOOD!
I grabbed peanut butter, I grabbed cereal, I stuck cereal in peanut butter, I ate the cereal in the peanut butter, I grabbed graham crackers, I ate graham crackers with peanut butter and graham crackers with peanut butter and blackberry jelly, I ate scoops of peanut butter with jelly, I ate just scoops of peanut butter, I ate just scoops of jelly.
Oh, how I ate.
In actuality, I didn't actually eat all of that in such copious quantities as I made it out to be, but yeah. I still ate way too much. I over-corrected. And I knew it.
As I scooped spoons of peanut butter in my mouth, I knew that I had no business eating food anymore, I had already corrected myself more than enough.
But it was like... I didn't care.
I have divided my excuses onto two hands:
1.) On one hand, hypoglycemia makes you want to shove all food, any food, in your mouth, as soon as you can get it.
2.) On the other hand, as guilty as I feel to say it, hypoglycemia is the closest I can get to feeling like a normal person again.
To feeling like you.
To feeling like I can eat what I want, when I want, without inhibitions, without the constant carb-calculator, counting away, in my head 24 hours a day, without the nagging: "DIDYOUTAKEYOURSINULINYESITOOKTHEDAMNINSULIN" conscience of mine.
And it's a really crappy feeling.
I hate it.
I feel degraded, I feel defeated, I feel beaten.
I feel like diabetes wins in moments like that.
I HATE IT! Can you possibly understand how intolerable it is sometimes? I hate feeling guilty every time I eat something. I used to feel guilty about eating because of the amount of calories, what it would make my body look like, but that is no longer top priority! I still care, but that can no longer always come first!
Now it is because of the carbs, the blood sugar, the amount of insulin I'll need, my meal plan, what my Doctors will say, my A1C, my entire well-being. Every time I eat, it is not just the carb calculator in my head but the consequence calculator, adding up all of the consequences of my actions, what I have chosen to eat, advertising my shortcomings, blaring them in my face, on full-screen TV.
I hate that Diabetes, like an unwanted guest, has entered my life uninvited, unasked for, has taken over everything. I try my best to control it but it is times like this that I feel like Diabetes is the real boss. I hate that Diabetes makes me feel bad about doing something that I am naturally supposed to be allowed to do - but because my body has failed me - I can no longer do, well, naturally. I cannot eat a sandwich without thinking of it. I cannot mindlessly spoon peanut butter into my mouth any longer. Gone are the days when I can eat free cookies at Publix like I always used to, even though I am no longer 12. And then that makes me want to cheat, because not being able to eat normally makes me want to pretend like I can eat normally any chance I get.
And you know, Irony would have it that I would have never done those things if I hadn't gotten Diabetes. I never wanted to. But now it's not because I don't want to, it's because I can't, and I no longer have the choice.
Live or die Lacy, Live or die? Is sometimes the only option that I seem to have now; the one and only, terrible question that Diabetes will ever ask of me. What kind of a choice is that?
Now that I can't, I wish from the bottom of my heart that I had dared to live more before my diagnosis. Even if it was living in that simple way. Even if I had appreciated my good health more, my ability to eat without the hassle, the strain, the calculators, the insulin, the guilt, The Diabetes.
Yes, I over-corrected for my low. I knew that I would get a high from it. I knew better. My mind was telling me I knew better the whole time I sat there, over-correcting. I knew the consequences. I knew I would wake up and my blood sugar would be something along the lines of 229. UGH. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it,
And yet I did it anyways.
I am human, I do stupid things, I succumb to weakness.
And I don't want it to happen again, but I can't honestly tell you if it will or not.
Because I am new to this, I am full of mistakes, I am Lacy Elizabeth Ball and I hate having Diabetes but I have to suck it up and live with it anyways, because to not live with it is to die.
So yes. This time, at 2 AM, the hypoglycemia struck back.
Who knows when it will strike again? Will I be ready?
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Why I Should Never Complain About Having Diabetes Again
Sometimes I need to take my having a Chronic Disease with a little bit of humor. Diabetes may suck, but it could always suck worse. For all the complaining I do, I look back on diabetes in the past and can't help but feel a wave of gratitude towards all the people who have made advancements possible. Even in the last 10-20 years, Diabetics have seen big improvements in needle size, insulin pumps, glucometers, and Diabetic Technology in general. There may not yet be a cure, but I hope that even if one is far-off, more advancements will keep coming that make living with Diabetes safer, more affordable, and easier in the future.
With that said, I am really, REALLY glad I was not a diabetic before the 21st Century. Not meant to offend any diabetics who were - I'm sure they're glad for all the advancements, too.
The needle on the top is the one we use now, the one on the bottom was used in 1967. And I thought I was scared of needles now? Can you imagine having to give yourself a shot 5+ times a day with that thing? As a (former) needle-phobic, I am very very thankful for my itty bitty needles!
Some more old-school insulin needles:
This was a Glucose Meter (Glucometer) used from 1885-1936. What a big difference from the Glucose Meters we use now! Back then, they did urine tests instead of blood tests.
1957 - 1963. ‘Clinitest’ is a "portable" urine testing kit. It is similar to those used in small rural (or ‘cottage’) hospitals or in the general practitioners’ surgeries. The kit was made by American company Ames. It detected substances such as blood, protein, glucose and sugar within urine. Identification of these substances within urine can assist the diagnosis of diseases such as diabetes. I'm pretty sure this is bigger than my laptop. No matter how "bulky" my glucose meter may seem when I try to stuff it subtly into a purse, I will now take the hassle in silence.
1980's Glucometer. I think mine is about the size of the black sticker on the front.
1880-1920: Before the discovery of insulin, it was believed that any foods that were converted to sugar (carbs) should not be eaten by diabetics. Diabetics were put on low-calorie diets (450 calories a day) and could have no sugar at all. Still, this only kept diabetic patients alive for a few weeks, maybe a year or two. There may be many things that I shouldn't eat now, and I plan on experimenting with low-carb diets in the future, but I am grateful for insulin and the ability to have the freedom to still eat a wide variety of foods.
Picture of before and after insulin, date unknown.
Medical Card from the 1970's. Too true! Apparently when I was taken to CentraCare while going into DKA, the Doctors all thought that I was intoxicated, too.
1978 JDRF (then JDF) Poster.
With that said, I am really, REALLY glad I was not a diabetic before the 21st Century. Not meant to offend any diabetics who were - I'm sure they're glad for all the advancements, too.
Needles
The needle on the top is the one we use now, the one on the bottom was used in 1967. And I thought I was scared of needles now? Can you imagine having to give yourself a shot 5+ times a day with that thing? As a (former) needle-phobic, I am very very thankful for my itty bitty needles!
Some more old-school insulin needles:
1955, "The Palmer Injector". In Palmer’s device, the syringe is attached to the gun-shaped steel handle, which can be used in either hand, and applied to any part of the body. Does anyone else find this thing completely terrifying? As if giving yourself shots wasn't bad enough, let's add a gun.
Before the 1960's, disposable syringes did not exist. People would not only have to boil their syringe and needle to sterilize them, but they would have to use an object like the one shown above to sharpen their needle, as it would often grow dull.
Lancets
The white lancet is from 2006 (now they are even smaller!) and the blue one is an older one, most likely from the '90's. What gauge is that? OUCH!
The Autolet; aka "The Guillotine". I believe this deserves to win the award for "most terrifying lancet ever".
Glucometers
1957 - 1963. ‘Clinitest’ is a "portable" urine testing kit. It is similar to those used in small rural (or ‘cottage’) hospitals or in the general practitioners’ surgeries. The kit was made by American company Ames. It detected substances such as blood, protein, glucose and sugar within urine. Identification of these substances within urine can assist the diagnosis of diseases such as diabetes. I'm pretty sure this is bigger than my laptop. No matter how "bulky" my glucose meter may seem when I try to stuff it subtly into a purse, I will now take the hassle in silence.
1980's Glucometer. I think mine is about the size of the black sticker on the front.
Before Insulin
Picture of before and after insulin, date unknown.
Miscellaneous
Medical Card from the 1970's. Too true! Apparently when I was taken to CentraCare while going into DKA, the Doctors all thought that I was intoxicated, too.
1978 JDRF (then JDF) Poster.
Monday, May 2, 2011
That Awkward Moment When You're Dressed as Cinderella at a Stoplight
Well, it hit me this weekend that I have been out of school for a week as of tomorrow and I have been an absolute waste of life since then.
Like seriously. Something about finally being done with high school makes me feel like a loser every time I spend the whole day sitting around in PJ's watching TV and doing semi-productive things on the computer all day. In high school it is as if you are expected to do things like that, but now my conscience seems to be telling me, "You are acting like a LOSER! STOP BEING A WASTE OF LIFE!"
For the most part, I mainly ignore my conscious and go on my merry business.
And yet - yet -- it's true.
I haven't filled out the rest of my scholarship forms, remained mainly lethargic, my truck still sits out in the driveway unwashed, and I've taken to cleaning my room in my boredom so, needless to say, it's OCD spotless.
I guess I am simply enjoying not having to take 18 credit hours, not doing any summer classes, and simply treating myself to the all-too-rare feeling of (almost - as close as I'll ever get) having absolutely nothing to do.
But this week I had it with the constant conscience-nagging and managed to arouse myself from post-high school lethargy. It started with a Cinderella job this morning, because making money is an awesome way to spend time in a productive manner.
In case you're unfamiliar with my job, allow me to clue you in. I work for my mother (it's a love boss-hate boss relationship) and we do party entertainment. I dress up as a clown, or princess, or batgirl, a number of things. I face paint, twist balloons, and do children's parties. Overall it's an awesome job, including the awkward stares you get as Cinderella when you're at a stoplight and the catcalls when you're in 7-11 in a cowgirl outfit. (I sympathize with the Elvis impersonator).
So, today I was Cinderella for a group of adorable little girls.
Enter Diabetes.
I was in the middle of painting today when it hit me.
Trying to face paint an already squirming kid with a shaking, low blood-sugary hand is, to say, difficult.
I had been cautious as I am nowadays and brought my "emergency" pack of rice cakes with me. I got one out and munched on one as subtly as I could, cringing at how unprofessional I must seem.
"Cinderella is fine." I told the girl I was face painting. "She is just fine. She just needs to eat because her fairy godmother forgot to give her time for breakfast."
Ugh.
I've been so teeter-totter, back and forth about my emotions about having Diabetes that lately the best way I can describe it is saying I have "mixed feelings". Some days I'm happy, hopeful, inspired, other days I'm sad, angry, downtrodden, discouraged, annoyed, other days I'm just plain neutral. I wonder if I'll always feel like this? Part of me thinks, yes, I just might.
Don't get me wrong, I can accept my condition, it's just the equivalent of an emotional dinosaur at times. You can't take it all at once; It's a lot to handle. But filling up my schedule helps, as does just remembering to take things slow.
Diabetes is a day-to-day experience, each day bringing new struggles and triumphs.
I can only take it one bit at a time, smile at the little things, be thankful for being alive another day, and fight my battles one by one.
My battles for this week:
- Wash the car
- (Minor) shopping trip
- Pack for GA
- Valencia Community College Graduation - Finally!
- And, best of all, a trip to GA this Sunday!
Like seriously. Something about finally being done with high school makes me feel like a loser every time I spend the whole day sitting around in PJ's watching TV and doing semi-productive things on the computer all day. In high school it is as if you are expected to do things like that, but now my conscience seems to be telling me, "You are acting like a LOSER! STOP BEING A WASTE OF LIFE!"
For the most part, I mainly ignore my conscious and go on my merry business.
And yet - yet -- it's true.
I haven't filled out the rest of my scholarship forms, remained mainly lethargic, my truck still sits out in the driveway unwashed, and I've taken to cleaning my room in my boredom so, needless to say, it's OCD spotless.
I guess I am simply enjoying not having to take 18 credit hours, not doing any summer classes, and simply treating myself to the all-too-rare feeling of (almost - as close as I'll ever get) having absolutely nothing to do.
But this week I had it with the constant conscience-nagging and managed to arouse myself from post-high school lethargy. It started with a Cinderella job this morning, because making money is an awesome way to spend time in a productive manner.
In case you're unfamiliar with my job, allow me to clue you in. I work for my mother (it's a love boss-hate boss relationship) and we do party entertainment. I dress up as a clown, or princess, or batgirl, a number of things. I face paint, twist balloons, and do children's parties. Overall it's an awesome job, including the awkward stares you get as Cinderella when you're at a stoplight and the catcalls when you're in 7-11 in a cowgirl outfit. (I sympathize with the Elvis impersonator).
So, today I was Cinderella for a group of adorable little girls.
Enter Diabetes.
I was in the middle of painting today when it hit me.
Trying to face paint an already squirming kid with a shaking, low blood-sugary hand is, to say, difficult.
I had been cautious as I am nowadays and brought my "emergency" pack of rice cakes with me. I got one out and munched on one as subtly as I could, cringing at how unprofessional I must seem.
"Cinderella is fine." I told the girl I was face painting. "She is just fine. She just needs to eat because her fairy godmother forgot to give her time for breakfast."
Ugh.
I've been so teeter-totter, back and forth about my emotions about having Diabetes that lately the best way I can describe it is saying I have "mixed feelings". Some days I'm happy, hopeful, inspired, other days I'm sad, angry, downtrodden, discouraged, annoyed, other days I'm just plain neutral. I wonder if I'll always feel like this? Part of me thinks, yes, I just might.
Don't get me wrong, I can accept my condition, it's just the equivalent of an emotional dinosaur at times. You can't take it all at once; It's a lot to handle. But filling up my schedule helps, as does just remembering to take things slow.
Diabetes is a day-to-day experience, each day bringing new struggles and triumphs.
I can only take it one bit at a time, smile at the little things, be thankful for being alive another day, and fight my battles one by one.
My battles for this week:
- Wash the car
- (Minor) shopping trip
- Pack for GA
- Valencia Community College Graduation - Finally!
- And, best of all, a trip to GA this Sunday!
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