Well, it hit me this weekend that I have been out of school for a week as of tomorrow and I have been an absolute waste of life since then.
Like seriously. Something about finally being done with high school makes me feel like a loser every time I spend the whole day sitting around in PJ's watching TV and doing semi-productive things on the computer all day. In high school it is as if you are expected to do things like that, but now my conscience seems to be telling me, "You are acting like a LOSER! STOP BEING A WASTE OF LIFE!"
For the most part, I mainly ignore my conscious and go on my merry business.
And yet - yet -- it's true.
I haven't filled out the rest of my scholarship forms, remained mainly lethargic, my truck still sits out in the driveway unwashed, and I've taken to cleaning my room in my boredom so, needless to say, it's OCD spotless.
I guess I am simply enjoying not having to take 18 credit hours, not doing any summer classes, and simply treating myself to the all-too-rare feeling of (almost - as close as I'll ever get) having absolutely nothing to do.
But this week I had it with the constant conscience-nagging and managed to arouse myself from post-high school lethargy. It started with a Cinderella job this morning, because making money is an awesome way to spend time in a productive manner.
In case you're unfamiliar with my job, allow me to clue you in. I work for my mother (it's a love boss-hate boss relationship) and we do party entertainment. I dress up as a clown, or princess, or batgirl, a number of things. I face paint, twist balloons, and do children's parties. Overall it's an awesome job, including the awkward stares you get as Cinderella when you're at a stoplight and the catcalls when you're in 7-11 in a cowgirl outfit. (I sympathize with the Elvis impersonator).
So, today I was Cinderella for a group of adorable little girls.
Enter Diabetes.
I was in the middle of painting today when it hit me.
Trying to face paint an already squirming kid with a shaking, low blood-sugary hand is, to say, difficult.
I had been cautious as I am nowadays and brought my "emergency" pack of rice cakes with me. I got one out and munched on one as subtly as I could, cringing at how unprofessional I must seem.
"Cinderella is fine." I told the girl I was face painting. "She is just fine. She just needs to eat because her fairy godmother forgot to give her time for breakfast."
Ugh.
I've been so teeter-totter, back and forth about my emotions about having Diabetes that lately the best way I can describe it is saying I have "mixed feelings". Some days I'm happy, hopeful, inspired, other days I'm sad, angry, downtrodden, discouraged, annoyed, other days I'm just plain neutral. I wonder if I'll always feel like this? Part of me thinks, yes, I just might.
Don't get me wrong, I can accept my condition, it's just the equivalent of an emotional dinosaur at times. You can't take it all at once; It's a lot to handle. But filling up my schedule helps, as does just remembering to take things slow.
Diabetes is a day-to-day experience, each day bringing new struggles and triumphs.
I can only take it one bit at a time, smile at the little things, be thankful for being alive another day, and fight my battles one by one.
My battles for this week:
- Wash the car
- (Minor) shopping trip
- Pack for GA
- Valencia Community College Graduation - Finally!
- And, best of all, a trip to GA this Sunday!
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