One moment I'm standing in the shoe aisle at Target, the next I'm on the floor leaning against the racks, wiping away the sweat beading on my forehead. My heart is racing, and I suck in the air around me in quick, shallow breaths.
The lows are back again, and it's been a long time. Too long. My levels? On the other end of the spectrum more than anything these days - translation: not so great lately. The stress of life and of class if really getting to me. I don't (can't) sleep much between everything I have to do. I make time for meals at little 5 minute intervals of free time throughout the day. I can't work out as much as I want to because I'm tired and busy so much of the time. All of these things raise blood sugar, but I'm more blaming myself than anything. I've been lazy, too busy to care.
It's hard - I'm feeling somewhat like a failure again. My mind says, when are you going to get it together, Lacy?
The last two years may have been a grace period for catching your bearings, but there are no excuses now. You'd better shape up, or you'll regret it in the future. You have no reason to be struggling anymore. You should have this down by now.
Regret - guilt - I feel it a lot. One of the things I fear most is having complications from Diabetes. And the feeling of failure I know will/would be associated with it. I just want to be healthy. I just want to be healthy and carefree. Is that so much to ask for? (With Diabetes, I think that sometimes the answer is resoundingly yes).
Each time I feel like this, I have to pick myself back up. No wallows of self pity for me - not for long, anyways. Hell, self pity probably raises blood sugar, too. Everything else seems to. Defeat is not allowed. I may shake my head and bite back a retort at myself when the number on the Glucometer is higher than I want it to be, but ultimately I've got to translate that frustration into something useful so that I can make progress and get back on track again. At least I know how that works, even if I can't necessarily seem to understand how getting the elusive in target BG's works.
So when I sat down, shaking, in the middle of Target on the floor, I was kind of glad. I gave myself a mental good job - because I'd upped my insulin dose the last few days, and I was really making a conscientious effort to keep my sugars in range. Less carbs - more insulin - lots of water. If that meant that I had to be low sometimes while I fine-tuned by insulin/carb ratio, so be it. It was progress. As much as I whine about lows and how awful they are - and seriously, they are awful - I realize that sometimes they are a necessary for my illness. Lows tell me if I'm doing something right or wrong, and if something I'm doing needs to be adjusted. It is something that makes me pay attention to my body, which is an undoubtedly good thing. And sometimes I'd almost rather be low than high. I mean, when your low, that's a great excuse to eat ice crea---- I mean, correct and learn from your mistake, of course.
So here's to better treatment - again. Take one million, or something like that. I'll never stop trying. Here's to trying hard - hopefully, minus the lows in the middle of Target though, of course. Lows while grocery shopping make me buy weird things. Somehow I came out of the store with eggs, some really weird flavour of gum, diet soda, and recees pieces. You learn something new every day. I should come with a disclaimer: Warning: Not responsible for any groceries I bring home while shopping low.
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