Can't See the Stars.

I can't see the stars anymore.

It occurred to me as I was driving through downtown one evening. The glimmer and beauty of the lights surrounded me again, filling my heart with hope and reaffirming me that all in this world was ok, was going to be ok - no matter what. 
Faith is a lot like that, I guess. I can't see it, but I know it's there. Even when I can see the stars - outside of the city - the day comes eventually. It takes them away. But still, I know that they are there.

My life has relied on a lot of faith since starting school here. Faith that it's all worth it. Faith that I'll make it through. And lots, lots of faith in God. If you asked me whether I had changed since beginning Graduate School at Mercer, I would reel a little bit. Because the difference shocks even me, despite that I am the same person. I don't feel the same. My life consists of waking up, going to class, studying almost all of the time, getting lunch prepared, occasionally taking a break, and going to sleep to do it all over again. On the weekends - I work. I have to make specific time for "regular daily activities" such as laundry and vacuuming. It's all a numbers game, as to how much time I want to take away from my studies - how much can I afford to take?

When I'm out with friends, I talk about PT. When I look at magazines of clothes, suddenly I don't only see dresses - shirts - I see muscles, acromion processes and forearm tendons. I make PT jokes. My Facebook consists of posts about a. school and b. work, usually. I ask my friends to let me practice Manual Muscle Testing on them. I wear my little orange and black Mercer jacket proudly. PT is what I have that is mine - to hold and to show and to work for as proof of the life that I have worked hard so much of my life for. PT isn't my whole life, but it's undoubtedly a huge portion of it, and that will inevitably change a person. It has become the filter through which I see life.

And life, in the meantime, I realize does not stop for PT school. I'm tired? Too bad... I have two personal days out of the semester and today I am not using one of them. Diabetes? Still a pain - still have to deal. Have to wake up and go to school. I can either chose to get enough sleep and stress about studying later, or get some studying done and be super tired in the morning. I don't want to study? I have to put in more hours... have to pass my anatomy exam. Personal life? It's not nonexistent, as my focus on PT might have you think. It happens all around me, waxes and wanes, makes me happy and makes me sad. And no matter what, I have to live to through it all. Keep pushing forward, push past, push on - life doesn't stop, and neither must I.

I must live in a world where I can't see the stars anymore. I know they are there, but the city lights have taken their place. And everything is still the same, but it's all quite different, because of this fact. I am thankful, nonetheless. I have faith that they will light my way through this journey I have chosen to take. Those lights are beautiful all the same.