Fear.

Fear and I are well-acquainted with each other.

There are many things I fear.

I fear spiders. Watching scary movies alone at night. I fear tornadoes. Failure. Car accidents. I fear being alone.

We could spend our whole lives consumed, developed by fear.

We could try and lead safe, secure, scheduled lives, all in hopes of avoiding our worst and deepest fears.

We could avoid jumping all together, never risking the fall that is the potential cost of even the seemingly most simple of things.

But fear won't do.

Fear won't save your life; it will take it from you.

Fear, if you let it envelop you, could take hold of you completely.

What we have to fear is, indeed, fear itself.

I will admit that I am scared, sometimes, ever since I found out that I had this disease.

I read so many stories, hear so many things.

People who go to bed fine and never wake up; their bodies simply give up on them, despite all of the care, despite the precautions and cautious careful monitoring of blood sugar levels.

People whose hearts give out on them, people who pass out because of low blood sugar or go into a coma.

Like I know I very well should have a week and a half ago when my blood sugar levels were over 900 and I was mere inches away from death.

I know there are horror stories like this associated with nearly everything, but it's hard to just ignore them when you are faced with the fact that they ARE still a possibility when you have a health condition like mine.

I am scared I will never live a long life, that I will never be able to manage diabetes, that no matter what I do, it will never be enough.

I am scared that it will beat me, that I will not win.

I am scared that I will never be able to afford insulin or the price it takes to keep me alive.

I am less than 6 months from 18.

I will no longer be a child, but an adult.

This isn't a good thing in the health care industry.

I have bad eyes, my back has been fractured, and I have Type 1 Diabetes.

I have no health insurance, and let's face it, even if I applied for health insurance: what health care company would take me? I would be pooled into the high-risk group and most likely face sky-high premiums simply because I have a disease I never intended to get.

It's not unfair, it's business. If I were a health coverage provider, I wouldn't take me either. Because let's face this: I am a bad investment.

No matter how healthy I may be able to make myself be, I will never be as healthy as the majority of you reading this.

And it terrifies me.

I can't even afford college, let alone the hundreds of dollars a month insulin or doctor's visits will cost.

I've applied for Medicaid, though I have always hated entitlements and preached against them. That tears me up inside and makes me feel more awful than you can imagine, to have to be dependent on the Government like that.

It gives me a sinking feeling in my chest, makes me feel hopeless and lost.

Dear God, I feel like such a hypocrite, talking about how much I hate big government and all that we should provide for ourselves;

Yet if it weren't for Medicaid, I could be dead next month.

Medicaid, which faces cuts now that we are facing sky-high budget deficits.

I don't even know how to feel about cutting it now.

Sometimes I don't even know how I should feel anymore.

My life is now full of fear, full of uncertainty.

I couldn't tell you what I might expect in the weeks, the months, the years to come; I don't even know what to expect tomorrow.

I can only take one thing at a time. I must not let fear grab ahold of me.

I can only commit my fears to God and take comfort in the fact that he will provide for me. I am so scared. I am learning what it truly means to be deprived and helpless and be forced to depend on God.

Somehow, despite my fears, I know that will be enough for me.