The Non-Self Help Book for Diabetes

Erica and I deliberated and came up with an idea which will help get my mind off the doom-and-gloom of having diabetes, and focus more on the humorous side of it. I don't like self help books, so my "book" is the opposite; it's basically just a new journal I have started documenting all of my new adventures, like how it is to learn to give yourself insulin shots when your biggest fear IN THE ENTIRE WORLD is needles. These days I need all the ways to rant and rave that I can get, and I figure it will help me to feel better. So I have my book (who knows? maybe I'll publish and become a gazillionare one day, create an artifical pancreas and ka-zam!, no more diabetes for me) - and I have this blog, and both will sort of follow that "non-self-help" theme. So a lot of things I write in my book I will put down here for y'all to read if you are interested - which I don't know if you are, but if you are, I'm honored!

Hey, at least now I have a lot to blog about.

The first chapter of my book is titled,

1.

Diabetes is for Masochists

This is a suitable chapter title. In fact, the term "masochist" is a suitable adjective for Diabetes.

For those of you who were like me just a week ago, allow me to educate you a bit on Type 1 Diabetes. Doctors do not really know why you get it, which kind of frustrates me because I'd sure as hell like to know what I could have NOT done in order to avoid getting Diabetes.

Anyways, moving on. Diabetes Type 1 is basically a disease where your pancreas attacks itself, fails and causes you to stop creating insulin, which is necessary because it allows sugar - food for cells - into the cells. It is not to be confused with Diabetes Type II, which has more to do with genetics and unhealthy lifestyle. You can be perfectly healthy and just "get" diabetes type I, though you usually do when you are younger. There is no cure, and Diabetes Type 1 MUST be treated with Insulin or YOU WILL DIE! Afterall, when a bad pancreas causes insulin production to stop, sugar can't get into your cells, and this is, as you might imagine, very bad.

So, imagine your pancreas has now stopped functioning properly. Let us walk through this experience.

You will notice that you have to drink water about every .012765 seconds and then about 5 seconds later you will have to use the bathroom - what water weight?

You will lose a ton of weight because your cells are basically being starved - a revolutionary diet plan!

Even though you're POSITIVE that you are full, you will still feel like you have plenty of room for that extra slice of pizza or birthday cake - but don't worry, because remember, you're losing weight! Eat whatever you want! Calories don't count!

However, the fun, unfortunately, must come to and end. All of those sleepless nights from having to get up and pee, all of those insane calorie-laden food-eating escapades; no, I am afraid they do not go on forever. You might just end up like me; strapped to a stretcher and whisked away to the ICU.

So now, insulin or death?

"YOU WANT ME TO DO WHAT BEFORE I EAT EVERY MEAL?!"

Two nurses corner me on my first day back to consciousness, needles on each side, and jab me. Tears stream down my face. I am usually well put-together but needles ... those hold a very deep-rooted place of hate within me.

You have no need to worry of my ever being a heroin addict, or any kind of drug that involves needles (well, nor any kind of drug, of course).

Because I fear the needle.

Let me say that again.

I HATE NEEDLES!

Ever since I was a little girl, I knew that needles and I did not get along. I dreaded every school shot, cried every time I had to get one, and if I saw anyone as a potential threat to my needle-less life I usually fled the room STAT, even to this day. I abandon all maturity, the blinds come off, and I am a freaking baby when it comes to getting shots.

So imagine my ecstatic joy when I found out I was diabetic.

For Diabetics, eating is quite a process.

1. Diabetics must first test their blood sugar before every meal. This requires a handy device called a lancet, which is basically a fancy word for "sharp object from the stone age required for pricking finger". Seriously. I can download an app for my phone that detects metal, but the best thing they have come up with to test my blood sugar involves a freaking needle? Where is the technology here?

2. Then, depending on my blood sugar level, I give myself a dose of short-acting insulin into an area of fat on my body. This means on my belly, my thighs, my butt, or the back of my arm (how I am supposed to give myself a shot on the back of the arm while pinching fat I have yet to figure out). I have these handy "insulin pens" I set up so I can inject myself. I have to clean the area, then pinch it, then insert the needle. Hold 10 seconds and enjoy the pain. Remove. This injection will cover the amount of insulin I need to digest my meal, because everyone knows that shots before meals are the perfect way to build an appetite!

3. So now I am all ready to eat. YUM! But wait - I can't eat just anything; I must carefully study the nutritional labels first. Previously I really only scanned these labels for the calorie count - yes, I will admit to being quite figure-conscious - but now the important thing to watch here is the carbohydrates. I challenge you to do that at your next meal. Count your carbs. I'm supposed to eat roughly 45 carbs per meal. Items higher than 60 carbs will probably send my blood sugar through the roof... but we have yet to test that on a milkshake yet!

I have eaten my meal. Now I am done with that whole ordeal, until my next meal, where I must do the process over again. So I get a minimum of 4 shots a day plus Blood Glucose tests. I am a walking, living, breathing, overused pincushion. For masochists, this would be a very fun and exciting experience. You get to hurt yourself AT EVERY MEAL!

Unfortunately, I do not have the good favor of having been born with masochistic tendencies. Only diabetic ones. This past week I have had to brave the needle and, let me tell you, if you have seen me (especially after all the weight loss) it is tough to keep finding fat to inject needles into! (This is not to say I want to be fat - come to think of it, I'm not sure I've ever seen a fat Type 1 diabetic).

Rest assured all you masochists and non-masochists out there, there's sure to be more updates on my learning to shoot up later (No - still not a druggie!)

So I hope you've been reasonably entertained enough to want to read more. More later...