My forehead began to sweat and I watched as my hand, covered in a latex glove, trembled erratically. My breath caught in my mouth and my heart sunk down low, picking up force and rapidity steadily. I swallowed and walked to the trashcan, pulling the gloves off of my hands, balling them up and tossing them away in disgust. I walked into the coat room, already knowing exactly what it is I was going to find:
52, staring at me on the screen, the tenth low over a 3-day period. I closed my eyes, trying to clear my head, and then throwing my meter down stormed into the dining hall. I grabbed an apple from the fruit basket on my way to the floor, sinking down in an utter state of mental and physical exhaustion. I bit into the apple, tasting salty tears as I did so. I fought the tears back, but it was like trying to hold back water behind a dam riddled from top to bottom with cracks. Tears began to roll down my face.
Oh, how I cried. This was the first time I had gone to any type of camp since being diagnosed with Diabetes. I've experienced a great deal of things with Diabetes, but this was all new to me. The physical work that we did for a good deal of the day with little break was very tiring. My friends and I were on Work Crew for Northland Church's Christmas camp. But as an ex-competitive gymnast, hard work was something that could be easily dealt with. I was able and strong enough. In fact, camp so far had been a wonderful experience. When it came to the work, my mind wasn't the problem, and neither was my stamina. It was my compromised body that was ultimately failing me, as my glucose levels just couldn't catch up and level out to adjust with the sudden increase in physical activity. Despite the lower amounts of insulin I had been giving myself, I had had 5 lows consecutively on Day 1, 3 on Day 2 and now, on Day 3, I was on the 2nd of the day, and it was only 11:15 AM.
My friend Trent walked over, saw me, and sat down next to me silently. His presence comforted me, reminding me that I wasn't alone, reminding me that my friends and the people close to me made this struggle to live with my disease worth it. But still, coping with the frustration of not being able to control my body was so frustrating. I was used to telling myself to do something, and then doing it - always. To find that now I couldn't always do that was a difficult pill to swallow, and I resented the fact.
Two months later, I stared at the meter screen. The meter at 9:00 AM had read 232, and it now read 545 after bolusing for breakfast and giving myself a correction dosage (to bring my levels down).
Two days later, my meter read 182 after going out to eat at my favourite pizza place 4 hours earlier. 3 hours later, the meter read 447. My mouth was so parched I could hardly swallow, and my body felt physically immovable. I suffered through the night with a bottle of water by my side.
My sugars have been doing exactly what they are not supposed to do; "roller-coasting".
High.
Low.
High.
High.
High.
Just right.
Low.
High.
Low.
... Wow, am I really 92? *Re-checks* Really? Seriously??
... Wow, am I really 92? *Re-checks* Really? Seriously??
Low.
Acceptable.
High.
I'm so over this. It seems as though every time I get my levels just right, and my insulin dosages spot-on... something causes them to change. Activity levels, insulin-to-carb ratio... the weather in Greece... someone sneezing across campus... I swear, my insulin ratios are as finicky as a 3 year old.
From December all the way until February, I just couldn't seem to get my levels in check. Sometimes they will be perfect, but most days my sugars won't miss a chance to read either something way too low, or something ridiculously high. I have no clue why all of the insulin changes are happening. Before Winter Break my insulin ratio was one level (12 to 1), then it changed and it took me a good 3 weeks to figure out that it was 6:1. Then, right after my endocrinologist visit in December it changed to about 9:1...and then after Christmas camp to 12:1... back to 8:1 again in February. These changes seem very small and infinitesimal to the healthy non-Diabetic, but in actuality they can make an enormous difference. Picture it this way:
If you think your insulin ratio is 10:1 and you eat 45 grams of carbs, you'll round up and give yourself 5 units of insulin. But if your ratio is 6:1, suddenly you need about 8 units. If each unit of insulin lowers your blood sugar by 50 mg/dL, your sugar will end up being about 150 milligrams per deciliters too high... which could be the difference between an "80" and a "230". That's an enormous difference, especially if you decide to have a slice of cake one evening. It works the opposite way too - if you think your insulin ratio is lower than it actually is, you will bolus too much and end up low every single time you eat.
This is the extreme frustration that I've lived through for 3 straight months. After a while it makes you fearful to eat carbs at all - I just can't pin my numbers down quite right and have resorted to living off of protein shakes and salads, mostly. It also changes your perception - 200 doesn't seem too bad when your levels have read 400 for the last 8 hours. But I have been so disappointed in myself, because 1. I tend to be hard on myself and 2. Once again I feel like a failure and feel as though people would look down upon me for not being able to properly control my blood sugars. After all, perception or no this is a very bad thing, because any way you look at it, your sugars simply shouldn't be at 200, especially when you're aiming for a target of 130.
In fact, it's this roller coaster of sugars that is so bad for those with Diabetes, and to my understanding is what causes a good deal of the future complications like Diabetic retinopathy and neuropathy, not to mention slower healing.
Great, huh?
Diabetes, can I please get off of this roller coaster now?
From December all the way until February, I just couldn't seem to get my levels in check. Sometimes they will be perfect, but most days my sugars won't miss a chance to read either something way too low, or something ridiculously high. I have no clue why all of the insulin changes are happening. Before Winter Break my insulin ratio was one level (12 to 1), then it changed and it took me a good 3 weeks to figure out that it was 6:1. Then, right after my endocrinologist visit in December it changed to about 9:1...and then after Christmas camp to 12:1... back to 8:1 again in February. These changes seem very small and infinitesimal to the healthy non-Diabetic, but in actuality they can make an enormous difference. Picture it this way:
If you think your insulin ratio is 10:1 and you eat 45 grams of carbs, you'll round up and give yourself 5 units of insulin. But if your ratio is 6:1, suddenly you need about 8 units. If each unit of insulin lowers your blood sugar by 50 mg/dL, your sugar will end up being about 150 milligrams per deciliters too high... which could be the difference between an "80" and a "230". That's an enormous difference, especially if you decide to have a slice of cake one evening. It works the opposite way too - if you think your insulin ratio is lower than it actually is, you will bolus too much and end up low every single time you eat.
This is the extreme frustration that I've lived through for 3 straight months. After a while it makes you fearful to eat carbs at all - I just can't pin my numbers down quite right and have resorted to living off of protein shakes and salads, mostly. It also changes your perception - 200 doesn't seem too bad when your levels have read 400 for the last 8 hours. But I have been so disappointed in myself, because 1. I tend to be hard on myself and 2. Once again I feel like a failure and feel as though people would look down upon me for not being able to properly control my blood sugars. After all, perception or no this is a very bad thing, because any way you look at it, your sugars simply shouldn't be at 200, especially when you're aiming for a target of 130.
In fact, it's this roller coaster of sugars that is so bad for those with Diabetes, and to my understanding is what causes a good deal of the future complications like Diabetic retinopathy and neuropathy, not to mention slower healing.
Great, huh?
Diabetes, can I please get off of this roller coaster now?
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