Scar Tissue That I Wish You Saw...

Where do you retreat to when you carry the wounded, hurting pieces of your broken life?

Well, for me, I take them here. I write them, because writing is my place of solace, my place of comfort.

It is also my place of darkness - my mind free flows into the words that I create, causing an endless chasm of emotions and thoughts to flood forth so effortlessly.

If there is anything I have learned these years, it's that I am broken. 

I am a broken human being, and I am not easily fixed.
I think I thought that I was fine - I tucked things away into the corners of my heart that I could not see, but I never really fixed the problems at all.

It's the beauty of life, to carry and display our broken pieces for the world to see. We carry on, day by day, oftentimes not realizing the pieces are even broken in the first place.

But listen to me - I'm rambling. What am I doing here?
It's 1 in the morning, and I have to be up early.
My heart is just so heavy today that I hope maybe writing will ease it, though I imagine there will be many sharp wounds opened from writing, too. Already I feel them.

I'm not here to name names, I'm just here to write how I see things. How I feel. It feels good to get things out, even if all of this will only make sense in the context of a few.

My name is Lacy Elizabeth Ball, and I am a genuinely positive person who has a wall that few people can see.
I genuinely don't want to hurt anyone.
My heart is hurting, and today it hurts particularly bad.

What do I do now?
Well, I go on living my life. People keep spreading rumours about me here, and about all of the things they believe I do. People speculate why I did it. People believe what they want to believe...
and I will let them. They will decide for themselves.
People will say what they want to about me.
People will say what they want and think what they think and don't know everything about it at all, or even close.
And it's ok. I just have to let them, and it's ok.

And I'll close my eyes, and ease my aching heart, and pray.
I pray that my heart will find peace, because lately all I want to do is cry.
It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and I think few people - even most of the people involved  - realize why I did it. I didn't do it to gain something superficial. I did it because there was something that told me to, that said "listen, this is going to be hard, and you're going to hurt, and a lot of people are going to hurt, but it's going to be ok."
You have no idea how much I wanted to change my mind! To change my mind. To take it back. To ease your hurt...
But then, you hurt me too. But I'm not counting. I will now let the hurt go, even though I do still feel it.

Ultimately, I only want you to know that love is not something that fades in time.
If it is true, it remains, sometimes quiet, sometimes loud, on days like this.
That can mean everything, or nothing - you form attachments to people, people leave their mark and you leave yours, and forever there are remnants, colours, pieces, left in place, that do not go away.
My art teacher once said life is like a canvas, and everyone you meet adds a stroke to the painting...
Leave it uncovered, cover it up, it's always still there. Those brush marks. Those ones.

You're a wonderful person. I love your quirks, your humor, your stories and your songs. I love the way you speak, and the serious, genuine things you say.
My heart outpours with love for you, even if you think that I shoved you away, that I chose someone else over you, that I did this out of hate or to purposefully make you suffer. Truly, it was none of those things, but it was no one single thing. It was many.
Was it selfless? No, not in the least. I did it as much for me as I did you.
It hurts so bad, but for here and for now, I have to stick with it. I think God is telling me it will be ok, and that this is part of his plan.
I'm so scared. I don't know how this fits into any plan. For so long, you were the plan.
Adnd I know I'm selfish, I'm a fool, I make mistakes. I have made many.
You make mistakes, too. You were a fool at times, too.
But this all has purpose.
Does it God?
I have to believe it does.

You may never see why I had to. You may never see that behind my smile, this wall was still there, and I realized that I needed to fix it - and that there were things inside of yourself that you needed, and need, to fix, too.
Until I trust God more and take down these walls I have built around myself, I cannot move forward, and neither could you. Something is going to change. And God will see to it that it's good.
I pray your heart is eased too, and that blessings pour upon you, and that you are covered in so much love and good things and joy that you needn't ever feel lonely or empty or sad. I love you so much no matter what, and I'm at ease with saying I always will, and that I always want the best for you.

This writing is all part of healing for me. For those of you for whom this makes no sense, disregard it and I'll write a new (Diabetes related) blog soon. But for those for whom it does make sense, I hope maybe this will shed more light... maybe. I'm not hear to disprove any rumours, because ultimately, it's not rumours or gossip that matter. Rumours and gossip will always exist, no matter what. There are so many different sides to a story, depending on who you ask. Which side you believe is not my concern, because it can't be, even if it stings sometimes. Think what you wish. I'm not even here to say my side is right. Everyone is at fault. I'm not blameless, neither is anyone. But I know that God washes all of that away, for you and for me, and so I'll let it go and let it be.

I'm just here to share my heart, and what's on it, and so here it is.

Isaiah 43 18 “Do not remember the former things, Nor consider the things of old. 
19 Behold, I will do a new thing, 
Now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? 
I will even make a road in the wilderness 
And rivers in the desert.

Rainy Days, Hide Sunny Skies.

Rain falling

on my windowpane

spirit crawling

for the light again

I lost the light in me

sent it away

I destroyed one beautiful thing

for hope of a sunny day

And now I see

all my life was clouds

where the rain fell before,

the grey will fall away now

the rain drips down my face

echoing my soul

somber, subtle, subdued

for all those years it stole

the storm rages on

but now I'll close my eyes

waiting on the sun

to find those clear blue skies.

Three Years, Over 5,000 Injections Later.

Today is the third year anniversary of my diagnosis with Diabetes.

For three years, I have ceremoniously acknowledged this date, marveling at the passage of time and the new struggles that each day living with an autoimmune disease bring.

Certain things stick (no pun intended, well, maybe) out in my memory more than others -

Two nurses injecting needles on both sides of my arm.

Crying in the hospital shower, feeling utterly more alone than I ever had.

My friend handing me a new journal to write my story in, prompting the inspiration of this blog.

The first time at home that my sugar was 103; a normal level.

The time I went to Zaxby's and had a birthday cake milkshake, and came out successfully at 180 mg/dL.

The man I met in the comic book shop with the insulin pump.

But I remember it all.
Diabetes has enveloped me into a bubble - there is the world, and then there is me, and Diabetics like me. Everything I see is through the iridescent filter of the bubble - before food comes carb counting, before a trip comes the supplies checklist, before I leave the house - do I have a snack?
Because Diabetes isn't just Diabetes. It's Diabetes + everything single other thing going on in your life at the same time. No breaks, no time out.

Every year, it gets harder and easier. I know what to expect, but I also face constant new surprises. Day in, day out I treat this disease, but wonder if I will ever find the day come that I face the ramifications of all the high blood sugars...

Every year, I'm a little more worn down, a little more empowered to keep trudging forward, all the more ready for a cure. 

Someone recently described to me that the obstacles in your life prepare you to handle and obtain the skills that you will need further on in life. That you earn skills through your struggles - you learn to overcome, and thus you become stronger.

This is some of the best advice that I've gotten in a while. I am a positive person, but often I feel worn down, discouraged from the many struggles I have faced through the years, that are very big indeed to me. But when I try and think about how these experiences have shaped me, and have given me skills through the growth I experience through overcoming them - it gives me a sense of empowerment, and is very uplifting to my soul. And it's exactly this kind of focus that I need to keep facing Diabetes and fighting with my best foot forward -

To constantly take my skills and improve. And what skills have I earned from the years?

To value life. 

To learn to truly sense and be aware of my body and what it is trying to tell me.

To face the challenges necessary of me because it is what I must do to live.

To take my determination for a normal life in spite of Diabetes and use it to push forward.

To gain a better appreciation for a healthy lifestyle.
To never leave the house without a snack... or two... or three.
Always double check how much insulin is left in my pen.
Remember to say "yes" to the birthday cake every once in a while.
To see the positives, no matter what, even if it takes a little bit of sorting through the negatives to get there.
That Diabetes doesn't have to make you weaker, if you use it as a tool to strengthen and enrich your character.
Share my struggles with others. It's my burden, but talking helps.
To multitask.
To handle discouragement, disappointment, stress and guilt every day... take it in stride, and start anew tomorrow.
To never lose hope.

This is my life. Like it or not, this is what I've been dealt.
My struggles, my challenges, my joys, my disease make me who I am, and while I'm not perfect, I'm proud of this fact.
And I'm blessed. I'm so blessed, because I'm surrounded by people who care and who love me, regardless of whether or not they know everything there is to know about Diabetes. Sometimes, all it takes is a question, a knowing smile, or a listening ear to ease some of the weight off of your shoulders.
So here's to more  years - not more years of Diabetes, well, that's a given - but more years of living, of truly living, which means to live and learn and fill your heart with joy and new experiences no matter what the hardships and external things are that you face.

To living - to milkshakes - to fridges full of insulin - to blood sugars under 180 mg/dL - I'll toast a Coke Zero (or water, sorry mom) to that any day.

Just Musing, Really.

I wish I knew what I was doing.

But lately, the time passes, and the less I know. 

The months have flown by - August to September, October to December, January to March. 

I've been through three cars in two months, my stress levels have looked eerily similar to a high speed roller coaster, and my life feels like... a big question mark, well sometimes it does. 

I'm tired! Really, I am. The responsibilities keep piling up around me 

My emotions are constantly in flux

Not going to grad school? Guess I'll find a job
Going to grad school? Guess I'll find some loans
Work on as much as my body can sustain

Continue to live for the nights where I can eat giant hamburgers at the Vortex in princess dresses

Even though my blood sugars pay for it later.

Well, I'm holding on

To the last vestiges of the life I have built around myself. 

Meanwhile change lies before me as apparent and solid as the graduation invites I print out for my friends and family

I close my eyes and envision my life

And I have very little, now;

I have very little firm and solid plans
One dream before me to hold onto in the dark

And really, all I have besides is a burning passion inside me

A fire

To live life to the best and fullest

To make a lasting impact on the world, one little action at a time

To find meaning

To create purpose

To gain new experiences everywhere.

And I am me
I will keep pushing forward
Every day another reminder
Of the reason why I choose to push on
Every day a new step
In the journey that is life

And the journey begins today.