Scar Tissue That I Wish You Saw...

Where do you retreat to when you carry the wounded, hurting pieces of your broken life?

Well, for me, I take them here. I write them, because writing is my place of solace, my place of comfort.

It is also my place of darkness - my mind free flows into the words that I create, causing an endless chasm of emotions and thoughts to flood forth so effortlessly.

If there is anything I have learned these years, it's that I am broken. 

I am a broken human being, and I am not easily fixed.
I think I thought that I was fine - I tucked things away into the corners of my heart that I could not see, but I never really fixed the problems at all.

It's the beauty of life, to carry and display our broken pieces for the world to see. We carry on, day by day, oftentimes not realizing the pieces are even broken in the first place.

But listen to me - I'm rambling. What am I doing here?
It's 1 in the morning, and I have to be up early.
My heart is just so heavy today that I hope maybe writing will ease it, though I imagine there will be many sharp wounds opened from writing, too. Already I feel them.

I'm not here to name names, I'm just here to write how I see things. How I feel. It feels good to get things out, even if all of this will only make sense in the context of a few.

My name is Lacy Elizabeth Ball, and I am a genuinely positive person who has a wall that few people can see.
I genuinely don't want to hurt anyone.
My heart is hurting, and today it hurts particularly bad.

What do I do now?
Well, I go on living my life. People keep spreading rumours about me here, and about all of the things they believe I do. People speculate why I did it. People believe what they want to believe...
and I will let them. They will decide for themselves.
People will say what they want to about me.
People will say what they want and think what they think and don't know everything about it at all, or even close.
And it's ok. I just have to let them, and it's ok.

And I'll close my eyes, and ease my aching heart, and pray.
I pray that my heart will find peace, because lately all I want to do is cry.
It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and I think few people - even most of the people involved  - realize why I did it. I didn't do it to gain something superficial. I did it because there was something that told me to, that said "listen, this is going to be hard, and you're going to hurt, and a lot of people are going to hurt, but it's going to be ok."
You have no idea how much I wanted to change my mind! To change my mind. To take it back. To ease your hurt...
But then, you hurt me too. But I'm not counting. I will now let the hurt go, even though I do still feel it.

Ultimately, I only want you to know that love is not something that fades in time.
If it is true, it remains, sometimes quiet, sometimes loud, on days like this.
That can mean everything, or nothing - you form attachments to people, people leave their mark and you leave yours, and forever there are remnants, colours, pieces, left in place, that do not go away.
My art teacher once said life is like a canvas, and everyone you meet adds a stroke to the painting...
Leave it uncovered, cover it up, it's always still there. Those brush marks. Those ones.

You're a wonderful person. I love your quirks, your humor, your stories and your songs. I love the way you speak, and the serious, genuine things you say.
My heart outpours with love for you, even if you think that I shoved you away, that I chose someone else over you, that I did this out of hate or to purposefully make you suffer. Truly, it was none of those things, but it was no one single thing. It was many.
Was it selfless? No, not in the least. I did it as much for me as I did you.
It hurts so bad, but for here and for now, I have to stick with it. I think God is telling me it will be ok, and that this is part of his plan.
I'm so scared. I don't know how this fits into any plan. For so long, you were the plan.
Adnd I know I'm selfish, I'm a fool, I make mistakes. I have made many.
You make mistakes, too. You were a fool at times, too.
But this all has purpose.
Does it God?
I have to believe it does.

You may never see why I had to. You may never see that behind my smile, this wall was still there, and I realized that I needed to fix it - and that there were things inside of yourself that you needed, and need, to fix, too.
Until I trust God more and take down these walls I have built around myself, I cannot move forward, and neither could you. Something is going to change. And God will see to it that it's good.
I pray your heart is eased too, and that blessings pour upon you, and that you are covered in so much love and good things and joy that you needn't ever feel lonely or empty or sad. I love you so much no matter what, and I'm at ease with saying I always will, and that I always want the best for you.

This writing is all part of healing for me. For those of you for whom this makes no sense, disregard it and I'll write a new (Diabetes related) blog soon. But for those for whom it does make sense, I hope maybe this will shed more light... maybe. I'm not hear to disprove any rumours, because ultimately, it's not rumours or gossip that matter. Rumours and gossip will always exist, no matter what. There are so many different sides to a story, depending on who you ask. Which side you believe is not my concern, because it can't be, even if it stings sometimes. Think what you wish. I'm not even here to say my side is right. Everyone is at fault. I'm not blameless, neither is anyone. But I know that God washes all of that away, for you and for me, and so I'll let it go and let it be.

I'm just here to share my heart, and what's on it, and so here it is.

Isaiah 43 18 “Do not remember the former things, Nor consider the things of old. 
19 Behold, I will do a new thing, 
Now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? 
I will even make a road in the wilderness 
And rivers in the desert.