New Reality

Argh what a hassle. My life is too busy to handle Diabetes. Lately life with my disease has just been... inconvenient.

Last weekend I sat, as a "Blue Princess", at the table, looking at the pizza in front of me and sighed. Someone loaded chips and cookies onto my plate. I smiled politely. The girls and guests would expect me, the princess, to eat. I had not told my customers that I had Diabetes. I very rarely do. My gloves cover my medical ID bracelet - no one ever asks, anyways. So I ate the pizza, and sighed. I worried about my blood sugar untul the party ended - thankfully, working with kids always drives my sugars down, so I was only 142.

With Diabetes, even the little things could - and usually do - become more difficult. Small things you take for granted and don't consider grow suddenly complicated with the weighted burden of (in my opinion) one of the most difficult to manage chronic illnesses there is.

Sometimes I am just so busy that Diabetes should take the backburner - I certainly have no time for it. I'm late for a show and have to drive halfway across Atlanta, while changing from princess Cinderella to a clown, in 45 minutes. But I'm low and I need to eat and I still have to input the right address into the GPS. Did I remember to grab all my paintbrushes from the last show? Hope so...

It's right before a test and I'm rushing across campus, about to make it to the classroom, but suddenly left shaking as I walk into the building. I have to check my blood sugar and make sure to treat it before going in. What if I forgot a snack in my backpack, or ate them already? What about when Physiology Lab runs late, it's 6 'o clock, and I'm low because I've had to skip dinner?

What about when you're at someone's house and they lovingly cook up a nice, delicious, warm batch of... pasta? They serve the plate for you? You can't weigh or measure it to get even a ballpark estimate of the carbs?
What if you suddenly realize you forgot your meter and insulin at home?

It's hectic. Diabetes complicates things, but I suppose that that's the nature of life. It's full of complications, but we move on. Overcome them. It's been nearly a year now --- one year with Diabetes, and it's hard for me to believe. Almost one year ago since I woke up in a hospital room and received news that forever changed my life, that forever changed me. Almost one year since I almost died. Almost one year since I've had a delicious XL 7-11 coke Slurpee.

Sometimes I wish I'd never gotten the disease. In a masochistic way I don't mind it, as it gives me a platform, something to stand up for. I like to talk about it. I like to share my experiences. But mostly I just wish that, one morning, I could wake up and be well again. I miss being healthy. I miss not having to live in Diabetes' constant shadow. I should be in charge of my body, not Diabetes.

But the simple fact is that I'm not. I'm not in charge anymore. I'm in charge of my treatment, sure - but when it comes down to it, I'm just here to try and fix everything that my body now messes up. Diabetes has changed things... a lot.
I don't want to think that I'll forget what it was like to live without my disease, to eat without testing my Blood Sugar, or never feeling the sting of an insulin needle in my skin, or having to worry about what foods will do to my blood sugar. To reminisce about what it would feel like to set the mental calculator aside and, for once, not look at the back of the packaging and see the nutrition label. To never have to keep the count the carbs in my head.
But sometimes I think I am forgetting. That kind of freedom is such a foreign concept to me now. I have dreams of eating a Chick Fil A sandwich and not having to so much as bolus for it. Eating a sandwich is something you take for granted until you suddenly can't do it anymore - not without insulin, anyways.

This life - this disease - has become my new reality for almost a year now, and like it or not, I'm in it for the long haul. My life is full of busy, but my schedule will have to make room for insulin shots, and testing, and lows or highs. But hey - I don't forget to count my blessings. At least I'm alive to complain about it. Because whether I like it or not, managing Diabetes has been, and will always be, better than my other option.

That Awkward Moment When You're Dressed as Cinderella at a Stoplight

Well, it hit me this weekend that I have been out of school for a week as of tomorrow and I have been an absolute waste of life since then.

Like seriously. Something about finally being done with high school makes me feel like a loser every time I spend the whole day sitting around in PJ's watching TV and doing semi-productive things on the computer all day. In high school it is as if you are expected to do things like that, but now my conscience seems to be telling me, "You are acting like a LOSER! STOP BEING A WASTE OF LIFE!"

For the most part, I mainly ignore my conscious and go on my merry business.

And yet - yet -- it's true.
I haven't filled out the rest of my scholarship forms, remained mainly lethargic, my truck still sits out in the driveway unwashed, and I've taken to cleaning my room in my boredom so, needless to say, it's OCD spotless.
I guess I am simply enjoying not having to take 18 credit hours, not doing any summer classes, and simply treating myself to the all-too-rare feeling of (almost - as close as I'll ever get) having absolutely nothing to do.

But this week I had it with the constant conscience-nagging and managed to arouse myself from post-high school lethargy. It started with a Cinderella job this morning, because making money is an awesome way to spend time in a productive manner.

In case you're unfamiliar with my job, allow me to clue you in. I work for my mother (it's a love boss-hate boss relationship) and we do party entertainment. I dress up as a clown, or princess, or batgirl, a number of things. I face paint, twist balloons, and do children's parties. Overall it's an awesome job, including the awkward stares you get as Cinderella when you're at a stoplight and the catcalls when you're in 7-11 in a cowgirl outfit. (I sympathize with the Elvis impersonator).

So, today I was Cinderella for a group of adorable little girls.

Enter Diabetes.

I was in the middle of painting today when it hit me.
Trying to face paint an already squirming kid with a shaking, low blood-sugary hand is, to say, difficult.
I had been cautious as I am nowadays and brought my "emergency" pack of rice cakes with me. I got one out and munched on one as subtly as I could, cringing at how unprofessional I must seem.

"Cinderella is fine." I told the girl I was face painting. "She is just fine. She just needs to eat because her fairy godmother forgot to give her time for breakfast."

Ugh.

I've been so teeter-totter, back and forth about my emotions about having Diabetes that lately the best way I can describe it is saying I have "mixed feelings". Some days I'm happy, hopeful, inspired, other days I'm sad, angry, downtrodden, discouraged, annoyed, other days I'm just plain neutral. I wonder if I'll always feel like this? Part of me thinks, yes, I just might.

Don't get me wrong, I can accept my condition, it's just the equivalent of an emotional dinosaur at times. You can't take it all at once; It's a lot to handle. But filling up my schedule helps, as does just remembering to take things slow.
Diabetes is a day-to-day experience, each day bringing new struggles and triumphs.
I can only take it one bit at a time, smile at the little things, be thankful for being alive another day, and fight my battles one by one.

My battles for this week:

- Wash the car
- (Minor) shopping trip
- Pack for GA
- Valencia Community College Graduation - Finally!
- And, best of all, a trip to GA this Sunday!

Clowning Around

Hi there, I'm becoming a masochist. Because now I seem to think that Blood Glucose testing is fun.

It doesn't help when your meter case just so happens to be really cute.

Observe: Meter Case. (I have about 5 cases and just as many meters and lancets. Thankyou, hospital, for ensuring that I have all the equipment I need in order to harm myself.)

If you are wondering why I appear to be dressed like a clown, well, it is because I am a clown. Now before you stop reading my blog forever, please, put your fears of clowns aside. I'm not going to bite you. I don't kill little children in their sleep at night. And hopefully I do not appear to be overly creepy or give off that tell-tale "stalker" vibe. (But I'll explain my job later. Back to hippie meter cases, and all the fun presents they contain inside).

Lancets (finger-pricky-thingies):

Death by lancet?

Seen below: Blood Glucose Meter. (Note: this picture was taking earlier in the day, when I was not dressed like a clown. I possess neither the ability to change the time of day according to whim nor have the willpower to change out of my clown outfit that fast.)

This meter shown here is my favorite - I received two brands, Accucheck and The One Touch Ultra 2, two of each. The one I am pictured holding is the One Touch Ultra 2. (Notice the friggin' PERFECT blood sugar. 83 BG. Boo-Yah!)

I prefer my One Touch because it's just so darn COOL. Unlike the Accucheck, it doesn't just check my blood sugar (because, seriously, how stone age would that be? A blood glucose meter that only checks blood sugar? What good is that for?)

I like it because I can write little notes after I test, like specifying "before" or "after" meals, and "feeling hypo", "too much food","too much exercise", etc. (The "too much food" note gets its fair share of use. Heh.)

It also can tell me my result average for before and after meals, and for all of my results. This thing has pretty much everything, including the kitchen sink. So much so that sometimes I like to play with it just for fun. Or I'll get bored and feel like testing my blood sugar, as if pricking myself with a lancet and testing my blood was the kind of thing that every child wants to do with their spare time.

When I get around to it, I'd even like to write a letter to the meter companies with more suggestions on how they could make their product bigger and better (so to speak). It would go something like this:

Good Day, Meter Company! I am in possession of one of your meters and would like to make just a few suggestions. Firstly, you should add some games to your meter. Blood Sugar testing would be so much more fun if you could play Tetrus, Solitaire, and that annoyingly addictive air traffic controller game all while enjoying the comforts of playing scientist trans-blood testing at home. I think I would check my blood sugar about 50+ times a day. Second, I think that you should make your meters "smart meters". Right now they are kind of dumb I'm afraid. By "smart" I mean that after doing a test, you should get feedback from your meter based on your results. Quirky comments like, "Your blood sugar is over 200? Sheesh, lay off the cupcakes!", "I'm sorry, but your blood sugar is too low. Game over. You lose.", and, "Stop getting high, you pothead" are all perfectly acceptable.

In addition, I would greatly appreciate an attachable candy dispenser (err, only for in the case of low blood sugar, of course.) Those glucose tabs just aren't doin' it for me.

Yours sincerely,

Lacy Ball.

Moving the topic away from meters themselves, it's pretty crazy, being a diabetic and watching your blood sugar levels. You get the strangest results. Like, I'll test at 51 BG in the morning, and then be 301 before lunch for no apparent reason. What.the.hell? My blood sugars have THE WORST sense of humour ever. I swear they throw in those "45's" and "453's" just to screw with me. They'll tease me with good levels for a while and then all of a sudden, "BAM!" 400!, or, *PING* 42! If my blood sugars could talk, I'm pretty sure they'd have a lot of interesting things to say. Until then, I simply amuse myself daily by playing the "let's see what my blood sugar is after eating this" game.

And if test strips weren't so darn expensive (about $ 1.00 a test strip, or nearly $100 for a pack of 100!) I might do it a lot more often, finger pricking or no. But as it is, I'm testing about 4-5 times a day, and if you do the math, you see how quickly those pricey little test strips go. So, until Medicaid kicks in (it will only last until I turn 19, but that's a blog for a different day), I'll stick with tests before meals and before bed. I did indulge my eccentricities today and test after lunch, however, and it was only 117! (Now that's pretty good for a newly-diagnosed diabetic whose blood sugar is often all over the place.) With the exception of this weekend and eating WAY too much food than I should have, which wacked out my blood sugar for the next two days, my blood sugar has been - dare I say it? - behaving suspiciously well these past 2 weeks. According to my blood sugar average of 147, my A1C is roughly 6.74%, which is really good. (I attached a link for diabetic-illiterates, in case you don't know what A1C is.)

However, I'm not going to get too excited about these levels - when diabetics (Type 1, I don't know if this goes for Type 2 since their pancreas can still technically make insulin) are first diagnosed, once they start on insulin they enter a "Honeymoon Period". This can last anywhere from 2 months to a year, and during this time our pancreas is still making a little bit of insulin. So blood sugar is more behaved, you usually require less insulin, and A1C is often at fantastic levels. Unfortunately, I know the time will come when my poor little pancreas goes kaput for good, and then my A1C will probably skyrocket and make my daily diabetes struggle just a little bit harder.

But until then, I'm playing cheerleader, rooting my dysfunctional little pancreas on;

And "clowning around."

Literally.

One Large Milkshake and an Artificial Pancreas, Please.

It's been a week since I ended up in the ICU at Florida Hospital.

Life has changed, and it really isn't the same in any respects.

It is settling into a more normal rhythm for me, though.

This morning I woke up at around 8.

*Whhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee*

Hi-pitched buzzing filled my ears.

I almost miss the hospital - no mosquitoes. (And I had a big screen TV!)

Sleep impossible, I rolled over, feeling happy and luxurious in the same little day bed I've had since the 4th grade. My comforter was comfy, my pillows were fluffy, and sleep has just felt so GOOD lately - it was nice, even with the insect alarm-clock.

It is at this point that I remember I am diabetic and it is time to test my blood sugar. That always nags at me a little in the morning now - I am a little hesitant to sleep in too late, worried my blood sugar might be off and I'm slowly killing myself with my laziness.

I open my eyes - perfect vision without glasses, again - the doctor said my eyes would be strange for a while and he is definitely right about that.

Well, that was nice. You have no idea how amazing that is to me. I usually cannot even see my hand in front of my face without it being blurry but lately my eyesight is close to - okay, not quite - perfect. Isn't that so... WEIRD?! Unfortunately, I seem to be having a hard time focusing on close-up things - so it's like I've gone from nearsighted to farsighted literally overnight, after suffering from myopia (nearsighted-ness) for eight years. I hope my eyes get back to normal soon (Or better yet, I don't need glasses/contacts anymore!) I'd be perfectly happy with that - tit for tat, you might say, as if gaining back perfect vision might compensate a little for having diabetes now. I wonder if diabetes has always affected my eyesight for the worse or if this is just my body's way of evening out again. Probably the latter. Anyways, for the record, I would rather be nearsighted than farsighted. All this straining is giving me a headache. But I digress.

I get up and pick up the familiar black case with my blood-glucose testing supplies. My room is like a walk-in pharmacy now. Ketostrips, alcohol wipes, lancets, extra blood glucose testers, diabetes textbooks, calorie and nutrition fact books, syringes, needles, glucose tablets, insulin pens, emergency glucagon kit - you name it, I probably have it. I clean my finger with alcohol and make sure my lancet is ready to go - I pick a relatively un-pricked spot on my finger, press the lancet down, hesitate for a second. This is going to hurt. But the longer I wait, the harder it is, so I brace and press - there now, that wasn't so bad. Hardly hurt at all. I squeeze my finger until the blood pinprick pools and then slip a testing strip into the meter. Test. My blood glucose is 107 this morning, nearly perfect. (Normal blood sugar is 80 - 110 for a person without diabetes). That is probably the best it has been in weeks. I felt great, and now I had the blood sugar to prove it. "Mom!" I yelled excitedly. "My blood sugar was only 107 this morning!" It is amazing what manages to please me now.

Ah, the little things.

I take a shower first. This may seem random but this is actually a well-planned strategy. If I take my insulin first, I have to eat, but then I can't take a hot shower for at least 90 minutes because the insulin might not absorb properly. So I take my shower first, get ready, then make my breakfast. I get out the ingredients, counting carbs on the nutrition labels. I plan to start making a list of my favorite Diabetes-friendly foods so I can better control my blood sugar in the future. For now I am still experimenting. This morning I decide on an egg sandwich. I need to be careful and try and eat lean meats when possible, as diabetics are susceptible to heart disease. So I try to get the yolk out and only eat the white; but when I fork out the yolk, there is just about nothing left to eat! That can't be right. I sigh, give up, and just crack another whole egg into the bowl. Screw lean meats, I will eat my egg this morning. I fry it up, toast some bread and plop the egg onto the bread. Ta-da; a yummy sandwich! I prepare to take a bite.

"Oh wait," I remember.

I forgot to take my insulin shot.

I sigh and grab my dose table, alcohol wipe, needle, and insulin pen. Picking a suitable place and swabbing at it with the alcohol, I press the needle to my skin, wince, and pierce it. I press down the button to inject all of my insulin, careful to hold the needle under the skin for at least 10 seconds to make sure I got it all. Yesterday morning I accidentally missed a few drops of insulin and my blood sugar had to high levels to show for it. I am now free to eat my breakfast.

I spend the rest of the morning enjoying myself and playing catch-up on the week of school I've missed. Finals are this month but as stressed as I SHOULD be, the rest of life has taken to the backseat for now as diabetes seems to come first these days. It's funny, I am so much more mellow about things than I used to be. I find I am far less easily irritated, stressed, or upset. I just sort of roll with things now. They don't seem to be as big a deal as they once did.

In a way, it's a blessing - it's like I've matured 10 years in the past one week. I find myself appreciating blunt honesty nowadays rather than beating around the bush like my old, bottle-it-up self used to do. I find I am far more willing to be vulnerable and open up with people about my emotions and my life, whereas before I treated my private life as one big, exclusive secret under lock-and-key. I am thankful for every little thing, from my heart beating another day to my wonderful relationship with my boyfriend, which has felt so fluid and easy and happy these past few days it's really been impossible for me not to be in a good mood. Even my relationships with the rest of the people I live my life close to seem to have improved. I'm easily happy over the little things and brimming with topics to have a conversation with. It's funny and strange how diabetes has warped my perspective and changed who I am - but not in a bad way. I feel as if, even though it is a terrible illness, part of me was always waiting to find out I was diabetic so that I could grow up and learn from it. I am learning and changing and shaping again, hopefully for the better.

I check my blood sugar for lunch. It is over 300. "Ugh." I sigh. And I was doing so well. A little disheartened, I adjust my insulin and give myself a bigger dose to cover my higher blood sugar levels. Lunch is a tuna fish sandwich and an apple. Tuna is a very heart-healthy meat, I've been told, so we will likely see a lot of each other in the years to come.

My mother and I leave for a clown job. I grab my usual face painting supplies and this time, my "diabetes kit", which is a pack I put together holding all of my insulin and necessary testing supplies, nutrition book, and emergency kits. We face paint for three hours on a hot field, where the kids are sweating faster than we can stick the face paint on. The sights and smells of the festival are tempting and I find it is hard for me to look at many of the teens my age on the field, living perfectly healthy, non-diabetic lives. I enviously yet subtlety observe people as, carefree, they enjoy hotdogs and treats of cotton candy and popcorn, things I cannot eat unless I carefully fit them into my eating schedule and check to make sure they do not have too many carbs. I sip my diet coke in quiet and go on painting faces. I am hot and sweaty and sure this will make my blood sugar go down.

When we are done I test my blood sugar and I am right, it is now down to only 85. I am due for something to eat so we stop at Panera. Insulin pen and nutrition book in hand, I peruse the menu to find a meal not too high on carbs and then sigh as I go over to the drinks and get myself some UN-sweet iced tea. I pour in artificial sugar, try it, and make a face. "Gross," I say, dumping the concoction out, and settling for an equally less-satisfying diet pepsi instead.

One of my biggest regrets is not pigging out more before I got diabetes.

Our order comes up, and I excuse myself to the bathroom. I walk into the handicap stall, lock the door behind me, and hitch up my clown costume. Prepping my insulin pen, I pull it out of my pocket and give myself my quick and necessary injection before going back out to the main room. I am getting the hang of insulin shots but I still mourn the ease and simplicity of a normal life.

Truth is, I am terribly jealous of all of you reading this - most of you, hopefully, perfectly healthy individuals. It is hard to watch people be normal and then exhaust myself over making my body pretend to be. And still that is not always good enough. I am prone to kidney failure, heart disease, blindness, feet problems, and many complications if I do not keep my blood sugar in check. I need to start getting my highs and lows in check and stop having my blood sugar bounce all over the place. I do want to live a long and healthy life and I am learning that one of the hardest part about diabetes is not just simply getting used to needles and a strict diet, but doing what is necessary to keep my blood sugar in check as much as I can, at all times. It is very exhausting to manage that through a balance of good eating, correct amounts of insulin, exercise, and yet not overexerting myself. I feel like I am on a scale and I just can't get it balanced - it keeps rocking back and forth, back and forth, and I can't get it to hold steady in between.

So now I have concluded my day and I am craving an entire box of Krispy Kreme Donuts.

No, not just one donut.

The.Entire.Freaking.Box.

Screw calories, screw however pig-like and utterly disgusting it might be, give me a day without diabetes and I would freaking eat the ENTIRE box of donuts simply because I CAN. No joke. I would STUFF MY FACE WITH JUNK FOOD!

So go. Go out there, and go live. Here's my advice: go get something extremely calorie-laden, extremely unhealthy, and go eat it. Go ENJOY it. Right now. Because you never know if you will ever be able to enjoy something like that again. Because, trust me, life-changing things can happen literally in a day's time.

Never take milkshakes for granted.