And I'm sorry. I'm sorry if you've been around me and I've seemed off, or upset, or tired, or sad or moody or angry. Because I have been, and that's not a good thing.
I shouldn't be, but lately I have been unhappy and more times than note I can pinpoint just the reason why I have been discontent. I know what it is, and I am stubborn.
(Please note, I'm just writing on my point of view here - everyone has different views, this is just my musing.)
I know that I have been putting to much worry on my mind and less trust in God. Awhile back, I had a really good conversation about idols with a friend. I was reminded that idols can mean a lot more than we can consider. In fact, idols are technically anything you put before God. This conversation stuck with me because so many times in my life I can count, and count, and count where I have made idols out of so many things and pushed God to the wayside. Whether it's school - I'm "too busy" to worry about God, or my troubles, when I'm angry at God and know he's there and don't want to talk to him, I choose not to. Or work - I've put my faith in money before. I like nice things, and I've put those before God too, especially when I'm upset something isn't working or I've lost something, I tend to get tunnel vision and fixate on it. But more than anything I think my big flaw is that I idolize people and I need to be careful about that. In the past I can see so many times where this has caused me unhappiness. As Sylvia Plath once wrote, "I either like people too much or not at all", and really, that's so true. That isn't too say that I dislike people - I get along with most people, in fact, and tend to err on the side of thinking well of everyone that I can. I try to reserve my judgement on others and give everyone kindness and respect for the sheer sake of doing so. But, I do tend to do this at a distance. I'm an introvert who has learned to deal with people because of the nature of my extroverted job (party entertainment). I have learned to talk, engage. Is it just motions? Well, no. It's part of me. But that's just it:
It's just part of me. The real pieces of myself, the truths of me, I reserve for very few people. I'm a relatively private person - things like this are hard for me to share, and make me vulnerable, though I want to share them. It's the reason why I have a lot of acquaintances but only a handful of very close friends. And I'm ok with that, honest I prefer it. But it can be lonely sometimes, so I get really overjoyed when I do find those few people I really can connect with, and I tend to pour too much faith and energy into them.
And there is a lot of my trouble, and yet another problem: I idolize my trouble, in a sense. I block out the world when I'm upset, push it away and dwell on things in my own head. I don't want to talk. I get upset and don't act myself. And that's unhealthy really, and embarrassing, and it's hard to change that habit about me. I worry. I worry about making enough money with my business and reaching a quota per month. I worry about Diabetes and have pity parties sometimes when my sugars aren't on par, I beat myself up. And I put too much faith in other people, but a lot of my hopes for happiness in them no matter how temporary, and get hurt a lot for me. And I do these things again, and again, and again. My idols - the things that distract me from God - and true enough, my troubles and worry that burden me do come from this fact. The bible has a lot to say about idols:
1 Samuel 12:21 states,
"Do not turn away after useless idols. They can do you no good, nor can they rescue you, because they are useless."
Jonah 2:8 writes,
"Those who pay regard to vain idols forsake their hope of steadfast love."
Psalm 16:4 writes,
"The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply; their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out or take their names on my lips."
And I realize this perception of why I find myself unhappy a lot is much different for other people. Trouble itself is hard - I might sound like a "Jesus Freak", but I'm just trying to break it down from the standpoint of my faith and interpret it from that perspective. The more I talk to other believers though, as well as people in general, I can see how this concept of idolatry is harmful to me. Anything I put before God is an idol.
I wasn't always like this, honestly. I used to not talk about my faith a lot, but honestly I like this a whole lot better. There are a lot of things I can interpret about my life from the concept of my faith, and it's important to me. It's gotten me through hard times, and lifted me up in good. It's been my rock, my logic, my understanding my whole life, and it has been a delight to watch myself grow, as flawed as I am and as imperfect of a Christian I may be. I feel that at least I am on the right path to growing closer in my faith to God, thanks to a lot of guidance, and I'm grateful.
I wasn't always like this, honestly. I used to not talk about my faith a lot, but honestly I like this a whole lot better. There are a lot of things I can interpret about my life from the concept of my faith, and it's important to me. It's gotten me through hard times, and lifted me up in good. It's been my rock, my logic, my understanding my whole life, and it has been a delight to watch myself grow, as flawed as I am and as imperfect of a Christian I may be. I feel that at least I am on the right path to growing closer in my faith to God, thanks to a lot of guidance, and I'm grateful.
Which leads me into my next train of thought. As harsh as God seems about idols, I see love in it, not admonishment. God isn't telling us to turn away from idols because they make us happy. Do we get joy out of material things and people? Yes. Is that ok? Yes.
What's not ok?
Putting them before God, or even if you don't believe in God or don't consider yourself a religious person,
making your happiness dependent on things and people is bad.
Why? Not even because it is sinful (which it is) but rather I believe God knew the kind of great misery and unhappiness those things have the potential to cause us. People and things will let you down. Your faith and trust in them will be broken. It's why people are constantly feeling voids or spending their days looking for that thing to make us happy. It's why we cling to our relationships with people, hoping they'll make us feel happy and whole, not alone, despite us putting our hearts on the line over and over again.
As a kid, they always used to compare God to a parent who wanted the best for us. Now I think that's oversimplifying who God is to us, but the fact of unconditional love still remains true, and I think parenting is one of the closest examples of unconditional love you'll ever find in human beings. The crux is, God loves us despite our sins, despite our tendencies to push him away or put other things before him. God knows we'll disobey us and sin against him. He warns us not to, like a parent would.
And still we do - all the while he knows how much sin will hurt us, will hurt our hearts and break them into pieces. Will make us feel broken down.
I caught myself doing this again this week, anyways, and this post is a reminder to myself to catch myself and put my worries back into God's hands. To say a prayer, morning and night and throughout the day to not be anxious about anything, because it doesn't change the fact of it or help anything, and simply pray and live life with strength and try to push for better and work harder.
Focus on the things you can change.
I hope I'll remember to do this more, whether it's worrying about my relationships with people, my troubles with Diabetes treatment, my worries about anything. I need to work hard and push hard, but I need to worry less about it and let God take the lead.
Here's me, accepting my flaws, knowing I'll fail over and over again but continuously trying to do just that. I'm a work in progress, and that's ok.
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