"Keep moving, so long as you remember all the people that you used to be."

As human beings, I feel we often have the tendency to segment our lives into different pieces. Different pieces at the same time, different people through our whole lives. As Dr. Who (love you Matt Smith!) says,

"We all change. When you think about it, we're all different people all through our lives," he said.

"And that's OK, that's good, as long as you keep moving, as long as you remember all the people that you used to be."

When I was a kid, I used to keep a lot of journals. I still do keep one, though I do a lot more blogging these days (I find it healthy to get all of my thoughts out there, cathartic when needed). Over my life, I have kept every single one, and the result has been a rather haphazard, amusing, poignant and semi-complete collection of at least 4 or 5 journals. I always used to go back and read past entries, and I would marvel at the pages, how it seemed like the person who wrote those things was someone entirely different from who I seemed to be at the moment of reading.

As a kid it shocked me a lot more, but now I suppose I am somewhat more used to it, having become accustomed to the constant guarantee that we live, we grow, we change, we change again. We learn lessons the hard way more often then not, and we (hopefully) continuously better ourselves as time goes on.

If you think about it, this is the best thing possible for us. Change is a constant in our lives, no matter how unconstant the world around us may be.

Dr. Who... right, how does this play in. Being the Dr. Who fan I am, I always harp on the fact that the makers of Dr. Who were geniuses. Think about it: TV shows over time often get old. What makes Dr. Who different? The main character changes all the time. You get attached, Dr.'s leave the show, new ones come. And hence, Dr. Who has been the longest running TV show thus far, extending back decades. (Aside from the constant character changes, it's just plain awesome).

And really, Dr. Who is a fine example. We change into all different version of ourselves throughout our lives. We may still be the same person, but we change. And as he says,

Think about you. About us. Change is hard, but what if we stayed the same? Would we become stagnant? What would we strive for?

Thinking on these things, I am grateful for the opportunity to change.

4 years ago, my life experienced the biggest change of all. I always get a little more sentimental this time of year, as it nears April (my Dia-versary) and I start trying to remember what life was like before this disease so drastically changed it. My outlook has changed more over the years, likely in a more healthy direction but I'm still working on it. The stage of self-pity I did not allow myself to dwell on for too long. I think the biggest thing I struggle with now is guilt, and the worry of not actually having insurance is something I try to not think about too much, though I have a good amount of insulin and test strips saved up thanks to great endocrinologists and friends throughout the years.




My A1C is acceptable, but it could use room for improvement. I get paranoid about the tingling in my hands and feet, I desperately hope I'll be able to take care of myself well enough so that I won't have complications. I feel like a ticking time bomb for complications sometimes, and though I try and logic out of that mindset it IS hard. Some days, most days, it's just plain hard.

But I think about my life, and who I am, and who I've come for. I've changed. I've changed throughout my life, and I changed when I was diagnosed with Diabetes and I've changed even more since then. Grad school has changed me, this past year has changed me. Sometimes I feel like I don't know where I'm going, I just know I have one solid anchor to hold onto and that's graduating from PT school. Do that - and I'm green light for anything else I want to do. That's how I see it, anyways.

And I look at myself, and I'm so flawed despite my changes. I'm so imperfect. Sometimes I think about my life and I think back and all I can think about is... sadness. I'm sad. My heart aches for those lost moments, those mistakes I made, the hurt I've felt and the hurt I caused and the kind of life I used to live and imagine for myself. And it burdens me. But what can I do? What can I do, but close my eyes, take it in and keep on pushing forward? It's what I have to do. I have to keep moving, even if I remember, because those memories are there and I both choose and have them and remember they are there.

I wished that my change could make me into a better person, but mere change won't do that. Mere passing time won't do that. And no matter what, I'm not sure I'll ever be a truly good person. I'm just... me. Trying and pushing onwards, no matter how hard the struggle. I am me. Doer of kind deeds to people on occasion, lover of writing and optimist more often than not.

I am not the same girl I used to be. And that's ok.

In my readings this past week, I came across Ephesians and a couple of verses from Ch. 5 stuck out to me.

1 Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children 2 and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

8 For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light 9 (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness,righteousness and truth) 10 and find out what pleases the Lord. 

17 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.

26 She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

27 but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

31 Honor her for all that her hands have done,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Industry, compassion, and loving God. All of these are qualities I value for myself and strive to better.

I feel as though I know who I am, but still I am changing and I see that. Not all at once, and only very slowly, but each day is an opportunity to work harder and shape myself and better myself into an image that glorifies God. I hope that God is changing me for good. I strive to live my life showing love for others; for living in the light, for trying to fill my life with goodness. To better my walk with Christ. No matter how much I change, I hope that that is one thing that will be continuous.

I think of God and I think of the Proverbs 31 woman and sometimes I feel so far away from that.


"She considers a field and buys it;

out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.

She sets about her work vigorously;

her arms are strong for her tasks.

She sees that her trading is profitable,

and her lamp does not go out at night.

In her hand she holds the distaff

and grasps the spindle with her fingers.

She opens her arms to the poor

and extends her hands to the needy.

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; But a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

I look back on myself and look at who I used to be. I am sad, I am burdened, I am joyful, and my heard is glad. Despite the hurt, despite the occasional loneliness or hurt. I have no other option but to be.

This is my life pressing onward, right here, right now. God lays the foundations every day for me to step towards and grow in to, and I trust him in that I will learn the right path down which to change. I have changed over the years: gymnast, student, Diabetic, PT student, (reader, writer, always)

I remember all of the people I used to be. I remember every day, who I was and who I hope to be.

I'll keep pressing onward, trusting God throughout it all, because it's the push forward that drives me, day by day.