We as humans in general spend a lot of time trying to fight and lessen these flaws, I think. But sitting down to think on it, I know that, try as I might, there will always be these underlying downsides to who I am that I will fall back on, despite my best efforts. They are like habits, and they're hard to break. As sinners, perhaps I should simply think that there are some aspects of us that can't necessarily be fixed.
This doesn't mean we shouldn't try. In fact, we should strive every day for better, and to reflect to others and ourselves the best version of ourselves that we can be.
It is in this way that I feel we work towards glorifying God - we strive to be better, to live our lives letting our love of God inside of us to shine to the external world and to our external selves. And the result is a raw, beautiful combination of flaws, perfection and a lot of in between.
And behold, it's because we are this beautiful combination of things that makes me believe that it's worth asking yourself the question of what your unique calling is. Do you know it? Do you have an idea? Is there something you feel you are good at? For I believe that for all our flaws, we all have our gifts, too, things we are especially equipped to do or to be.
Time after time I try and reflect on these things, and time after time it leads me to always answer this question this way:
I feel that my "gift" is the gift of drive and passion.
Regardless of whether this is true, I can attest to the fact that these two qualities have gotten me through more good and bad times than any other qualities alone. My life is not the hardest or the saddest, and my problems are not the biggest. I will never act like they are, although I do have my moments of defeat, of temper tantrums, of feeling as though life is unjust, of feeling sad. I'm human and I'm bound to have a lot of those. I also try to be a person that listens to others. I have never been the best at offering up advice, but if you are looking for a listening ear to trust, I am that person. If you are looking for someone who will try and take your mind off the sad things and show you the silver linings and bright, beautiful sides of life - that's me. That's simply the kind of comfort I am good at giving.
And this is all because of the fact that my promise to myself, and others, is this: I will always push forward and see the brighter side of things. No matter how long the journey, how hard the struggle, what the obstacles are or how bad I feel:
I will be that person that always keeps on fighting.
And when others need that strength, I will try and lend it to them, too.
Looking back on life, I guess it wouldn't have ever turned out any way. As a kid, my mom was always that person that made things happen. It didn't matter how, they happened. My mom doesn't take no for an answer, and despite the world crashing down around her, she is incredible in that same aspect: she is driven beyond compare, and holds firm to her ground.
My mother always pushed me to strive for better. I think a lot of people might take it as her being a hard-ass, and that's true, too. There was rarely a thing I did that mom pointed out I couldn't do better, couldn't try harder. Work harder, she always told me. Play the game of life, and make the right moves.
But life is more than just a series of moves, and she knew that, too. Mom encouraged me to express myself, to do gymnastics, or read books, or do art - the only thing my mom didn't really let me do was 1. Wear short shorts out on dates (although that came later) and 2. Let me do nothing.
There's no such thing as bored, my mother always said. And to this day, I can attest to that. I don't think I have truly known what it is to be bored in years, and years. Certainly not since college. I am always doing something, trying to be as constructive with my time as I can be.
Purposeful, motivated, driven. These qualities were instilled on me in this way, and when I got older and things got harder, I realized that these weren't just ways to live, they were things to fall back on. When I was crying and upset because bad things were happening at home around me? I took a walk, for ages. I discovered in this way my quiet places... my love for writing poetry, and simply writing in general. I would walk or bike each day until I got lost in the orange groves that surrounded my Florida home. Laying among the trees, I would breathe in the heady scent of orange blossoms, sickly but soothing sweet, and let my introverted mind handle the world as it saw fit.
Strength came from within, and happiness is a choice we all have to make, I learned.
As I continued to get older, mom pushed me harder. In school, in life, in everything. My mother taught me what it was to work hard, so that I valued the things that I had. She didn't hand me everything. From homeschooling, I learned that boundaries don't have to be imposed on you. Sometimes, all you have to do is surpass them, and I tried, going as far with my college courses during the remainder of highschool that I could. And when I left for college and started my business. I learned that this same hard work and dedication could be the key to taking life by the reigns and into my own hands. I was diagnosed with Diabetes before I left for college, and this was one of the hardest things I ever had to endure. Night after night... I'd cry and cry, pitying myself, pitying this world that had closed in itself around me. I felt broken, like a bird with wings now clipped.
What was being an individual worth if I was dependent on a medication to keep me alive for the rest of my life, tethering me to a disease I never wanted nor asked for?
That question was answered for me the first night out of the hospital, when my mom and dad, during a rare get together with all of us, took me to my favourite sushi place. Depressed and defeated, I started bawling midway through dinner, and again when I had to take out my insulin shot. Make no lie about it: mom had literally been the rock that entire week. When I was stuck in the hospital and slapped with a $22000 hospital bill, my mother took care of all the paperwork to get me enrolled in medicaid and get me my insulin. Mom made sure I always ate on time, asked me what my blood sugar was in the place of "how are you". She cared. And in this same way she cared when she looked at me and said,
"Lacy, if it was me, I'd just do it. I'd give myself that shot. Why? Because I'd die otherwise. So I'd just do it."
And despite my fear of needles, I did it.
Looking back now, I can't imagine being any different than the way I've turned out to be. Through thick and thin, I've learned that one of the most important things you can do is put your best foot forward, eyes up, and push on, because you are capable of more than you can ever imagine. And sometimes, it's those times when we are most tested that we realize things we would have never thought we could do, we can.
People tell me all the time, "I could never have Diabetes. I hate needles too much!"
Besides this being a minor annoyance (a forgiveable one, no less, but a misunderstood statement), I always reply, "You'd be amazing at what you can do when you're put into the situation where you have no other choice but to do." And truth is, I do have a choice. The alternative isn't a great one - it's death - but that is, ultimately, my choice. At the end of the day, there is no one standing over me forcing me to check my blood glucose, to give insulin, to take care of myself. In this same way, no one is forcing you to go on and live your life, or to put up with all the annoyances, the pain, the hurt.
But still, we do. And why do we? Because. It's worth it. You and I, we see that living is SO worth it, despite all the hard times and the bad things. Because those bad things teach us that greater beauty exists to those that look a little harder. To the people that have learned to value it that much more.
And importantly, to those that also remember, as the Bible puts it in one of my favourite verses and quite possibly my favourite book of the bible, Philippians 4:6:
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
My mother always pushed me to strive for better. I think a lot of people might take it as her being a hard-ass, and that's true, too. There was rarely a thing I did that mom pointed out I couldn't do better, couldn't try harder. Work harder, she always told me. Play the game of life, and make the right moves.
But life is more than just a series of moves, and she knew that, too. Mom encouraged me to express myself, to do gymnastics, or read books, or do art - the only thing my mom didn't really let me do was 1. Wear short shorts out on dates (although that came later) and 2. Let me do nothing.
There's no such thing as bored, my mother always said. And to this day, I can attest to that. I don't think I have truly known what it is to be bored in years, and years. Certainly not since college. I am always doing something, trying to be as constructive with my time as I can be.
Purposeful, motivated, driven. These qualities were instilled on me in this way, and when I got older and things got harder, I realized that these weren't just ways to live, they were things to fall back on. When I was crying and upset because bad things were happening at home around me? I took a walk, for ages. I discovered in this way my quiet places... my love for writing poetry, and simply writing in general. I would walk or bike each day until I got lost in the orange groves that surrounded my Florida home. Laying among the trees, I would breathe in the heady scent of orange blossoms, sickly but soothing sweet, and let my introverted mind handle the world as it saw fit.
Strength came from within, and happiness is a choice we all have to make, I learned.
As I continued to get older, mom pushed me harder. In school, in life, in everything. My mother taught me what it was to work hard, so that I valued the things that I had. She didn't hand me everything. From homeschooling, I learned that boundaries don't have to be imposed on you. Sometimes, all you have to do is surpass them, and I tried, going as far with my college courses during the remainder of highschool that I could. And when I left for college and started my business. I learned that this same hard work and dedication could be the key to taking life by the reigns and into my own hands. I was diagnosed with Diabetes before I left for college, and this was one of the hardest things I ever had to endure. Night after night... I'd cry and cry, pitying myself, pitying this world that had closed in itself around me. I felt broken, like a bird with wings now clipped.
What was being an individual worth if I was dependent on a medication to keep me alive for the rest of my life, tethering me to a disease I never wanted nor asked for?
That question was answered for me the first night out of the hospital, when my mom and dad, during a rare get together with all of us, took me to my favourite sushi place. Depressed and defeated, I started bawling midway through dinner, and again when I had to take out my insulin shot. Make no lie about it: mom had literally been the rock that entire week. When I was stuck in the hospital and slapped with a $22000 hospital bill, my mother took care of all the paperwork to get me enrolled in medicaid and get me my insulin. Mom made sure I always ate on time, asked me what my blood sugar was in the place of "how are you". She cared. And in this same way she cared when she looked at me and said,
"Lacy, if it was me, I'd just do it. I'd give myself that shot. Why? Because I'd die otherwise. So I'd just do it."
And despite my fear of needles, I did it.
Looking back now, I can't imagine being any different than the way I've turned out to be. Through thick and thin, I've learned that one of the most important things you can do is put your best foot forward, eyes up, and push on, because you are capable of more than you can ever imagine. And sometimes, it's those times when we are most tested that we realize things we would have never thought we could do, we can.
People tell me all the time, "I could never have Diabetes. I hate needles too much!"
Besides this being a minor annoyance (a forgiveable one, no less, but a misunderstood statement), I always reply, "You'd be amazing at what you can do when you're put into the situation where you have no other choice but to do." And truth is, I do have a choice. The alternative isn't a great one - it's death - but that is, ultimately, my choice. At the end of the day, there is no one standing over me forcing me to check my blood glucose, to give insulin, to take care of myself. In this same way, no one is forcing you to go on and live your life, or to put up with all the annoyances, the pain, the hurt.
But still, we do. And why do we? Because. It's worth it. You and I, we see that living is SO worth it, despite all the hard times and the bad things. Because those bad things teach us that greater beauty exists to those that look a little harder. To the people that have learned to value it that much more.
And importantly, to those that also remember, as the Bible puts it in one of my favourite verses and quite possibly my favourite book of the bible, Philippians 4:6:
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
God tells us right here not to be anxious! And true, there's still going to be a LOT of times when we are. Those times when we think we have too much to handle and want to throw a fit and throw in the towel and cry and be held by someone all at once. It sucks. Those moments suck. They break us down, they make us feel small and hurt and broken.
But when we overcome them, realize how strong they make you feel, how much MORE of a person you have grown to be through overcoming that which you thought couldn't be done.
Last year, I sat in a kitchen alone doing dishes and I cried. My Truck had been totalled. My new jeep had broken down and needed a new engine, I was bleeding through savings and stuck with multiple hospital bills. Both of the PT programs I applied to had waitlisted me and it was unlikely I would get in. I was graduating in just a few months, but what would I do? My heart was hurting, my life had fallen apart, and I was alone in a city I had tried for so long to make my home. And I stumbled across that verse again on my Facebook - someone had posted it - and I repeated it to myself,
I remembered that God has called me to do great things, and he has called me to have courage and yes, you know it, to live with that passion and drive I have promised myself to live with. And I was back again in that moment, ready to take on the world. I was a Senior, I was struggling to stay afloat in college courses while working 4 jobs and juggling new bills and fighting paperwork and living in a giant mess.
But I didn't think for a second that I couldn't do it (though I apologize to everyone that had to put up with me during that time, I didn't get a lot of sleep and wasn't in a very good mood).
And you know what? I'm thankful. I am legitimately thankful for all of the shitty, difficult, sad, upsetting and hard things God has throw my way. I'm thankful for it all, because of everything it has shown me I am capable of. Because it has shown me how good God is and how well he mends things together despite how they fall apart. It was shown me strength, and a greater love and appreciation for life than I could have ever imagined.
And I see it this way all because I choose to live with passion for the things I do and believe in, and drive to keep on pushing forward. I always believe, and thus I know, that I will make it through. This, as indirect as it may seem, is my calling. It is my testimony, and it is my light to others. And no matter what I actually do in life, it is a guarantee that I will always have these two things to fall back on, and these two things to be, At the end of the day, they are who I am down to the very core of my being. They are what I am called to be, who I am called to be. I am as sure of it as I have ever been sure of anything else. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
But when we overcome them, realize how strong they make you feel, how much MORE of a person you have grown to be through overcoming that which you thought couldn't be done.
Last year, I sat in a kitchen alone doing dishes and I cried. My Truck had been totalled. My new jeep had broken down and needed a new engine, I was bleeding through savings and stuck with multiple hospital bills. Both of the PT programs I applied to had waitlisted me and it was unlikely I would get in. I was graduating in just a few months, but what would I do? My heart was hurting, my life had fallen apart, and I was alone in a city I had tried for so long to make my home. And I stumbled across that verse again on my Facebook - someone had posted it - and I repeated it to myself,
I remembered that God has called me to do great things, and he has called me to have courage and yes, you know it, to live with that passion and drive I have promised myself to live with. And I was back again in that moment, ready to take on the world. I was a Senior, I was struggling to stay afloat in college courses while working 4 jobs and juggling new bills and fighting paperwork and living in a giant mess.
But I didn't think for a second that I couldn't do it (though I apologize to everyone that had to put up with me during that time, I didn't get a lot of sleep and wasn't in a very good mood).
And you know what? I'm thankful. I am legitimately thankful for all of the shitty, difficult, sad, upsetting and hard things God has throw my way. I'm thankful for it all, because of everything it has shown me I am capable of. Because it has shown me how good God is and how well he mends things together despite how they fall apart. It was shown me strength, and a greater love and appreciation for life than I could have ever imagined.
And I see it this way all because I choose to live with passion for the things I do and believe in, and drive to keep on pushing forward. I always believe, and thus I know, that I will make it through. This, as indirect as it may seem, is my calling. It is my testimony, and it is my light to others. And no matter what I actually do in life, it is a guarantee that I will always have these two things to fall back on, and these two things to be, At the end of the day, they are who I am down to the very core of my being. They are what I am called to be, who I am called to be. I am as sure of it as I have ever been sure of anything else. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
If you are reading this post, I implore you to comment and tell me what you think your gift or calling is, too!
(from Jennifer) I like your perspective on this. I believe our calling changes through the seasons in our life. Right now my calling is to be a mom. I think we know we've found our calling when we have total peace about it. I'm not sure what my calling will be once I'm done raising my kids, but I'm sure God will direct my path as long as I continue to seek his will. Like He says, "be anxious for nothing". So I won't worry about it. Love you sis! You are a beautiful person. I love getting to know you more through your writings. What a gift you have which is in turn a gift to others! :)
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