My dance partner said last night as the live Jazz Band played, and we began to dance, keeping our steps in time to the beat, hands lightly on each other, my left hand on his arm, We swung back and forth, and I twirled until I was almost dizzy - dipped until I nearly touched the floor - swung back up, spun again, and didn't miss a beat.
I smiled. I had no doubt about it, honestly. The truth is - introverted as I am, quiet as I am (used to?) be, I never considered myself that happy, nor did I try to be. But happy has kind of become my thing over the years. I don't know if it's a side effect of 8 years of princess parties, or if it's simply the way I've learned to cope with all the shit life has thrown at me through the years. I don't pity myself or think I've had it harder than anyone else - but I've certainly not been immune to the tough, bad things of life. I don't mind so much anymore. I had my angsty teen years, and they are more a thing of the past now that I view as something that made me who I am today. I took from those experiences powerful lessons and through them, learned how to overcome hardships and how to confront hardships that I would face in the future. It's all worked out ok.
But try as I didn't, again, happy has become me. People will often make that remark - "Lacy, you always seem so happy," "It's like you don't have a trouble in the world," "How did anything bad ever happen to you? You're so happy..."
I think that's the fine distinction I want to make, so I'll intercept the string of past remarks I've gotten. People think because I'm happy that I've never had anything to burden my mind, my heart, my soul. That I haven't had bad things weigh me down or tear me to emotional pieces. Well, that's of course a lie. I often say:
"Look around you. Everyone you see is going through something currently that's just as hard to them as your hardships are to you."
I stole that from somewhere, someone - I don't remember where, but it's my mantra now and I've adopted it.
And it's so true.
My life hasn't been any harder than anyone's else no matter what I face or what's happened to me. The important thing is, it isn't a contest either way. What matters is how you face it. I made the decision a long time ago that happiness is, in fact a choice. Now princess parties and the endless smile and high-pitched disney voice I have to tack on for the kids every weekend may have helped the whole exterior of happiness along... but the choice, and the underlying, burning fact as to why I possess so much seemingly contagious happiness in reserve is because every day I wake up and remember to choose it. To take the bad things in my life, let myself hurt and mourn, have my temper tantrums and then pick up the pieces, be strong as I can be and push forward.
It's why this girl, who has been broken and beaten down by life so many times, whose heart has felt like it's been torn into a million pieces out of her chest, who has felt lower than she could possibly go, seen her dreams all threatened and taken away in moments of despair... who has cried to God in anger asking why he was done what he has done to her life, why he let her bear those burdens - can take those things, can take the hurt and the pain that could come in endless reservoirs, the despair and the melancholy - take it and turn it into a smile, a brave face and true happiness, that comes from inside, not without.
Because let's face it: if happiness can from outside, we wouldn't be happy very much.
And that, my friends, is why I have people come up to me like they did last night and say,
"You know, you're such a joy to dance with. You're so happy and joyful that I can literally feel your energy, and it's contagious! It makes me so happy in turn, and fills me with joy and energy, too. It's such a pleasure. Thank you. I hope I get to dance with you again next time."
I'm not the best dancer in the world, but let me tell you, I've been practicing and attending every single swing dance event I can get my feet to. Religiously. And the remarks about my energy and my joy while dancing make me happy, because I truly put my all into dancing, no matter how good or bad I may be. Dancing always makes me want to shout, "Can you see it, do you see me? For who I really am here, can you see my joy? How pure of a person I feel here? How happy this makes me? How pure my happiness is - no masks, no exteriors. Just pure, true happiness. Can you see it?"
I haven't been so thrilled and excited about something in a long time, and as long as I'm dancing, I can't NOT be happy. I feel so much intoxicating joy on the dance floor that I can't help but leave on cloud 9. I don't think my smile leaves my face the entire time I go dancing, as I get to spin around the floor and play off of my dance partner and feel like I am the closest thing to flying that any human could ever be. I feel free, and my burdens exist but they don't matter because I'm there, and I'm happy, and it's all that matters. It feeds into my happiness even more and I'm sure it shines across my face.
And I hope it does - I hope it does, because one of my callings has always been (in hope) to spread little joys and feelings of happiness to others. To be an outlet through which good things can flow.
It is, as Emily Dickinson writes in one of my favourite short poems:
| IF I can stop one heart from breaking, | |
| I shall not live in vain; | |
| If I can ease one life the aching, | |
| Or cool one pain, | |
| Or help one fainting robin | 5 |
| Unto his nest again, | |
| I shall not live in vain. |
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